Hopelessly Searching for Love?

[shamelesslyINTP]

This being my first post I am unsure where I should start or even how one would begin to do so without boring you dear readers with unnecessary word-vomit. So, here goes:

I'm twenty, very much gay and in a complete conundrum in my life. After having my heart broken twice by guys I loved very much, I feel I am sinking into despair when I think about my prospects of finding "The One." Each of my two relationships ended in the same, predictably heartbreaking way: they were not only cheaters but addicts as well. It seems to me now that this is not an uncommon story, one repeated many a time by many a man. I currently live in Utah, not an entirely conducive environment for a romantic man such as myself, I know. However, I have lived as far east as Ohio and spent much of my life in Oregon; I know that it is not the pond, but the species of fish in each of these varied ponds. My last relationship ended terribly, I had three times hence leaving him caught him red-handed. Upon the fourth discovery, I kicked him out of my house with not a single regret. I should add that each of my relationships lasted 3 years, albeit not in a solid run.
Although I am happy with my decision to choose my own happiness over his manipulation, I cannot help but be left with the feeling that there is not another soul I can meet that will complement mine in such a way to convince me that he is in fact the "Guy." The local community is populated by men who have grown up with the Mormon influence and practice of chastity. Sex here is much more taboo than anywhere else and the resulting approval-vacuum has made the men here hellbent on having sex as much as possible because of such added rebellious thrill. They are so fixed upon sex that any notion of a long term relationship is scorned and the man behind such notions is seen as childish and a prude. Let me tell you, I am neither a prude nor a whore. The hookups I have had have always left me feeling devalued and worthless, tossed away like so much garbage. I fully believe in mental engagement before a physical one.

My question is, is it possible to still be a part of the gay community and not feel wholly and unabashedly objectified? How is it even possible to find that guy that just resonates with my soul when all I have seen around me are vapid men devoid of any substance that would redeem their more...animal qualities? Is love possible for someone of my age? How can I find that man when my experiences with Grindr and such are filled mostly with men asking for sex before even knowing my name? If that man is anything like me, he is trying his hardest to be unnoticed and therefore un-objectified.

I can't help but feel an overwhelming sadness when I think about my future and that I may be completely bereft of that companion which makes me feel utterly happy not for my body but for my ability and for my mind, someone with which I can talk endlessly and also with which I can be silent and still feel just as enthralled and ecstatic by their mere presence.

I am young, and maybe a touch naive. Yet if I can exist with such notions, then there must be another, somewhere, with the same sentiments. Please, help me figure out how to find him?

[East]

Read these pages..there are tons of guys who say the same thing you do....
I have suggested a few times...once very recently..that you all need to get together and start a club for men like yourselves.....someone needs to. Seriously...someone could make some serious cash if they decide to start one....

Set some ground rules. Don't allow any dick pics...or any pics at all. If dating on substance is the goal...it would be great to get to know someone by their words only to insure that no shallow men sneak in and ruin it.

Other than that...no advice from me. I am in a 29 year old very happy relationship with my soulmate....but before that I was an unapologetic slut when I met him and I truly loved using other men for sex....no regrets...so I think I would be one of those vapid men with no substance...

[Rareboy]

^ This.

The first thing you need to figure out is why you are attracted to the kind of guy that seems to hurt you.

One thing that I pick up from your writing is that you probably are much more erudite than the guys you've landed in the past....with a certain rigidity and righteous disapproval in the tone. I suspect that your search for a soulmate is going to be fairly sterile using apps like Grindr...you need to be plumbing the depths of the post-grad student world or university profs for a lifemate that may meet your exacting specifications.

Maybe it is time that you started to narrow your search and put yourself in situations where you are likely to meet these types of men. It isn't to say that they also won't be cheaters or addicts...but at least you will feel that you are fucking an intellectual equal in the meantime.

And in the meantime....why not relax a bit and just treat dating/hook-up sex as pure fun....and not as a predatory experience that leaves you feeling used an unsatisfied. And get over the false notion that casual fucking is a purely objectifying and somehow emotionally shallow soul-killing experience. You are only going to be this young once and sometimes the best possible way to win a game is to play it like you mean it.

Remember, you can be one of two things in life...a happy pig...or an unhappy philosopher.

[phillyboy1234]

Both previous posters make excellent points.

Maybe you should take a break for now, and just focus on you. Go out to gay bars, but not to meet guys, rather just to have fun. If Mr. Right walks through the door and sits next to you, you will realize it after a while. But, on the other hand, if he doesn't, then it's okay--you are only going out to enjoy a few beers! Same thing with the apps--get off of grindr and why not just create a shadow profile on something like OKC? You can just login a few times a week and see if anyone has messaged you, but you do not otherwise search for guys. You need to take some time to just relax and do stuff for you. If Mr. Right hits you up, fine, but if not then don't worry, your profile is still there for when you are ready.

[MikeW]

Remember, you can be one of two things in life...a happy pig...or an unhappy philosopher.

