Desperate need of help :(

[kevinfr23]

Hi everyone, I'm in desperate need for advice/help . Don't wanna bore anyone to tears with a extremely long story but please try to tolerate me and help me out as best as you can. I've been really depressed, sad, nervous, and constantly upset over this so I hope you can all treat me well. But basically :
BACKGROUND ON THIS GUY: Very shy, awkward, about 6'4 now (17 years old), has a few guy friends but he doesn't really hang out with them and usually stays alone in class, he doesn't speak to anyone, doesn't answer questions, basically kind of introverted.

- I've liked this guy since the beginning of high school
- Came out to him when I was 14 and his reaction was "really? stop lying. i swear if you're lying ill hate you" and then I told him I was kidding because I was still really nervous and afraid that he'd be homophobic
- Started talking again last year, Junior year, (had no classes so we talked when we walked in the hallways together); he would always call my name out from behind in the hallways which were REALLY crowded, he always left his friends to come talk to me and I'd do the same
- The first day I got his number we texted until 2am even though he had a paper to do but he still kept texting me back and forth, AND at one point he even told me I had sexy cheekbones? Random I know but just wanted to put that in.
- Everything crashed two months after we started talking, I was drunk at a party and I texted him and called him like crazy confessing my feelings for him (I know, so stupid.) and he kept trying to push it to the side and didn't talk to me for a while until I confronted him in person, but again, he just brushed it aside and thought I was just kidding since I was drunk (however i REASSURED him that I really did like him)

That was all in June, during the Summer we didn't talk at all but when I posted stories on my Snapchat he would always look at them no matter how long or how many there were.
Also, he now had a girlfriend around August, some girl whose been his childhood friend for literally his whole life. He had girlfriends before but when he was like 14,15, 16, nothing serious and it didn't seem as if he was attracted to them at all.

So now fast forward to September, Senior year, we have two classes together (THANK GOD) and in the beginning he talked to me when we got in a group project together! I was surprised because I thought he never wanted to speak to me again and I thought he'd be like disgusted because of his reaction to just brush away everything I said to him. But as the months came by, he didn't talk to me, but I always did notice that he'd look at me a lot. I study him all the time because as you can tell, I like this boy so much He doesn't look at other people and when girls with big nice butts walk by, or just genuinely BEAUTIFUL girls, he NEVER looks at them (I know he has a girlfriend now and he's being a good guy but hes never stared at girls once!). So yeah, I always catch him staring at me in class but as soon as we make eye contact, he looks away. Whenever I make jokes in class or whenever I'm talking to friends, I notice that he always laughs along with me and has his attention on me. Like he CONSTANTLY knows what I'm doing.

So now its April, and for the past 2 months, my friend has been helping me out with a little experiment. I've been wanting to see just how much he looks at me, because my friend told me that she always catches him looking at me. SO what I do is I get up from my seat, and I throw garbage in the trash or go to my teacher's desk, and while I do this, my friend looks at him for me to see what hes looking at (I sit behind my friend and my friend sits behind this guy, so we're all in the same row, vertically) and when I get back, she tells me that he literally has his eyes glued on me the entire time! He usually looks down or around the room, never at people, but when I walk by, he immediately notices and keeps looking up at me until I turn around in his direction, and hes now looking down or elsewhere.

But anyways, this is just a small portion of SO much more. I really don't know what to do now because he has a girlfriend and we don't talk, but I need to know his honest feelings for me, and I'm without a doubt confident enough to let him know how much he means to me. I don't understand why he always looks at me, pays attention to me, laughs along with me, and random but, even said Happy birthday to me on my birthday! (I'm just saying this because I thought that if he WERE to be straight, he'd want nothing to do with me and would try to stay away instead of involve himself with me as much as he can without verbal communication).

What do you guys think I should do? What are your opinions on my depressing dilemma? I really took about 20 minutes to type this all out and I could go on for hours but I'm not here to publish an autobiography. I'll be happy to answer ANY ANY ANY question that you guys may have because I want to make sure everythings clear and that you guys know as much as you can about this. Please help me out, I have two months until high schools over and then we're off to different colleges... I can't let this opportunity go to waste, I know I'd regret it my entire life.

P.S. Sorry if everything sounds so immature and lovey-dovey, I'm really mature but when it comes to this stuff I'm such a mush and I try my best to not exaggerate on any detail at all.

Thank you so so so much. <3

[East]

Ahhh...young love...it isn't really about mature or immature...it is kinda like learning to walk...and then run...

From what you write...it sounds as though he is into you....BUT....it could be that he just really likes you as a friend and admires you. I have a straight friend like this. He is one of those hyper masculine guys and he pretty much does everything your friend does. The only difference is that he was once engaged to an actual Playboy Centerfold and he does love women.,...

Straight guys can get man crushes that look a lot like signs of something else...but they aren't...

I am not sure if this is the case with your friend or not..but if he is gay...he will have to figure that out on his own. If your hunch is right...and he isn't ready...it will be no different than if he was straight.

