chicken out every time we want to take the next step

[TheNewsie]

Hey y'all,

I need your advice on a topic that really scares me but I can't figure out the reason.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while now and everything is perfect. Absolutely perfect. Things couldn't be better. Except for one topic, yes THE topic: sex.


So, we're both virgins and we agreed to wait with getting sexually active until we are both comfortable as we were both "nervous" and didn't really know where to start.

Since then, it has become clear that I will probably take longer to "feel ready" than he will. He has hinted at taking the next step a few times and I never really knew how to feel about it, so it never happened.

I love him very much and he says he does love me too. I hope we can spend out lives together. Nevertheless, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between best buddies and boyfriends. Therefore, I'd somehow like a sexual component in our relationship.


We do kiss and cuddle a lot, and it's obvious we are both getting very excited over the other but we never act on it. Deep down, I really want him but I panic every time and kind of stop.
Last time I tried to take the next step and while making out I unbuttoned his shirt but I stopped before the last button. He could tell I was chickening out and we got back to watching a movie and casually holding hands.
He is really sweet and respectful and he would never push it so he doesn't urge me to go on after I stop. I can tell he is sexually frustrated as the last few times after our failed attempts to go fruther he left the room to jerk off in the bathroom.
We kind of talked about it and he said it's fine and he says he doesn't want to push it and he'll wait till I am ready, forever if he has to.


I don't really know what's the problem. I really want him but every time it's about to happen, even if I try to initiate it, I feel I'm not ready and I stop. After we stop, and go back to cuddling, I'm absolutely content with that and I feel like even if we never make it past cuddling, I'm fine with it. It's so frustrating, though, becasue usually he is really uncomfortable and horny and he eventually leaves to jack off in order to calm down to get into "cuddle mode" again.

We talk about it often and we keep agreeing that the time will come. I can clearly see I'm the problem and I'm scared he might be disappointed soon.
For one, I'm really scared, and despite we're both virgins, I have the feeling he has a better idea of how things work. I mean, I know how it works, but I'm scared I might do something wrong and he'll be disappointed.
Also, it's become sort of clear in the way we interact or sleep next to each other, that he will play the more dominant role. He's taller and his character is more bold and I think he complements my rather thoughtful attitude. As a result, I'm really scared it might hurt really bad and sometimes, I even think about that when we make out and he is like testing the waters and I push him away immediately becasue I get so scared.

It's stupid because I know he would never take advantage of me and I trust him like no one else. I wouldn't even want to trade places, I think him playing a more active or dominant role feels right but something really spooks me.

His Birthday is coming up and I was thinking I owe him. I want to make him a special gift by giving him a handjob or something to break the ice.
When I'm not with him, I have the desire to try giving him a blowjob but I would never dare to make the offer becasue I'm scared I won't do a good job as I have no experience and would probably choke.
Still, I think I will have to offer something sexual for his birthday, I think it's the least I can do after all the awkward situations and if I know I have to do it, I might not chicken out (although the fact of sitting in front of his dick having to take it scares me even more)

I tried to touch his croth during our most recent make out session. I panicked because it felt so big and powerful and I was really scared, for unknown reasons. He could tell I wasn't comfortable and stopped me before leaving the room. I almost bawled up after that and he said it's ok. I could still tell he was disappointed and offered he should urge me more but he wouldn't do that. He tried to get me hard but to no avail.


Sorry for the long post, I hope I could explain the situation sufficiently.
Basically, I am sure I want him but I can't figure out the reason why I am so freaked out about actually doing it. I love him, I trust him, but his dick somehow scares me.

Do you have any advice how I could overcome this situation?
Have you been in similar problems? I feel we're sorta stuck and I don't want to lose him.

[MikeW]

I haven't read it all. Sorry, in a bit of a hurry ATM.. My advice is to simply begin with a lot of kissing and cuddling and then begin taking one another's clothes off. You do NOT have to go all the way… What I'm saying is, just begin to move in that direction. Keep checking in w/ each other. Once shirts are off, is it ok to kiss and lick necks, ears and nipples? How about belly buttons?…

Just don't make SEX such a damn big deal. It really isn't, honest. It is just something people do -- not that different from getting and giving a massage -- only it has a "happy ending component". (I'm being overly simplistic here as I'm in a rush but this is basically it.)

