Sex only after marriage - really?

[phillyboy1234]

This variant. He believes God loves all people regardless of their sexual preferences ot anything and that He made gay people Himself.

Yes, we've talked about sex and he knows I want him in a sexual way as well. However he said I'll have to wait until we get married because he only believes in sex after marriage as it will be blessed by God then and sex between people who are not married is an unchaste and unpure thing, a sin. It's hard for me to understand as I don't believe in God myself.

And no, he doesn't masturbate. At least that what he told me.

I might sit down with him and talk with him about your concerns. You should explain to him your own feelings, and break things down: are you willing to wait for all forms of sex? If the answer is no--then what do you expect? If he holds firm, then you have reached an impasse, and it is at that point that you need to decide whether to stay or to go. It should not be a snap decision, rather if you decide to leave him you should let him know that while you truly do like him, you think you would be better off as good friends. Essentially you are good friends right now. Would he be willing to stand by your side as a friend if you move on? At first he might be very upset, but in time would he be the same best friend he is now? This is impossible for him to answer, but deep down I think you know the answer.

My other concern would be moving forward: if you stay by his side what happens if in a year you think marriage is coming, and he ends it? Will you feel regret and bitterness for having waited? That bitterness will be staunch, enough to keep you from being his friend--is that something you or he would truly want? If you wait and you do marry, will he then go from zero to sixty in no time? In other words, is he going to go from no sex and no masturbation to wanting sex as often as you do? Or will he be content with sex one time a month? If it is the latter, will you stand by his side?

I think the other thing to keep in mind is this: is he the right guy for you? You can care a lot about a person, but it does not mean that you should be sleeping next to him.

Does that make sense?

Also, the Church can refuse to do gay marriages no matter what the law of the land says. A religious ceremony and a state ceremony are not necessarily the same thing. Often times, someone who gets married in a church already has their official marriage certificate from the state. Being gay, you could either get married in a gay friendly church (no official Catholic parish would sanction this), or you would go to a justice of the peace for a state ceremony.

[East]

The church most definitely CAN...and WILL... refuse to do that.

In the US..there is a separation of church and state...for good reason.

If a church could not refuse...we wouldn't have gay marriage legal in so many places today...

Marriage is a legal contract...anything after that is up to the individuals involved to define..but you can't expect other people to go along with the definition you choose...and certainly NOT the Catholic Church.

[MikeW]

Well I think that if a country has a law that allows same sex marriage, the church cannot refuse to do that.

Well, I don't know about where you are but there is legal "marriage" and there is marriage within a religious church... they may not be the same thing. So if you're not SURE about this, where you are, you should find out.

I basically just wanted to hear your thoughts about this. He told me this when we just started dating and he said that if I cannot do it, we cannot be together. Even now sometimes when I try to touch him, he says that if I cannot do it, he lets me go and find myself a guy who's more like me. I chose to be with him knowing that he says no to sex before marriage, probably I hoped that he'd change his mind. I want to be with him but I also want sex.

Alright, so, that bolded part, that was a big mistake on your part. Big mistake. YOU WERE DISHONEST WITH HIM AND YOURSELF. It was a little 'lie' that is now biting you in the ass big time.

I know that there are some hetero couples where one person don' want sex before marriage but somehow they work it out. I've read much about this and they don't regret the waiting. I want to believe we can work this out too, it' just quite hard for me.

Well, again, I don't know. I suspect if you *really* dig into that you'll find that there may be some couples who don't regret waiting but there are others who DO regret it, big time. And, from what you said above, this "wait" could be 5 years, right? That's a very long time to "wait" for something like this.

At this point my advice is for you to get married tomorrow. Forget the whole "big wedding" falderal for now. Just go to a magistrate (or whoever has the power to wed people where you are), get the license, perform the civil act and get it over with. IF you guys want a big formal church ceremony later, go for it.

TO ME... the fact that you are living with parents should make NO difference at all. IOW, it isn't *that* uncommon for a young married couple to live with one or the other's parents when just starting out. It happens.

Now, if that advice doesn't cut it, I don't know what to tell you.

[Edward]

Maybe it's worth it. At least you can be sure he's not sick with any sexual disease.

[phillyboy1234]

I do know a couples who have waited for penetrative sex, but most still do other stuff. It is highly unusual for people to wait for everything. The reason is behind the dogma: the Catholic Church condones only penetrative sex, and it is only because sex is to serve to have a family. It does not condone masturbation, oral, or anal sex. Being two gay men, this would not apply to you. You could argue that it makes it more special, but does that mean you should wait for all forms of sex?

I just fear that you are setting yourself up for major hurt down the road.

[Bhp91126]

You are being had. Only a tiny minority of Christian straight people go for the no-sex-before-marriage crap. If he doesn't want to have sex now, he is flat out not attracted to you. I think a big part of him wants you to give up, so he doesn't have to break up with you. He is not mature enough to be in a relationship at this point and I'm not sure you are.

[CellarDweller]

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're meant to marry him. You will find you are not compatible with everyone you love.

Very true.

While I don't have sex quickly, I would never make a partner 'wait' for marriage. Once I feel the bond is strong enough, I'm comfortable having sex with them.

[phillyboy1234]

You are being had. Only a tiny minority of Christian straight people go for the no-sex-before-marriage crap. If he doesn't want to have sex now, he is flat out not attracted to you. I think a big part of him wants you to give up, so he doesn't have to break up with you. He is not mature enough to be in a relationship at this point and I'm not sure you are.

I'm not sure that I'd lump everything into only one possibility. But it is certainly unusual.

When a straight couple foregoes all sex before marriage, people often wonder if one or both are secretly gay. All I can say is, such a suspicion is completely unwarranted here.

[Borg69]

Is he a Disney princess? The whole waiting for marriage thing was more important in the past when women were property and heirs and blood lines meant more than they do today. These days no one buys a car without test driving it first. There are more than likely a ton of other scriptures he's picking and choosing to follow to the letter... I find most religious people to be hypocrites.

I think you're setting up a bad precedence in your relationship where he calls all the shots and makes all the rules using religion as a crutch.

[phillyboy1234]

To the OP- have you decided on anything? Whether to stay, or talk to him, or to go?