marriage issues

[abritabroad]

hi everyone
this is my first time in the forum ..i,m just really needing some outside perspectives on some issues in my marriage..
i have been with my husband for 9 years and we married 4 years ago...
prior to this relationship i was always open with my sexuality but a bit of a tart and reluctant to open my heart and get hurt.
my partner had several serious relationships and his last relationship of 8 years ended up being open and then dissolved when his partner lied to him and ran off with a new lover..
the point now is that we have generally really good connection but sexually we are having an open relationship and have been for some time and are having issues around trust and honesty.
my partner is a really decent guy. i loved him for providing stability his reliability and the fact that i felt i could trust him but monogamy has if i am honest been an issue for both of us due to the fact that we stated the relationship when i was 30 and he was 40 and had already been around the block and were used to being sexually active and enjoying that side..
we are both hiv positive and healthy and undetectable and lucky that we have this bond. i had a fear some time ago that this was maybe one of the backbones of the relationship but i know that we share a love of many interests, our communication is good and we enjoy each others company.
i was quite insecure about being in a relationship and getting hurt prior to meeting him but found it difficult to be monogamous as i have always had issues with anonymous sex being a painkiller for me when i had issues to avoid.. we seem to have fallen in to roles of him being the good guy and me being the bad guy which i think is not entirely fair..i may be the bad guy but have always been honest about what i am doing and if i have fucked up confessed and tried to make amends.
a year ago i had the horrible realisation from a mean spirited lover of his that decided to inform me online that my partner was having unsafe sex and 3 ways with him and another guy and i was shocked and very hurt by this..
we may be both positive but this is definitely outside our rules and when i finally confronted him about it after several months he lied to me about it until i gradually over time got a confession out of him..
the relationship really suffered for this and he promised that it would never happen again..
in the last year we have both been seeing guys on grind and our relationship has worked but sexually there is more activity outside of it than inside it.
from my side i am very clear on boundaries and enjoy the lovers i have outside the relationship but am very clear that we have safe sex and that communication and friendship are allowed but if things get complicated i draw a line clearly and if i have any confused feelings inform my partner as i would feel guilty not too..
i have felt bad that we have not had as much sex within the relationship as i would have liked but he has put this down to the fact that he is tired after work, timing etc and that i have a higher sex drive so he is cool with me having sex outside the relationship..we have a healthy banter about this side of things or so i thought and i know that on business trips he has had the odd fling but i have not felt jealous or threatened by it..
howver over christmas i stupidly decided to test if something was wrong and if there was another reason for the lack of sex at home and looked through his romeo account on his i pad and didn't like what i found..
after our discussion about safe sex from the encounter last year he had been visiting a masseur on several occasions and having unsafe sex on each occasion..
i am not a saint but whenever any encounter of risk has come up i hav been responsible and tested and informed my partner immediately..
my problem here is that i again gave him the opportunity to discuss this and he again denied it and lied to me..
i feel that the trust and honesty has totally broken down..
he has apologised again and again and i have been angry about it but at the same time i am aware that we both have issues here and have booked a session with a counsellor later this week.
my partner and i are trying to move on from this and communication has been good and we have been hibernating a little together and trying to discuss things more openly..
he is now away on a business trip and i went on grinder and found him there tonight which is ok..but at the same time..this bloody masseur guy was on line and has started sending me messages asking if i want to join in unsafe gang bangs with him and its really rubbing my nose in it and provoking my feelings of not being able to trust my partner.. and of course now starting to wonder if he is again on a business trip and on grinder how can i know that he is not putting us at risk again and continuing to have unsafe sex... we may both be hiv positive but we both have no viral load and are undetectable and i don't want the stress of std s like hepatitis or anything else..
i told him that his masseur guy was contacting me and how it made me feel and to his credit he apologised and owned it but I'm not sure if i am being an idiot here and should be alarmed by these signals..
has anyone had similar experiences or any advice to offer me.. ?
thanks in advance

[abritabroad]

i just reread my post from last night and think i perhaps overcomplicated the issue, making it difficult for people to understand.. i think thats symptomatic of how confused i feel about him and the relationship right now.
Basically i,m really hurting and angry that the honesty and trust has ben jeopardised with the unsafe sex visits with the masseur he visited and the lack of his ability to come clean..

[Beaux]

Hi and Welcome to the Forum!
I fear that I simply am not the person to answer your questions on this particular question, so I will leave it for those who engage in this sort of relationship to answer; we have a lot of great people here on the Forum, so perhaps someone else can offer you advice or sympathize with you on this one.
Good Luck,
~Beaux

[Cuddly]

I'm a one-man's-man, so I can't really help.
Welcome to gayspeak.

[Bhp91126]

I have lots of questions for you. Not that I expect you to answer them on here, but just to help you negotiate this mess.

I assume that your rule is to only have safer-sex outside the relationship.

Why is your husband unable/unwilling to follow the rules for sex with others? What is the appeal of barebacking for him? What does he think of your safer sex rule?

As for you, can you accept a husband who is having bareback sex outside the relationship? If he were to continue that, what would your consequences be?

What needs to happen so you would trust him again?

[abritabroad]

thanks for your response bhp91126
good questions and i,m processing them..
correct the rule is safer sex outside the relationship and if issues come up to address them and deal with them together..
i find communicating about sex perhaps easier than my partner.. and our "roles" seem to have panned out to be him as the balanced "good" guy and me as the "bad buy needing more sex outside the relationship but it seems that this was not actually the case at all.
I think my husband has less fear than i do about unsafe sex and was more willing to engage in this even before we met and its obviously something he enjoys or needs more than me..
if he were to continue that I see that i only have 2 choices.. to leave him or to stay in a companion relationship without sex..
he has apologised and deleted all the gay apps but i haven't asked for this and i also think this is an unrealistic goal.. if I'm honest i also find the thought of doing that myself difficult and that is also an interesting area to look at..
i don't see myself as blameless here in the state of our relationship but in order for us to have a relationship going forward values of honesty, openness and respect need to be maintained. Im not prepared to risk contracting any number of other std,s

[abritabroad]

in addition when this situation came up the first time over a year ago.. my husband agreed to the safer sex outside the relationship rule yet within 3 months of this was visiting a masseur who apparently surprised him by penetrating during the massage and he told himself he wouldn't go back again but then did monthly after that..

[abritabroad]

btw thanks to the other 2 guys for welcoming my entry here on the forum.. much appreciated

[Camfer]

thanks for your response bhp91126

if he were to continue that I see that i only have 2 choices.. to leave him or to stay in a companion relationship without sex..

Im not prepared to risk contracting any number of other std

I'd place my bets on your partner continuing his past behavior.

I don't think it's going to work, but you could add yet another rule that you only have sex with others together. That allows you to make sure it's all safer sex.

Bottom line is your partner doesn't appear to respect you and doesn't value his own health or yours, from what you've told us thus far.

[abritabroad]

camfer - we have successfully had sex with others together but more vacation sex..and it has worked and we have both agreed we enjoyed tha but not on home turf it seems a bit too close to home somehow although I'm not entirely sure why..