LOL... I was totally with you until you said this. And this I oppose only on the grounds that it is incomplete: One can also be an unhappy pig and a happy philosopher. Or, one can get all Schrödinger on the subject and question whether the box contains either pigs or philosophers, happy or otherwise, alive or dead!

[MikeW]

This being my first post I am unsure where I should start or even how one would begin to do so without boring you dear readers with unnecessary word-vomit. So, here goes:....

Excellent first post, actually. Welcome to GS...

What you're dealing with is SO common and it isn't anything new. Experiencing what you're on about totally messed me up when I was your age. Long story we won't go into.

But suffice it to say you've found the right place to discuss this stuff. The replies you've already gotten should be significant help if you listen and begin to apply some of what has been said in your life.

I'll also note you're only 20yo... and, for sure, it is a question whether someone your age can find a serious LTR. Of course it is possible but is it likely? Are you in fact ready for one? << This is the most essential question because, as we see, your choices so far have been less than satisfying. And, for sure, your exs fucked up... but there is that unpleasant reality that you CHOSE to get involved with them. How come? Is it just naive immaturity? Is it some yet to be dealt with negativity within one's self -- as in "I don't deserve better"? Both, neither, what?

The thing is most young people haven't yet asked themselves these kinds of questions, much less delved into them deeply enough to have come up not only with answers, but working plans for dealing with them.

So, read the advise given above. It's solid stuff. And there may be more forthcoming. Please feel free to hang out with us and discuss things. (This needn't all be serious business, either.) So far as I can tell from reading your first post, you're going to have a long, rich and satisfying life. Of course not every moment of it will be -- few lives have that kind of grace. But let yourself have what you do have so you can let yourself have more. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with you or anything like that. You're just frustrated at the moment, understandably. It's not always going to be like this, though!

[Lexington]

My question is, is it possible to still be a part of the gay community and not feel wholly and unabashedly objectified? How is it even possible to find that guy that just resonates with my soul when all I have seen around me are vapid men devoid of any substance that would redeem their more...animal qualities? Is love possible for someone of my age? How can I find that man when my experiences with Grindr and such are filled mostly with men asking for sex before even knowing my name?

I don't want to suggest that you can't find a great LTR via an app like Grindr, but then again, it's always seemed to me first and foremost a hook-up app. Complaining about the "quality" of men on Grindr is a bit like going to Denny's and complaining about the food. I mean, it's Denny's, you know?

[That said, let me take a second to point this out. I remember reading this quote in a gay magazine in the late 80s. "I have sex the way some guys shake hands - it's a great way to meet people." I'm not saying you SHOULD, or that it's the ONLY (or even the BEST) way to meet guys, but I feel I should point out that a lot of guys found their LTRs after having sex with them.]

So what do you do? I'd say a change in mindset is probably key. These should be your two mottos:

* I am not incomplete because I don't have a boyfriend.
* It's never a good time for a bad relationship, but it's never a bad time for a good relationship.

A lot of gay guys wander the landscape with sad faces because they're single and therefore somehow inferior. But that's not how it's supposed to work. A great relationship isn't two incomplete people making a "whole". It's two already-complete people making something even better. If you really don't feel complete, work on that. Work on liking yourself, loving yourself, befriending yourself until you DO feel complete. At that point, you'll be able to see potential relationships a bit clearer - you'll be more likely to pass on potentially bad relationships, and end one that isn't working out. Not only that, but I've found that loving yourself tends to attract more people to you...including what you might call the "right kind of people".

Lex

[Borg69]

You're looking in the wrong places, and falling too soon. Get to know these guys better before slipping on that wedding dress. Many lives are paved with broken hearts. What you learn from each of them will make you that perfect guy for someone else.

[Rareboy]

LOL... I was totally with you until you said this. And this I oppose only on the grounds that it is incomplete: One can also be an unhappy pig and a happy philosopher. Or, one can get all Schrödinger on the subject and question whether the box contains either pigs or philosophers, happy or otherwise, alive or dead!

I am sharing what one of my most influential professors in cultural history shared with us in first year........and of course.....we could never determine what might pigs unhappy except being food.

Thanks for the cat...it is being shared as I write.

[Lexington]

And in the meantime....why not relax a bit and just treat dating/hook-up sex as pure fun....and not as a predatory experience that leaves you feeling used an unsatisfied. And get over the false notion that casual fucking is a purely objectifying and somehow emotionally shallow soul-killing experience. You are only going to be this young once and sometimes the best possible way to win a game is to play it like you mean it.

A hamburger is terrible when judged by the qualifications of a steak...but that doesn't mean a hamburger is terrible. Similarly, no, a hook-up isn't an expression of unity and love between two people in love...but that doesn't mean it's a terrible thing. If it doesn't interest you at all, then fine - don't have one. But don't go into one expecting the other. To pull my other analogy back, I've eaten at Denny's...and enjoyed it, because I was EXPECTING Denny's.

Lex