I want to date a disabled man, am I crazy?

[allanchen1990]

Hi guys my name is Allan, I am a 24-year-old grad student. I am here posting this thread because I have never actually been in a functional relationship. I lost my virginity when I was 15, and I used to have one-night stands with many guys (not proud to say, I had a HUGE crush on a guy in basketball team when I was in high school, but he is straight and that’s how I dealt with it), but now I kinda get sick of having sex with random guys that I met online, and I haven’t done it in over a year. I also had several "boyfriends" but none of those relationships lasted over three months. I have never cheated on them or anything… we broke up just because we were not right for each other. I admit I might be a little bit nerdy but I am not a freak, I am not smokin’ hot but I am not ugly either. I just can’t figure out why some people can easily find love (whether they are attractive or not) but to me it seems like something too much to ask for. Is it because I don’t go out a lot and I strictly only do btm? Or probably just because not many guys prefer a skinny Asian?
Anyway, I am thinking maybe I should try to date someone who is blind, deaf-mute or whatever. I guess it might be much more difficult for disabled gay men to find a boyfriend than those who are healthy, and they should be more likely to stick around once in a serious relationship. I don’t mind taking care of his daily life, although I know it’s gonna be hard at first. I’m wondering where would be the best place to meet one, are there any sort of organizations that I can do volunteer? And is it abnormal that I have this thought?

[Lexington]

If you had told us that disabilities turn you on, that you're sexually excited by either generic or specific disabilities...I would've consider that something akin to a fetish. Other guys are turned on by heavier guys, or taller guys, or guys with big dicks, so why not?

But you didn't say that. You have said (in essence) "I want a disabled boyfriend because he would be so happy that somebody is actually interested in them, that they'll be more likely to stick around." And that seems a bit messed up to me.

Lex

[allanchen1990]

If you had told us that disabilities turn you on, that you're sexually excited by either generic or specific disabilities...I would've consider that something akin to a fetish. Other guys are turned on by heavier guys, or taller guys, or guys with big dicks, so why not?

But you didn't say that. You have said (in essence) "I want a disabled boyfriend because he would be so happy that somebody is actually interested in them, that they'll be more likely to stick around." And that seems a bit messed up to me.

Lex

Yes, that's pretty much what I meant. Is this really that awful of me for having such thought?

[MikeW]

Yes, that's pretty much what I meant. Is this really that awful of me for having such thought?

There are certainly FAR WOSRE thoughts people can have but, yeah, it's rather remarkably naïve and damn near prejudiced.

The way *I* look at it is that MOST gay men ARE "disabled" (damaged) -- that is, we are WOUNDED, largely from having grown up gay in a heteronormative culture. We all (most of us, anyway) carry those scars as baggage into our relationships and then wonder why we can't make things work. The thing is, unlike a physical "disability" these scars are mostly invisible (to the inattentive or untrained eye).

Frankly, from that POV, I don't see how someone with a physical challenge is going to be any different.

[meridannight]

Anyway, I am thinking maybe I should try to date someone who is blind, deaf-mute or whatever. I guess it might be much more difficult for disabled gay men to find a boyfriend than those who are healthy, and they should be more likely to stick around once in a serious relationship. I don’t mind taking care of his daily life, although I know it’s gonna be hard at first. I’m wondering where would be the best place to meet one, are there any sort of organizations that I can do volunteer? And is it abnormal that I have this thought?

you are getting ahead of yourself here. you're expecting a disabled person to be a definite match for you, whereas their relationships are subject to the same issues/concerns as everyone else's in addition to their disability problems. on average as a whole, i wouldn't expect them to be a better match in relationships than people without disability. people match or they don't match, disability or any other secondary physical characteristic usually doesn't have anything to do with it.

you are either a: too impatient to see the irrationality behind your ''reasoning'' there (in which case you are not getting into relationships for the right reason to begin with) or b: unwilling to analyze/face what really seems to be the problem in the relationships that you have had.

if you've only had 2-3 relationships it could be that you've just had some bad luck. if, however, it's been more than that, and none of them seem to work after some time, i'd look into the first person. maybe you have some tendencies/behaviors/habits that tend not to be so compatible with long-term relationships? how do you treat your partner? how do you choose your partner? etc, etc. think about that. when relationships consistently fail for someone, the status quo is rarely ''i'm-doing-everything-right-on-my-side''.

PS. i bolded the part that should give you some pause.

