Advice on timing..

[cali]

So I have been dating my bf for a few months now. We are sexually active. The issue is it seems to take me forever to cum with him. When I am alone and in my own thoughts I do it quickly. But when I am with him, it seems forever to take me to cum. He also comments on it, and wants me to cum while inside me etc. But I feel to distracted to even masturbate while he's inside me. I don't know how to cum quicker, I feel like now every time we do it, I am constantly thinking how long is it gonna take me this time.. I dunno if its because we don't do enough stimulating things. We kiss and stuff and just have regular sex but he kind of just lets me sit there and masturbate and he does as well. He usually holds it in until I go. But its just all kind of awkward. Is there a way to make me go faster? I don't want to sit there and think about things i've seen in porn or something. I feel like you're supposed to be in that moment and do it? I dunno. Advice please!

[MikeW]

So I have been dating my bf for a few months now. We are sexually active. The issue is it seems to take me forever to cum with him. When I am alone and in my own thoughts I do it quickly. But when I am with him, it seems forever to take me to cum. He also comments on it, and wants me to cum while inside me etc. But I feel to distracted to even masturbate while he's inside me. I don't know how to cum quicker, I feel like now every time we do it, I am constantly thinking how long is it gonna take me this time.. I dunno if its because we don't do enough stimulating things. We kiss and stuff and just have regular sex but he kind of just lets me sit there and masturbate and he does as well. He usually holds it in until I go. But its just all kind of awkward. Is there a way to make me go faster? I don't want to sit there and think about things i've seen in porn or something. I feel like you're supposed to be in that moment and do it? I dunno. Advice please!

It's been a week since you asked your question and no one has replied. I'm giving it a kick up to see if anyone has any advice.

From my POV, sex is a very personal thing and although on one level it is fairly obvious and straight forward, on other levels it isn't at all… so, the question isn't an easy one to even respond to let alone "answer." If you're still interested in pursuing this I have some questions/comments for you… at the very least they may be worth pondering (even if you don't feel like trying to answer them in the forum).

1: You said, "When I am alone and in my own thoughts I do it quickly." So when you're jerking off you can reach orgasm fairly quickly. Alright, so, what are you fantasizing about that gets you there? How are you touching yourself? Have you ever tried jerking off with a dildo up your ass? If so, how does that affect your orgasm (timing or otherwise)? Has your partner been able to bring you to climax through other means (jerking you off, oral, or other stimulation)? Is it that you've trained your body to only respond to *your* touch -- or that you don't feel relaxed enough to allow another person's touch to get you 'there'?

2: "He ... wants me to cum while inside me etc. But I feel to distracted to even masturbate while he's inside me." Ok, so what is "distracting" you exactly? Is it pain? Is it over stimulation? Is it a sensation you're not used to or that you do not associate with an erotic fantasy that will 'put you over the edge' into orgasm? Is it you want something else to be happening? Also, apparently this is a turn on for your BF… which is fine, I can understand that it would be… but do both of you understand that it doesn't always work like that? SOMETIMES one might have an orgasm while being penetrated, maybe, if it is something you are particularly turned on by -- but other times maybe that just isn't doing 'it' for you.

3: "I don't know how to cum quicker, I feel like now every time we do it, I am constantly thinking how long is it gonna take me this time…" Well, for sure, if you're having "performance anxiety" of any sort then chances are you're not going to reach orgasm… you ARE distracted, fearful, self-conscious in an uncomfortable way… hell, if that's what all is going on inside your head, it's a wonder you even have an erection, let alone not cumming. So… what is this all about? From reading that I'm thinking there needs to be more communication between you and your partner -- and I don't just only mean in words. I mean, on one level, sex is just sex -- but when you're in a relationship, sex is more than that… it is LOVE MAKING. And love making can take all kinds of forms -- from mad passionate ripping your clothes off to something far more gentle, relaxing, and sensitive. Reaching orgasm need not even be the POINT of it at all, let alone "quickly" or "on cue" or something. What does it matter whether you cum or not if you're both really enjoying being together and giving one another pleasure?

4: "We kiss and stuff and just have regular sex but he kind of just lets me sit there and masturbate and he does as well. He usually holds it in until I go. But its just all kind of awkward. Is there a way to make me go faster? I don't want to sit there and think about things i've seen in porn or something. I feel like you're supposed to be in that moment and do it?" Well yeah it's "all kind of awkward" … sounds like to me you guys have some idea that sex has to be "a certain way" --- uh, it doesn't. It can be anyway you want it to be, anyway you enjoy. I may be wrong but it sounds like you're putting yourself under WAY too much pressure to have it turn out a certain way … almost like "on time." FUCK… who would enjoy that? I sure as hell wouldn't. Sex should be fun! --- at least *some* of the time. It sure as hell shouldn't be scripted -- unless you're doing porn and getting paid for the "money shot". ETA: On this point, I meant to say but forgot …well, if thinking about porn -- or even watching porn for that matter -- helps you, then why NOT? What's the big deal with that?

Anyway… I duno. I suggest you and your BF try approaching this whole thing more from a love making POV rather than "we're having sex and so we have to do it a certain way" kind of thing. And, welcome to the forum, albeit a bit late!

[Lexington]

I'd say just relax. Have him get off however he wants, and then when he's done, have him make out with you (or even lick your balls) while you finish yourself off. Chances are, as you get more used to being sexual with him, you'll relax more and be able to finish in another way.

Oh, forgot the most important part. Sex with somebody else isn't about the orgasm. Don't get me wrong - orgasms are awesome. But if all that mattered was an orgasm, you could get that at home with your right hand. It's about getting physical with another person. It's about all the stuff that leads up to the orgasm, and even what happens afterwards. Sex is a journey, not a destination.

Lex

[meridannight]

how long is ''forever''?