Don't worry about doing it right. Just, you now, take it step by step. Maybe just get to shirts off. Maybe next time we get to pants off but underwear on. Maybe next time we get to full on nekid. Then maybe we get to jerking off with one another. Maybe then we get to jerking off the other… on and on. It does NOT have to be full-on sex the first time. It can just be making each other feel good. Nutn' wrong wit dat, iz der?

Or.. if I'm off the mark here, let me know.

[Lexington]

I don't really know what's the problem. I really want him but every time it's about to happen, even if I try to initiate it, I feel I'm not ready and I stop. After we stop, and go back to cuddling, I'm absolutely content with that and I feel like even if we never make it past cuddling, I'm fine with it.

This, I think, is the biggest indicator as to what's going on. Well, that, and what ISN'T in your post.

Read back over it real quick. Not once do you mention being horny. Not once do you mention being sexually excited. Your boyfriend leaves the room to jerk off after these sessions, but there's no indication that you're jerking off then. Hell, there's not much indication that you're jerking off at all.

So that's my main question. Are you getting sexually aroused at all by him? Do you want to have sex with him - not because "that would make us boyfriends", not because "he'd really like it", but because the thought makes you horny and you want to be sexual with him? Because if not, either you're actually asexual (and he probably should be made aware of this), or this guy just really isn't interesting you sexually.

Lex

[Bowyn Aerrow]

One of you need to take the lead. Seems to me that both of you are waiting for the other to 'break the ice' and start the session. But neither of you want to be the one to initiate.

May I suggest playing strip poker? Loser has to blow the other - this way its up to mostly chance and skill who breaks the sex barrier.

[TheNewsie]

This, I think, is the biggest indicator as to what's going on. Well, that, and what ISN'T in your post.

Read back over it real quick. Not once do you mention being horny. Not once do you mention being sexually excited. Your boyfriend leaves the room to jerk off after these sessions, but there's no indication that you're jerking off then. Hell, there's not much indication that you're jerking off at all.

So that's my main question. Are you getting sexually aroused at all by him? Do you want to have sex with him - not because "that would make us boyfriends", not because "he'd really like it", but because the thought makes you horny and you want to be sexual with him? Because if not, either you're actually asexual (and he probably should be made aware of this), or this guy just really isn't interesting you sexually.


Lex

thanks a lot for the quick replies.

Well, you certainly have a point here. I fear he might interpret the things like that as well.
Truth is, I do want him and to be honest he just needs to hug me to make me hard. The thought of having sex with him really excites me too. But I generally have a low sex drive. I jerk off like once every two or three weeks to avoid having a wet dream.
My family is really religious and I've always felt guilty when jerking off due to the way they put sexuality so I got used to repressing sexual urges.
I think about him exclusively when I can't stand it anymore and it still makes me feel a bit guilty. I know it's silly and I'm working on it.

Also, when cuddling or making out I feel like I'm full-on enjoying what's happening right now. I've never had someone touch me in any way before and I'm still positively overwhelmed by the sensations a mere hug or kiss can deliver.
Our relationship is really harmonious, I'd say and I can't see how it could get any better, and as I don't need to relive myself as much, I don't see the necessity to take the next step yet.
I know it sounds silly but I'm really confused because on the one hand I want him really bad but on the other hand I'm being a wuss and I always think we have our whole lives left to have sex, we don't need to rush it.

Sometimes I just feel like telling him he should just do with me
Whatever he wants and not give me the chance to change my mind. He would never do that, though because he is way too gentle and tender for that. (Which is why I love him so much).

Do you think I should practice somehow? Like trying to suck on a banana?

[Lexington]

Thoughts as I get them.

Truth is, I do want him and to be honest he just needs to hug me to make me hard. The thought of having sex with him really excites me too.

