Can someone give me advice

[random]

I don't know where to start but I just want someone to talk to. I think I'm either gay or bi, because while I've never actively pursued a girl, I wouldn't rule out dating or having sex with one. But for the most part, my crushes have always been on guys, and almost always ended with me miserable and asking myself what is wrong with me. I try to reason through them and tell myself its not the end of the world, but every time it always feels like it is because the guy that all i wanted was to feel close to and be loved by, leaves me by myself. He gets to go on and live his normal life, have a girlfriend and friends who care about him, while i'm left alone sulking and wishing he would change his mind. But they never do. And why would they?

The most recent crush I had was on this guy from my new job. I've gotten pretty good at hiding the fact that i'm gay so to everyone there i was just "some kid." When i started last September, I didn't really pay much attention to him because he was usually an asshole, but he caught my eye and i thought i caught his because literally every time I looked over at him, he was already looking at me. And he would hold eye contact a lot longer that most people. This went on for a few months but the only times we would talk would be in passing and never for long but he still kept watching me. One day he said something about his girlfriend so i figured that was the end of it but since nothing changed, i didn't lose hope. He started going out of his way to get my attention, but i was usually too shy to do anything back. Eventually we smoked a few times on break and i gave him rides home when id see him walking so we were able to have real conversations. He even gave me one of his bowls. I thought this meant he liked me because most of the time he went out of his way to approach me and he still kept looking at me all the time but a few days ago he told me he put his two weeks in and it just killed me. The same thing was happening again. He was moving on and i was being left behind.

I just want a way to move on with my life so i stop feeling this way. I want to be normal, but i know i never will be and it sucks. I think part of the reason its so hard for me is these guys represent the person i want to be and when they leave, it just makes me realize how pathetic i am. I just want to feel like a real man so i don't have to look to other guys as an example, and even if that's a possibility for me, i'm so lost and confused and alone. If anyone has gone through something like this it'd help me to know how your were able to overcome it.

[Lexington]

Welcome to GS!

One thing I've noticed with a lot of (especially younger) gay guys still in the closet is something I call "convenience crushing". It's developing sometimes fairly deep crushes on straight guys within their immediate circle. Because hey, Bob is kinda good-looking, and pretty nice, and wouldn't that be awesome if you could just, y'know, be in a relationship? Without all that "looking for someone" or "coming out" or all that? And then that look you got suddenly takes on a whole new meaning (he's interested), and friendly overtures mean he wants to date you or bed you...

...and then he gets a girlfriend, or moves away, or somehow makes it clear that he's not interested. And your house of cards falls to the table.

Is there a reason you're not out? Chicago certainly isn't a very oppressive place in that regard. And being out makes a lot of this stuff a lot easier. No, you won't suddenly have hot guys lining up or anything. But people will KNOW. You won't have to try to speak some sort of secret language to gauge possibilities or interest. You can just ask. And that means no time spent playing the high school "does he or doesn't he, tee hee, I don't know" game.

Lex

[Iceblink]

Going to be kind of frank and direct with you, your story is far from unique and I have seen it on gay forums literally, and don't mean that as an exaggeration to provide emphasis, but literally dozens and dozens of times, maybe hundreds, and almost every single one of them includes the "looking at me all the time" line. I once belonged to one forum site where it came up once or twice a week. I don't want to dash your hopes, but this is most likely wishful thinking and seeing things that are not there. This is the kind of thing people in the closet do. The guy at work thing is by far the most common theme in this scenario. People look at each other when talking and people look at people that in their environment and there is not much to it. People are friendly and kind to those in their lives and that is because we are human. People are kind to each other because friendship is a desire. We also desire being social, and since pot is often used as a social thing, it is very common to be shared. Believe me, if I invited to my house a coworker or neighbor or fellow member of an organization or team I belonged to, and I cracked open a beer, there is no way I am not going to offer one to that person. That's what we do as social creatures and to be polite. It does not mean I am in interested in something more than friendship. Not to sound like a downer, but realistically, most of the time people in your situation are reading more into the situation than what is there. You're doing it because you're lonely and you're doing it because you're shy and currently lack the courage to live openly and so you hope someone else will just figure it out on their own and make a move. I can almost assure you that anyone here who has been active in gay forum sites has seen this same story.