One thing you will learn along the way...timing is often everything...and the timing may be off.....

If you can hold yourself back...enjoy the ride..but keep your options open.

Probably every gay man alive has been in your shoes at one time or another....

I wish I could tell you something definitive...maybe someone else has some other insight. Good luck to you!

[Pyromancer]

Honestly...I don't think there's anything you can do...the ball is in his court, so to speak. It sounds very much like he's conflicted about his sexuality...and he has to work that out on his own. It doesn't matter what hishonest feelings about you are unless he's willing/able to act on them...I mean, if he said that he really likes you...but continued to act the way he does now...IDK to me that would feel even more frustrating. His inner conflict is the issue.

If you were able to lessen the intensity of your focus...and open yourself up to the possibility that there's someone out there who's attracted to you and willing to act on it...IDK, I'm not saying forget
him, just...be open and aware.

When I was 16, I was madly crushing on an openly gay guy on my hockey team...but since I "wasn't gay" I pretty much drove both of us crazy.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a buzzkill here...but the tone of your post...somehow, you sound more mature and sensible that the average guy with a "straight guy crush"...so I'm saying, don't lose out on maybe meeting someone else...

[MikeW]

...Sorry if everything sounds so immature and lovey-dovey, I'm really mature but when it comes to this stuff I'm such a mush and I try my best to not exaggerate on any detail at all.

What's a bit immature about all this is your 'fear' of communicating clearly with this guy. For sure, I agree with [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] and [MENTION=22470]Pyromancer[/MENTION] in everything they've said. Who knows what's going on inside another guy? We can try and read the smoke signals but why bother? Just get it out there. Find some way to get him alone with you. I don't mean anything sneaky, just ask him to go for a walk or something, w/e. Tell him you want to have a private conversation, just the two of you. Once you're together just say it flat out: "Hey, first of all, I'm very drawn to you and I can't tell where you're at about me. I'd really like to know, even if it isn't what I want to hear, just so I can either stay and hang on to some hope or move on with my own life. So, what is the deal? What's going on with you? Do you have any interest in me at all?" (Obviously say whatever is true for you... just put it out there as simply and directly as you can and ask him how he feels about it.) *DO NOT DO THIS VIA TEXT OR ANY OTHER MEANS THAN IN PERSON* << This is important. You need to be able to not only hear what he has to say and the way he says it, but to watch his body language, facial expressions and so on.

Why do this? Because, you're obsessing. I can't tell you how many times I obsessed over hetero guys when I was around your age. Some were major crushes. There are a few things about this you need to consider: One is you're making yourself kind of crazy. This is not uncommon for teens but why do it? As was said, IF (big if) he is 'in to you' in some sense of the word, he's obviously conflicted about it. That's a problem he needs to work through. You may not be able to 'help' with that at all but you *can* make where you are clear to him and give him an opening to say his truth, whatever it is. Another thing is you need to be accepting of whatever his truth is. It may be an unambiguous 'no'. It may be a slightly ambiguous 'I like you but not like that'. It may even be an honest, 'I don't really know, I feel conflicted and don't know what to do'. Whatever his response is, you need to ACCEPT IT as his truth and work from there.

I suspect you're afraid to know his truth. This can work both ways. That is, you're afraid to hear that he isn't into you the way you are into him. That would be crushing, leaving you feeling like an over inflated balloon without a pin to pop on. But trust me, if this is the case, once you 'get it' that you do not have to obsess about this guy, you'll begin to feel free to move on. As was suggested, who knows who else may be interested in you that you're totally ignoring?

That said, it can be equally terrifying to discover that he *does* have some feelings for you. Then you (both) have to deal with that, whatever they may be.

So, I understand why people avoid this kind of direct communication. But trust me, someone old enough to be your great granddad... knowing your own truth and accepting the truth of other people is the best way to have a rich and satisfying life. Fearing the truth, living in a kind of lust filled dream world that isn't reality based, is the best way to drive yourself nuts, usually ending up in unnecessary and self-destructive drama. You can take that from someone who knows from experience.

Best of luck and keep hanging out here on GS.

[Rareboy]

ah to be 17.

I could tell you how all this is going to work out but then I'd have to bury your body after.

At the moment, your crush is the immature one...and I don't mean this in a pejorative way.

He is sorting out a lot of stuff. You are part of that equation.

Will he? Or won't he?

All you can do is be around, don't put any pressure on him and be there.

But if it were me...I'd be looking for a real bf who isn't still having to figure all this shit out and creating so much drama.

[Darius]

I say you have nothing to lose by telling him honestly how you feel. It's not like you are risking a deep friendship. Either he is straight and you are misreading him or he is gay/bi but not accepting that about himself. Either way, it doesn't look good for you.

You only hope is that by being honest with him, he will deal with his own issues.

Tell him soon and stop agonizing over it and let us know how it goes.

PS It might help to show him your wiener.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Looks to me like either...