[Lexington]

Yes, that's pretty much what I meant. Is this really that awful of me for having such thought?

Having the thought? I guess not. I've certainly had worse. Actually going through with it? Yeah, that's pretty bad.

I've been known to say that some people look for boy/girlfriends like they're shopping for clothes. They're looking for X, Y and Z...and it can't be V or W. And technically nothing wrong with that on the surface, but it neglects the fact that when looking for a boyfriend, you're not just the buyer - you're also the seller (as well as the product). And so you need to look beyond "here's what I want" to be "here's what I have to offer".

And you've at least done that here. In fact, it's what led you here in the first place. You're saying "I'm offering my caregiving skills, which should be enough to make me a candidate for a disabled person's boyfriend." But that neglects the fact that most disabled people 1. usually are working pretty hard at being independent, and aren't looking for a caregiver, and 2. those that do aren't necessarily looking for a caregiver and boyfriend all wrapped up in one.

Lex

[allanchen1990]

you are getting ahead of yourself here. you're expecting a disabled person to be a definite match for you, whereas their relationships are subject to the same issues/concerns as everyone else's in addition to their disability problems. on average as a whole, i wouldn't expect them to be a better match in relationships than people without disability. people match or they don't match, disability or any other secondary physical characteristic usually doesn't have anything to do with it.

you are either a: too impatient to see the irrationality behind your ''reasoning'' there (in which case you are not getting into relationships for the right reason to begin with) or b: unwilling to analyze/face what really seems to be the problem in the relationships that you have had.

if you've only had 2-3 relationships it could be that you've just had some bad luck. if, however, you have been in numerous relationships, and none of them seem to work after some time, i'd look into the first person. maybe you have some tendencies/behaviors/habits that tend not to be so compatible with long-term relationships? how do you treat your partner? how do you choose your partner? etc, etc. think about that. when relationships consistently fail for someone, the status quo is rarely ''i'm-doing-everything-right-on-my-side''.

PS. i bolded the part that should give you some pause.

There are probably only three people I would call them my boyfriends, or ex-boyfriends. And two of them are back to when I was in high school, at the time most people are immature, so I'm not sure if I fit in the case of "numerous relationships". Well I think you are maybe right, there has nothing to do with disabilities when it comes to a better match in a relationship.

[allanchen1990]

you are getting ahead of yourself here. you're expecting a disabled person to be a definite match for you, whereas their relationships are subject to the same issues/concerns as everyone else's in addition to their disability problems. on average as a whole, i wouldn't expect them to be a better match in relationships than people without disability. people match or they don't match, disability or any other secondary physical characteristic usually doesn't have anything to do with it.
PS. i bolded the part that should give you some pause.

There are probably only three people I would call them my boyfriends, or ex-boyfriends, and two of them are back to when I was in high school, at the time most people are immature, so I'm not sure if I fit in the case of "numerous relationships", but I think ur maybe right, there has nothing to do with disabilities when it comes to a better match in a relationship.

[Borg69]

You're only 24. Relationships are trial and error. Just because they don't work out, doesn't necessarily make you a failure. It kinda sounds like you didn't learn anything from your previous attempts. I would suggest some introspective thoughts on whom you're choosing to jump into relationships with before going all MISERY on some poor guy and tying him in your basement.

[allanchen1990]

And you've at least done that here. In fact, it's what led you here in the first place. You're saying "I'm offering my caregiving skills, which should be enough to make me a candidate for a disabled person's boyfriend." But that neglects the fact that most disabled people 1. usually are working pretty hard at being independent, and aren't looking for a caregiver, and 2. those that do aren't necessarily looking for a caregiver and boyfriend all wrapped up in one.

Lex

Well I wasn’t posting a dating ad so I’m not trying to offer anything here. I don’t know what you will do, but if my man is in a wheelchair and he needs to travel, I’m not gonna sit at home look pretty and let him go take a bus, but if he refuses my help, that’s fine. You can call that’s an offer, but it’s more like a responsibility to me. In my opinion, if you really love someone it is the most natural thing that you want to take care of him whether he is disabled or not. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not bragging about what a giver I am. I just believe sometimes when you do offer or need to make some sacrifice for someone, you don’t always think if he is worth it or not, it’s just the matter of willing to do it or not.
So I don’t really like the way you compared looking for a boyfriend to a transaction, although it is kinda true. I guess if everybody thinks the way you do, things would be so much easier.