And remember, there is probably no place worse to try and seek romance than the place that provides your paycheck.

[LJay]

Per Iceblink: "And remember, there is probably no place worse to try and seek romance than the place that provides your paycheck."

Amen.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

As for normal, sorry to tell you this but you are acutely, profoundly and perhaps irretrievably normal.

Here is the deal.

Once you come out of the closet and start hanging around other gay men that love you seek will eventually happen.

Keep barking up the straight trees and you will get nothing but dead leaves after the fall.


"I didn't really pay much attention to him because he was usually an asshole"

Another danger point here is that you are attracted to assholes. You best better figure out what it is about assholes you find so attractive and work on not pursuing such interests. I assure you this opens the doors for your being attracted to users and abusers and that never ends well.

[Camfer]

You sound like a normal closet case. You could be a normal gay man. To be that, start making some out gay friends. You're in Chicago, so start going out in boystown and meet some people. It's not hard.

Oh and by the way don't fool yourself into thinking that you're 'really good at hiding' because no one is. People just are giving you your space to feel comfortable in who you are. Frankly, no one much cares about your sexuality other than you.

You're alone because you choose it. Choose otherwise and you can have gay friends, a gay social life, and eventually a gay boyfriend. In a major urban center in the USA in the 21st century, this is really a non issue.

Don't waste another day musing about what could be. Make it happen. Stop thinking you're pathetic. Figure out what your strengths are and present that to the world. A little self confidence will serve you well.

Good luck with it! It's going to be fun!

[MikeW]

I don't know where to start...

Damn, so much good (albeit somewhat stern) advice in this thread -- and right on target, too. Bud, PLEASE don't be another 1-post wonder. Come back and hang out with us in this forum. Get to know other gay men… even if it is just online. And this is the perfect forum to do it in, too. Consider it a stepping stone to the rest of your life. We'll all be as supportive as we know how.

SURE… *many* of us have been EXACTLY where you are -- and more or less at your age. But what you need is to start moving away from "hiding" to coming out. It can be a gradual process and we can help you deal with any complications. As you begin to do that, you can *stop* focusing your amorous intentions on *straight dudes* and begin to see what a wonderful candy store of opportunity exists for a young gay man, especially in a city like Chicago. Again, we'll be happy to assist you with this process -- but YOU have to make the decision that you WANT it. Otherwise, frankly, there's nothing any of us can do. You'll stay stuck in your "safe" but frustrating world until you just can't take it any more and HAVE to change.

[Albie]

I agree with the others. It is best to get comfortable with yourself before you take on a boyfriend. No guy knows to flirt with you if you do not step out of the closet.

I'm a big sucker for being attracted to straight, unavailable men. Flamboyancy is a turn off for me (and very popular with gay guys in my area), so I know how it feels to be in imaginationland. But I keep it in imaginationland, and look for more plausible candidates elsewhere in reality. But then again I am single, so what the heck do I know? lol

[TwisttheLeaf]

And remember, there is probably no place worse to try and seek romance than the place that provides your paycheck.

THIS. God, yeah. THIS. I can't stress enough how bad of an idea this is. You need money for your livelihood, and nothing will get you fired faster than personal drama at work. It's just a bad idea on all sides.

That said? I just want to reassure you that it's OK to like men, man. It really is. Who you are attracted to does NOT define who you are, or if you're "normal" or not. It's just a small part of the whole of who you are.

[Rareboy]

Totally normal.

And so is being a homo.

As for your work crush? In addition to the excellent advice that the others have given