Sex only after marriage - really?

[Anonymous]

For some reason I always thought only heterosexual couples have this situation in their relationships - wedding first, sex later. However now I'm dating a religious guy, he's Catholic and twenty one years old, I'm twenty two. We're together five months now and he doesn't want to do anything sexual before marriage. We live in a country where gay marriage is allowed but we're both students, each of us still living with our parents, no job and basically no independence which means we can't get married at least until we finish our studies and get jobs, so almost five years. And we're supposed to live all this time without sex. We kiss but nothing more than that. He's a virgin, I'm not and I want to make love to him so badly. But he rejects me all the time, claiming that sex before blessing of the God is bad.

You will probably say - find yourself someone to satisfy your needs. I cannot do that. I love him and only want to have sex with him. I also want to marry him but it'll take forever before we can actually do it. Maybe it's easier for him than for me because as a virgin he just doesn't know how sex with another person feels like so it's easier for him to wait.
You might think I'm impatient and don't care about my boyfriend's wishes. That's not true, I understand it's important for him and I respect his decision. But I'm just a guy in love and I get very horny when we're together, I can't help it. He smells so wonderful and his skin is so soft that I start touching him, yes, I've tried to seduce him several times and I always get the same reaction - he gently pushes me away or moves away from my arms. It really feels like torture.
And also I'm worried that what if after we get married, it'll turn out that we're incompatible in bed? He, on the other hand, doesn't believe in sexual incompatibility and thinks that a really loving couple can work out anything.

I don't know what to do guys. Of course, I can masturbate and I'll keep doing it but I think that two people should get to know each other in bed before such a serious step as marriage. What do you think?

[Jan]

Firstly, according to the Catholic Church, thou shall not sleep with a person of the same sex. Therefore, regardless whether it's done before marriage or not, it will still be a sin, as Catholics do not have any recognition of same-sex couples. I think you should make your partner aware of this. I'm surprised that he doesn't know or acknowledge this already.

Secondly, if he still insists on chastity, just masturbate and wait patiently. Call me naive, but I still believe in true love and if you really do love him, you'll wait. It won't be sugar, obviously but a sweetener will do for the time being.

Best of luck to you and your future husband.

[phillyboy1234]

Firstly, according to the Catholic Church, thou shall not sleep with a person of the same sex. Therefore, regardless whether it's done before marriage or not, it will still be a sin, as Catholics do not have any recognition of same-sex couples. I think you should make your partner aware of this. I'm surprised that he doesn't know or acknowledge this already.

Very true, and this aspect of Catholicism is what concerns about me about the boyfriend. Is he the type of Catholic who understands that he is gay and accepts it and plans on marrying another man? Or is he the type of Catholic who enjoys the company of men, but ultimately does not plan on taking things further than "good friends", as it would violate the tenets of his faith?

Only the OP can know for sure, I suppose. If the boyfriend is fully open and will be willing to get married to another man, I would hang in there and just let him know how I feel. The occasional nudge that you want sex is not new, in fact it is the premise of an entire story line in American Pie. That said, if the boyfriend is ultimately going to put the pillars of Catholicism above his personal happiness, it will necessitate another type of discussion entirely.

Just curious, have you let him know that you want sex, any type of sex? Also...not to get personal but does he masturbate? As this too is against the Catholic faith.

[Anonymous]

Is he the type of Catholic who understands
that he is gay and accepts it and plans on marrying another man?

This variant. He believes God loves all people regardless of their sexual preferences ot anything and that He made gay people Himself.

Yes, we've talked about sex and he knows I want him in a sexual way as well. However he said I'll have to wait until we get married because he only believes in sex after marriage as it will be blessed by God then and sex between people who are not married is an unchaste and unpure thing, a sin. It's hard for me to understand as I don't believe in God myself.

And no, he doesn't masturbate. At least that what he told me.

[meridannight]

You will probably say - find yourself someone to satisfy your needs.

this seems to me the most sensible thing for you to do, under the circumstances, yes.

I cannot do that. I love him and only want to have sex with him.

forget about it. i understand you have this love thing, and you don't want to give up on that. i do get it. but the reality of the situation is -- feelings are not the only thing that compatibility stands on in a relationship. sex is a very big part of it. it does not make any sense at all to hold off before marriage. actually, you might find yourself worse off. you get married, and then out come all these sexual incompatibilities, that might not seem like a big deal to you now on the background of your feelings for him, but it will start grinding on you, on him, on the relationship, if that is the case.

these things need to be resolved and revealed before marriage/relationship.

You might think I'm impatient and don't care about my boyfriend's wishes.

not at all. i actually think you're in the right to expect sex from him.

He smells so wonderful and his skin is so soft that I start touching him, yes, I've tried to seduce him several times and I always get the same reaction - he gently pushes me away or moves away from my arms. It really feels like torture.

I don't know what to do guys. Of course, I can masturbate and I'll keep doing it but I think that two people should get to know each other in bed before such a serious step as marriage. What do you think?

i don't know what to else to say. i wish i could tell you that this is a small issue and will eventually go away, but this isn't the case. it is a big issue. you two will either find a compromise, some way to meet in the middle, or i don't see much hope. he really can't expect you to put off sex until you two tie the know at the altar. in the 21st century and in our society that is an unrealistic approach, even for religious people.

[Pyromancer]

I was raised Catholic but no longer consider myself a part of that or any other organized religion. But I have issues with a person who claims to be a good Catholic (or Baptist or whatever) but picks and chooses among the teachings of the church and only adheres to those rules which suit them.

He's willing to ignore the ban on homosexuality but adhere to the teachings about sex? By most standards, homosexuality would be the greater sin. Am I the only one puzzled by that? I guess I'm wondering if he has other issues with sex/sexuality...and is, either consciously or unconsciously, using religion as an excuse?

[MikeW]

This is the kind of question where I go, "What does the OP want US to do about this?" If you just want to vent about it and have random more or less anonymous people hear you, fine. But, seriously? I think your boy friend is delusional as hell. Yeah, that's a very out-spoken opinion and not put nicely at all but that's just the way I see it. So, you're in love with him. Ok. Well, so.. what *are* you going to do about it? Are you just going to complain to strangers online (or friends, or family IRL?) OR... are you going to get it that a RELATIONSHIP is not and can not ever be ONE SIDED where *one person* gets his needs met and the other does not? A relationship is a lot of thing but one thing it must be is communication, which implies *understanding* -- and that's a two-way street. So, I don't really know what you want to hear, here. I don't mean to be snarky but, seriously?

[East]

My opinion...all you have is today...use it or lose it.

I also think he is delusional....and the other thinking that goes along with being a virgin and the whole "purity" mindset that it requires...be prepared for a life of rules.

Ask him which Catholic Church is going to marry the both of you? ...and give you both their blessing.

[Camfer]

Truth is, there are probably hundreds of thousands of gay Catholic priests, many of whom are not celibate, none of whom are married. So the example is set.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're meant to marry him. You will find you are not compatible with everyone you love.

[Anonymous]

Well I think that if a country has a law that allows same sex marriage, the church cannot refuse to do that.

I basically just wanted to hear your thoughts about this. He told me this when we just started dating and he said that if I cannot do it, we cannot be together. Even now sometimes when I try to touch him, he says that if I cannot do it, he lets me go and find myself a guy who's more like me. I chose to be with him knowing that he says no to sex before marriage, probably I hoped that he'd change his mind. I want to be with him but I also want sex.

I know that there are some hetero couples where one person don' want sex before marriage but somehow they work it out. I've read much about this and they don't regret the waiting. I want to believe we can work this out too, it' just quite hard for me.