My boyfriend would never initiate sex.

[SergioWinterdal]

Hi I'm 27 years old, and my boyfriend is 40. Our relationship together is great, just like every other relationship we have our ups and downs. But what frustrates me the most is that sex only happens when he is in the mood. I can't initiate it cause he would easily turn me down and expects me to jerk off ( which that doesn't satisfied my needs). It could only happen when he's in the mood,which is not very often. He also broke up with me once because he is not sexually active and after that ask me for forgiveness. It's starting to get at a point that it's very frustrating and it's taking a toll on me. I'm a very understanding and faithful person. I cook, clean, repair (handyman), good friend, supportive boyfriend. Allot of friends and encounters before I meet him compliments me on my way of being... They say I restore hope in true love/gentleman. I am afraid to ask him to do something because he would reject me and I hate being rejected and just like my previous relationship I would shut down and avoid sex. Frustrating for a 27 year old guy

[Pyromancer]

I don't think it's the age difference...my BF is 12 years older but lack of interest in sex is definitely not a problem. Do you think it could be a physical issue --- erectile dysfunction, low testosterone, etc...?

Whether it's physical or emotional, if he has no interest in dealing with it, what are your options...?

1 - Sound him out about the possibility of an open relationship -
2 - Leave him and find someone else -
3 - Deal with it and try not to feel resentful or cheated -

IDK man...sex is certainly not THE most important thing, but it's part of the glue that holds a couple together. I know that I couldn't handle a relationship where I encountered constant physical rejection.

You're the only one who can make this life decision...good luck, and I hope you find a way to work things out...

[Darius]

This kind of thing always puzzles me. We have read these things here before.
An older guy loses interest in sex with his younger bf. You would think that would boost his libido, wouldn't you? On top of that, he is rebuffing your moves on him. He is going to kill
the relationship. That is worse than not just being able to keep up sexually. Doesn't he realize he is going to kill the relationship?

Is it possible he is cheating? While it could be something physically wrong with him, I bet it goes deeper than that. Sex was good and frequent in the beginning?

[Lexington]

The age difference may or may not be a factor here, but honestly, it doesn't really matter. It seems you two have very different libidos. He expects you to take up the slack with masturbation, and you don't find that sufficient. I'd say you need to have a talk. Lay it out for him. Either he takes a few steps towards having more sex with you, or you start looking elsewhere to have your sexual needs met.

Lex

[MikeW]

...Our relationship together is great, just like every other relationship we have our ups and downs. But what frustrates me the most is that sex only happens when he is in the mood. ...

As others are saying, you need to have an honest talk with your partner about how you're feeling. I'm sure you have talked about it before but the question is, does HE want to keep the relationship? If so, does HE realize that, just like you, HE is going to have to make some compromises. For example, he may need to go to a DR and find out if he has low testosterone. Perhaps he needs to try taking Viagra or some other libido stimulant. However you do it, there needs to be *some* indication on his part that he's willing to try and at least meet you half way.

Otherwise, as [MENTION=21778]Lexington[/MENTION] said, you need to make it clear to him that you're going to have to go outside the relationship to get your sexual needs met. What other option do you have? You'll be asking him to *work with you* on this issue and if he's not willing to do that, well, that's on him, not you.

[Borg69]

Handcuffs... Resistance is Futile.

[East]

I don't necessarily think it has anything to do with the age difference...sounds more like a personality thing to me....

This is important...because...if you frame this issue within the parameters of the age difference....you may miss an opportunity to address it or understand it properly

I think if the age difference was more pronounced ..say 30+ years...it may be more likely to be part of the issue...

Having said that...the first thing that pops into my mind is maybe having issues of control...

I can explain. Even though he is gay...he may have absorbed traditional male behavior where he views himself as "the man" and any partner as "the women"...role/gender bias is strong in many men and women to this day...especially if he has had a traditional old world or conservative upbringing...

This is actually quite common...and it *IS* an issue of control...and if you look at the world as one entity...it is far more common than not with men and women of all ages and sexual identities....

Alot of men have a problem with a partner...usually a man/woman situation...who expresses any kind of interest in sex because he is no longer "in charge" . This can also apply to a man/man or a woman/woman situation depending on personality and if they have an ingrained gender/role identity...

There may be other factors as well...but I think "control" and maybe even "power" are part of the equation.

[Borg69]

^^^ I kind of agree with [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] , now that he says it... and primarily because of this:

He also broke up with me once because he is not sexually active and after that ask me for forgiveness. It's starting to get at a point that it's very frustrating and it's taking a toll on me. I'm a very understanding and faithful person. I cook, clean, repair (handyman), good friend, supportive boyfriend.

Between the two statements (East and OP's), it kinda sounds like you're the "bitch", but not the "whore".

[mvoco]

Just read this, it's similar to my situation and I was wondering the same thing - if it's the age difference.

Starting to think older men need to come with a handbook!

[JohnSomebody]

Well...from my own personal life...every guy that I've had a commitment relationship have been older than myself. For instance, my very first boyfriend was 16 years older than myself and I was just 20. However, he did not look his age at all and he was very sexually active. In fact, the majority of the time...he had initiated sex which occurred at three times a day all of the three years that we were together. He was insatiable...and the thing is because we were very much into each other sexually that each time we did it...it was basically a lot of anticipation as if it was the first time we ever had sex. Although, we broke up when I was 23 years old...every now and then...I run into him and although after all of these years...the conversation between us is rather uneasy and uncomfortable for me...but nonetheless..before that conversation comes to an end...he brings up our past sex antics. As a whole, I bring this all up just to say that not every older guy goes through the diversion of yours and I am a witness to that. However, I do agree that perhaps you may want to have a truthful chat with your partner and let him know your concerns. That way you will know what your options are and what the next step you may have to take in regard to your relationship on that level. Good luck and Best Wishes...