OK, make damn sure he knows this. Feel free to sort of grab your junk and point out that he's gotten you hard again. He needs to be aware that you ARE really responding to what he's doing.

But I generally have a low sex drive. I jerk off like once every two or three weeks to avoid having a wet dream.
My family is really religious and I've always felt guilty when jerking off due to the way they put sexuality so I got used to repressing sexual urges.
I think about him exclusively when I can't stand it anymore and it still makes me feel a bit guilty. I know it's silly and I'm working on it.

Then THIS is your problem. If he isn't aware of this, he most certainly needs to be. And if he is, I can understand him taking his time with you.

Also, when cuddling or making out I feel like I'm full-on enjoying what's happening right now. I've never had someone touch me in any way before and I'm still positively overwhelmed by the sensations a mere hug or kiss can deliver.

Oh, no doubt. Most of us have been there, too. But see, you're still right inside the entrance to Disneyland. As amazing as it is so far, I'd venture to say that you ain't seen nothing yet.

Our relationship is really harmonious, I'd say and I can't see how it could get any better, and as I don't need to relive myself as much, I don't see the necessity to take the next step yet.
I know it sounds silly but I'm really confused because on the one hand I want him really bad but on the other hand I'm being a wuss and I always think we have our whole lives left to have sex, we don't need to rush it.

Well, here's the thing about sex - you can have it more than once.

Your first sexual experience can be special, and looked-back-upon more than the others, but that doesn't mean it has to be perfect, or even great. I've posted these pictures before, but let me do them again for your benefit.

Most of us have this mindset that our first sexual experience will be like this:



...and for many folks, it ends up being more like this.



Why? Because you don't know what you're doing. Like riding a bike, sex is a skill. And as such, it often takes some practice to learn exactly what to do. And up until that point, well, it's like learning to ride a bike - you'll be going slower, you might end wobbling around, and you might even fall off.

The thing is - your boyfriend almost certainly knows this. He's not hanging around because he's assuming you're going to be stone-cold expert in bed. He's hanging around because he likes you. He wants to have sex with you. And that's true even when you're at square one and don't really know what you're doing.

So, why not try it? Have him lay back. Tell him you want to try some stuff out, and ask for feedback. If he wants to heavier or lighter, faster or slower, anything. Then, just start. Open his shirt again. Run your hand along what's inside. Stroke him wherever feels interesting to you. Go as fast or as slow as you want. Kiss him in there, with or without tongue. And if he gives you feedback, take it as such. He's not critiquing. He's not saying "you're doing it wrong". He's saying "I'd like it this way." The same way people order different things in restaurants, and order them cooked differently. He's just telling you what he'd like. So see if you can give him that.

And when you finish, like you honest and truly feel like you can't go on anymore, tell him you'd like him to finish by jerking himself off. But ask if he can do it right there, while you watch. Feel free to sit a bit of a distance away, but watch. See how he grasps it, and how fast he strokes it, and how "deep" his strokes are. Chances are, that's how he'd like you to do it to him when you work your way up to that, so may as well learn, right?

Then, keep it up. Next time, nudge yourself a bit further. Lick his nipples. Stroke him lightly through his pants. Sit closer when he finishes, or hug him from behind as he finishes. I'm guessing you'll be getting into it more and more as time goes on.

Lex

[LJay]

It is clear that you have been brought up with a lot of inhibitions. Try to remember that you are yourself and no one else's expectations. Try to talk with your boyfriend about what you would like together and how you can get there. You can not "do it wrong." You are simply learning and learning together is a wonderful thing. Relax, fantasize, experiment, communicate, breathe deeply and enjoy. These are all good things that lovers do.

You might even try turning out the lights, turning off the TV or whatever and simply talking quietly to each otehr about what you might do in the way of having sex. No actions. Just talk it through. Who knows where it may lead.