1) He's straight, and feels awkward and uncomfortable about your advances (drunken or otherwise), but really valued your friendship. Misses your friendship, etc.

or

2) He's gay or bisexual, but he's not ready to deal with it or come out concerning it (to himself, or to others). You pushing will only push him away further, in this case. If he's not ready, then he's not ready, yeah?

IF you want to discuss this with him, I would say do it SOBER and tell him how you feel. Let him know, though, that you value the friendship and MISS the friendship, and that if he doesn't feel the same way about you, it's okay and you still -want- that friendship with him.

The discussion might put the two of you in limbo, but right now it seems like you're more at the cusp of going two different ways. Limbo while he works through his issues and you keep him as a friend may be better than that, yeah?

[kevinfr23]

First of all I just want to thank everyone so so so much, [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] , [MENTION=22470]Pyromancer[/MENTION] , [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] , [MENTION=21495]Rareboy[/MENTION] , and [MENTION=21957]Darius[/MENTION], thank you!!!!!!!! I read everything and first off was just so shocked to get so many replies (long ones too!) I APPRECIATE IT DEEPLY! I'm gonna take things step by step and take it slow - I have some news for you guys and I am SO happy!

Today in my Economics class my friend who sits in between me and the guy I like was absent so we had to do a 1 on 1 project today and we could pick whoever we wanted, and I somehow picked my balls up and asked him "Hey, do you wanna work together?" and at first he said "What?" (because hes sometimes a dunce like he says what a lot) but then after I asked again and he said "Sure" AND I WAS SO HAPPY!!! He went up to my teacher to get us looseleaf and when she asked him who I'm working with, he said my name and my face brightened up ahha. So anyways we just went over the questions together and laughed a lot in between cause some of the answers were silly and stuff so it was really cute and all. We looked at each other a lot and whenever we like stopped looking at each other we were looking down because to be honest, I could feel that we were both a little nervous. We talked about college, SATs, and just a few other things but thank god he never mentioned his girlfriend or anything having to do with her, that really would've set like a boundary between us and I would've sensed like a barrier but thankfully he didn't mention that witch. haha jk but whatever. But anyways it was all nice, at one point my face was all red because I fell asleep during the class before and I asked him if my face was all red and bruised and he was just smiling and laughing and said "yeah it is". I could not stop looking at him guys hes so beautiful. When we looked DIRECTLY into each others eyes I died on the inside because hes perfect. (he has super ice blue eyes and I have light green eyes!!!!!!!) But yeah anyways at the end of class I wanted to say bye but the bell rang and he already left without us exchanging byes or anything . That kinda upset me but so much progress happened that I wasn't even phased by that compared to everything else that happened...

I don't know what to do next! I think I'll just be all friendly and talk to him more and get back to the friendship that we had but I want to wait a little until I ask him to talk with me because I need that moment of maturity and honesty where I can spill everything out and hopefully get the response I'm expecting from him (but I'm not gonna keep my hopes up too high because again, I don't want to end up being even more depressed and he still has a girlfriend so I'm not gonna expect him to completely change his life for me.)

I agree with lots of what everyone said without a doubt, but I wish I could show you guys his body language, the way he speaks, just everything because its hard to describe on here. I truly think hes deeeeeeep in the closet and I'm maybe one of the first guys hes interested (I'd think so considering that he has his eyes on me like a hawk and always laughs at everything I say etc etc.) OH But I have to say, I don't think that he admires me as a friend because I have to admit, without being cocky or arrogant, I do have very good looks but i TRULY believe that he has just as good if not better looks, so theres nothing for him to admire too much about me. Actually thats a lie and I'm not giving myself enough credit in order not to sound cocky but I know I'm too good for him, but that doesn't even matter. When my friends tell me that I should just get over him because I'm out of his league, that kind of upsets me because I don't care about that and I'm willing to be with someone that I like and that I appreciate despite our "league differences", whatever.

So yeah I'll update you guys on every single little thing but I'll be taking it step by step. please continue being good to me and helping me out, I appreciate it sooooo much! I hope that this goes well I'll be happy for a good 90 years and then we'll see how I feel after that but yeah! Have a good day and thank u so much guys! stay in touch!!!!!!

[meridannight]

..........

you are really going backwards here. i.e. you're overthinking it. it's part of being young, and not having had enough experience, but still....

stop trying to interpret the way he looks at you or other people, stop reading stuff into tiniest of things. they don't usually mean anything outside of context, and you might not always know the context to arrive at correct interpretation. just make a definitive move on the guy, like kiss him or initiate sexual contact (drunken phone calls and random texting doesn't count as a definitive move). period. if he reacts positively, that's good. if he reacts negatively, you're not gonna get anywhere with him one way or another, which means you'll have to forget about it and just keep him as a friend.

it boils down to such elegant simplicity.



a word of advice: talking will most always make a mess of things, where explicit physical contact clarifies them. a physical move beats talking any time of day. you gotta learn the nuances about that. how to do it, when to do it, where to do it. that's a ''knowledge''/skill worth learning in life.

[Rareboy]

^ I have to agree with this.

Instead of trying to analyze every single little look and gesture....why not just be natural and enjoy friendship?