Taking the conversation to another level....

[HungryEyes]

To start of, I'm new to the gay dating scene. And I have done quite a bit of online reading... and what I've learned is that there is no one golden rule or method! But what I can't find online about is the "taking the conversation to another level". So here's my story...

I've been speaking with a guy I met online since autumn. We met for coffee at a café in february (I'm not sure if it was just a meet up or a date), it went really well (I think) and he sent me a message online later that night that he had a good time. And I replied the same, and added that I would like to meet him again and he too replied the same. The second meet up/date is coming up soon (yet to finalise when/where).

But what I've been wondering about is the conversation between us online. We chat yes, he's (I think) a shy one so he doesn't always make initiative in asking or talking (something to worry about?). I'm pretty good at keeping a general conversation alive and fun... but what I'm mainly wondering is what am I supposed to ask/talk about to take the conversation to another level as in, giving a hint that I'd like to be in a relationship with him? You know, "spice up" the conversation in a good way, without it being too "let's seal the deal" intention. Because, I think I might "miss the train" if I don't start ?stepping up my game? especially on the second meet up/date.

Let me know if this is unclear :o)

[Lexington]

Welcome to GS!

The best way to find out is the direct way. During your next get-together, you can just ask. "Hey, this might seem a bit forward, but I'd sort of like to know where you want this thing to be headed. Are you hoping to just be friends? Friends and maybe something more? A full-on relationship? I just don't want to be working at cross-purposes here."

Now, he might not actually KNOW. He might simply be in the "I like this guy, and what I've found so far is appealing, so let's learn some more and see where we end up". And that's totally fine, too.

Lex

[HungryEyes]

If a guy would ask me that, I have to admit... I would find that a bit awkward. Especially on a second meet up/date. However, I guess my reply would be a sort of "one step at a time" reply.

I feel like, being that straight forward with that kind of a question could scare the other person.

[MikeW]

If a guy would ask me that, I have to admit... I would find that a bit awkward. Especially on a second meet up/date. However, I guess my reply would be a sort of "one step at a time" reply.

I feel like, being that straight forward with that kind of a question could scare the other person.

I think you need to establish whether you are dating or not. I don't consider "meeting for coffee" a "date". It's just a meet-up. You didn't say what the plan is for this next meeting. To me a "date" is a bit more formal in the sense that it is a plan to "do something" (dinner, movie, theatre, w/e) together. I don't think it hurts to let someone know you are interested in them… and there are a variety of ways of doing that. So far, apparently, you've both indicated interest… enough to have a second meeting. Now I'd up the ante a bit. Think of something you want to do but would like to do *with him* and ASK him if he'd like to join you.

Beyond that, I think, it is about arranging opportunity for the possibility of something more to happen. Generally driving or walking to and from events gives one an opportunity to talk in some privacy (as opposed to being in a coffee shop or restaurant). The down side is during the entertainment, one is paying attention to that, not one another. Home cooked dinners are good not only for conversation (do you cook?) but also to "set the stage" for the possibility of something more happening.

All this can be done without actually asking a flat-out question like "are you interested in me." I'd say so far HE IS, that's apparent from the on-going online conversation and the meet ups. To move it along, you just need to devise ways of spending more quality and private time with him and see if he's interested in doing that. Also, see whether or not he reciprocates by asking YOU out… If he doesn't that's not necessarily a sign of anything, especially if he is shy or socially awkward. However, at some point, I think we all like to either hear or have indicated through actions that someone is enjoying our company and would like to spend more time with us.

Another thing, I think, is moving conversation beyond chit-chat. Actually talking about what is going on in your life… your hopes and fears, perhaps… or something that especially interests you. See if you can get him to open up in that more personal direction as well by asking him questions and being sensitive to his responses.

Welcome to the forum and good luck!

[LJay]

You are not exactly at the beginning of things. You have been talking with this guy since autumn. You are now seeing him in person. I agree with Mike. Find something to do together. In the meantime, watch for physical moves or signals and be ready to move. Fairly soon, you should be able to talk about sex. He may be very shy or he may be waiting on you to start things. Getting out of public venues may help.

[HungryEyes]

About the second meet up, I was thinking about a pool bar. I imagine it being a venue to both talk and at the same time be doing something together and having some fun. And than maybe after a game or two sit down and have a drink (if everything is going well).

I'm pretty good at the kitchen! But wouldn't it be a bit too much too soon to invite him to dinner for the second meet up/date?

He was actually the one who made the initiative of asking me out for the first meet up/date.

We've talked a bit about interests & hopes and that kind of stuff. Although I don't know whether online messaging is the best venue for all those kinds of topics (hopes, fears, family, interest... topics in which a person has to open his/herself), think it might be better to talk about that kind of stuff during the meet ups/dates. Basically, I'm not saying that that shouldn't be talked about online, but the online venue (in my opinion, I'm 24 years old btw) is more of a chit-chat venue.

[Albie]

I agree with Mike. Ask him for something more formal and if he accepts it is pretty safe to know if he is into you.

Do not be concerned with his lack of initiative. Some people just aren't capable of initiating conversation, although they would like to talk.

[HungryEyes]

You are not exactly at the beginning of things. You have been talking with this guy since autumn. You are now seeing him in person. I agree with Mike. Find something to do together. In the meantime, watch for physical moves or signals and be ready to move. Fairly soon, you should be able to talk about sex. He may be very shy or he may be waiting on you to start things. Getting out of public venues may help.

Than once again ... isn't it too much too soon inviting him for dinner a second meeting/date? Seeing as, well I at least don't know, whether we're just meeting up or dating.

[MikeW]

...I don't know whether online messaging is the best venue for all those kinds of topics (hopes, fears, family, interest... topics in which a person has to open his/herself), think it might be better to talk about that kind of stuff during the meet ups/dates. ...

Absolutely. Wasn't implying otherwise. Never ever try to discuss important or intimate issues via text. Skype *perhaps* if one has already established a working relationship and good communication.

[MikeW]

Than once again ... isn't it too much too soon inviting him for dinner a second meeting/date? Seeing as, well I at least don't know, whether we're just meeting up or dating.

Second date, no, I wouldn't invite someone to dinner in my home. Third, though