Help! Romantically involved with a woman but sexually attracted to men

[bob182]

I am currently in a relationship with a woman and still love her romantically but sexually things have been going down hill and feel to be a chore to me. I have had fleeting gay thoughts before and rarely acted on them but now they are coming on stronger than ever.

Part of me wants to leave this relationship and start again with a clean slate and try a gay relationship but realistically it causes more issues than not

I am very much in the closest and have only briefly mentioned my (at the time) bi-curiousness with friends that I already know were bi or lesbian.

I feel like no matter what i do i'm letting someone down. We're both unhappy in the bedroom but were also very co-dependant on each other and have a great friendship.

I feel even discussing this issue with her regardless of if its acted upon will drive a permanent wedge between us.

Any help?

[Lexington]

Welcome to the site!

I feel even discussing this issue with her regardless of if its acted upon will drive a permanent wedge between us.

This is probably true. Or, more accurately, it will bring the actual problem to the surface. To wit, you are not attracted to her. Or even anyone of her gender. The permanent wedge is technically already there. You'll simply be explaining the cause of it all.

Chances are hugely against you suddenly "developing attraction to women" ,so this problem isn't going to go away. Given that, the smart move is to end it. Let her know how much you love her (platonically) but you can't be in a sexual relationship with her.

Lex

[meridannight]

Part of me wants to leave this relationship and start again with a clean slate and try a gay relationship but realistically it causes more issues than not

what issues is it gonna cause specifically?

I am very much in the closest and have only briefly mentioned my (at the time) bi-curiousness with friends that I already know were bi or lesbian.

if this is one of the issues --

a. you do not need to be out in order to have sex/be with men. you can even be in a gay relationship and not be out to anybody, although that is not very healthy. would work on a temporary basis though.

b. would you really rather live fake in order not to upset (?) some other people, rather than live your life authentically?

I feel like no matter what i do i'm letting someone down. We're both unhappy in the bedroom but were also very co-dependant on each other and have a great friendship.

I feel even discussing this issue with her regardless of if its acted upon will drive a permanent wedge between us.

the only person you're letting down here is yourself. the longer you go on like this, the worse it'll eventually be to one day discover that you could have been living your life long time ago, that you could have loved and been happy long ago, and that other people's reactions are really not worth it to compromise your life in the essential aspects. time gone by not having lived your life can never be reclaimed.

i don't know what other advice you were expecting. ??

[bob182]

what issues is it gonna cause specifically?

i don't know what other advice you were expecting. ??

Pretty much what you just said, confirmation of what i believe and a push to go forward.

I was sexually attracted to her in the past but as times gone on and on I've become less bisexual and more outright gay. Im just hiding in a dysfunctional but outwardly "normal" relationship. because it seems easy and is the "right" thing to do.

I cant say when I'm going to act on this but i know it needs to be soon before things get even more involved. I just need to get a few ducks in a row i guess.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Try a gay relationship - is this like trying on new clothing before your purchase?

What if you go steady with a man and start dating him and then suddenly decide the whole gay thing ain't what you thought it would be (which I assure you this happens a lot of 'bi-curious' fellows who think gay is magically different than straight)?

Then what - you are out this nice if not wonderful companion, and......???

Sex and love/relationships are not the same thing. Clearly you find something about this particular woman that makes a relationship possible, perhaps not the sex, but you enjoy her companion ship, clearly felt something for her. Do you honestly want to throw that away to explore the sex with men thing?

honesty is crutial to any relationship and lets face it, if you are bi or gay and wanting to be with a guy, its high time you tell your lover (this woman) who believes that you are happily with her and won't magically guess that you are discomforted by whatever.

She has a right to choose if she wants to be part of a relationship with a man who can't make up his mind what he wants. Perhaps she will be open to you having sex with another man to see what its like - maybe she is one of those girls who wants to watch, or better yet have a three way with two guys.... IDK, you most likely don't know since clearly talking about sex and fantasies appears to be low on your agenda here.

Lets say you are 100% dye in the wool gay (not just bisexual). I assure you, denying it and hiding from it and playing at being a straight dude will not get easier with time, it gets harder and harder, all of those lies, all of that denial, and eventually the risk is high that around 40-something you will come exploding out of your closet and wanting to go back in time and try to live the gay life - meaning you will have regrets, most likley will make hella mistakes.


Now lets assume you are just bi - now the problem is not so much that you are with the wrong gender, but that perhaps you are just with the wrong person. being bi and being monogamous is not impossible, well no less impossible than being straight in a monogamous relationship. Sure you may be tempted by both sexes to explore and have unfaithfulness - but its no harder than a totally straight dude who feels he is missing out because he ain't banging Miss Big Hooters or whatever it is straight guys get into.

Here is the deal, you said bi-curious now you are saying your gay. you want to try a gay relationship - is that wholly honest? Or is it simply you want to try gay sex?

Questions upon questions that you need to ask yourself. I think you have no idea what your real 'sexual identity' is and you may be suffering from too much fantasy and myth about what a gay relationship is about.

So instead of running off to try a gay relationship, perhaps your best bet is to explore and figure out what gay relationships really are about. Then decide if the minor chance that you might find a decent guy to have a relationship with is worth giving up this wonderful relationship you currently have with an individual you care about.

Protip - Go through the member list here and see how many of us are single compared to how many are in a relationship. I think you will find that singlehood far, far outweighs the ones that are in relationships.

Ultimately this choice is yours. There is a right way and and wrong way to pursue it. The right way is to get un-involved with your current lover before you go seeking a new one. I suggest honesty with her in order to keep the friendship.