[SHOman93]

Well, you certainly have a point here. I fear he might interpret the things like that as well.
Truth is, I do want him and to be honest he just needs to hug me to make me hard. The thought of having sex with him really excites me too. But I generally have a low sex drive. I jerk off like once every two or three weeks to avoid having a wet dream.
My family is really religious and I've always felt guilty when jerking off due to the way they put sexuality so I got used to repressing sexual urges.
I think about him exclusively when I can't stand it anymore and it still makes me feel a bit guilty. I know it's silly and I'm working on it.

Ok, I'm just gonna start off by saying that I'm almost in the same boat as you. I've been dating this guy for about 2 months. We're not anything official, yet. But we do get asked a lot if we are a "thing" or if we are together. But, anyway....
I'm the same way. I just have to lean on my guy at the right angle, and I'm hard. AND he knows that. He kinda likes it. Commenting "Well, damn that was easy." I have the thoughts of just shoving him up against a wall, grabbing some hair, making out, and just completely going to town on his Mr. Johnson. BUT. Ever since I've been dating him, I almost rarely jerk off. I was honestly a once a day guy, before I started dating.
This is what I think the problem is. YOUR NERVOUS. You're letting big head control the little one. Well, that's at least what I do. I'm a thinker. My guy and me have tried it twice and I still haven't been able to cum. It all has to do with comfort level. Was I ashamed? Kinda. Did I feel like it didn't make it fun for him? Yes. Yet, ever since the last time we tried and I was a lot more aggressive on what I wanted, he hasn't left me alone. Does he REALLY understand you're nervous? Do you understand that YOU CAN be more aggressive? I mean, one of you has to be. And if he hasn't tried it, why don't you?

Also, when cuddling or making out I feel like I'm full-on enjoying what's happening right now. I've never had someone touch me in any way before and I'm still positively overwhelmed by the sensations a mere hug or kiss can deliver.
Our relationship is really harmonious, I'd say and I can't see how it could get any better, and as I don't need to relive myself as much, I don't see the necessity to take the next step yet.
I know it sounds silly but I'm really confused because on the one hand I want him really bad but on the other hand I'm being a wuss and I always think we have our whole lives left to have sex, we don't need to rush it.

Cuddling and Making Out are still my favorite things. I think I actually overwhelm my guy with my really large want to make out. We've made out and he stopped, saying his tongue hurt. LOL. I could have kept going.
So, you like where it is now and you don't really want it to go any further, yet? What's wrong with that? NOTHING. If you're both enjoying yourself and content, keep it where it is. If it ain't broke, DON'T FIX IT.
You do have your whole life to have sex. I recently just came out, last April, so I definitely rushed myself into trying sex. I thought I was ready. Hell, I felt MORE THAN READY. But, I wasn't. I wasn't really comfortable with it. Do what YOU want. You're not ready? Then don't try it. Easy enough.

Sometimes I just feel like telling him he should just do with me
Whatever he wants and not give me the chance to change my mind. He would never do that, though because he is way too gentle and tender for that. (Which is why I love him so much).


Well, you could always tell him to tie you up. Then you'd have no choice But really. Tell him. You're uncomfortable making the first move. Y'all just have to be comfortable going for what you want. I held back my aggressiveness up until about a week ago. My guy has been so clingy and bugging me to "hang out" since then. Really. Maybe he wants to be the submissive one. Why not try to be the dominant one? Unless you really know it's not in your nature. There's nothing wrong with that either. Either way. GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

Do you think I should practice somehow? Like trying to suck on a banana?

I really don't know. I didn't try to practice. Of course, I've only received. Man don't stress over being "amazing in the sheet." You're still new at this. Everyone started at the beginning.....and some of us are still there hahahahaha.

If you ever want someone to listen to your issues, or talk to, that is in the similar predicament, feel free to message me. I am more than happy to help ya. Haha

Good luck man with whatever you do <3

[Virge]

This must be virgin couples with sex issues week in GS.

[Cinestry]

I'd say keep on reading threads on here that are about this topic. I read a lot of the old threads too and for some reason I feel like it's not THAT scary anymore as I used to think. It's okay to be a bit nervous but I think it is true that a lot of people, including myself, are making it an issue way bigger than it actually is. Although I can't really judge about that as I am a virgin myself