Seeking Advice Regarding Medication Side-Effects

[Watermark]

Because it seems that talking doesn't work and he lives in denial you need to start thinking about yourself and what kind of future you want. It may sound harsh but you only have one life and there's only so much you can take. If he throws all your efforts to help right back at your face there's little you can do.

[East]

(((Beaux)))....I had to tape my roommate once to show her what her other personality did. It was scary when the "angry man" came out of her and she also would not acknowledge it. She never would address it and I just had to stop dealing with her. The "friendly personality" no longer tricked me....

Did you ever notice a "different personality" somewhere along the line? Maybe not as violent but just "different". I found a lot out about MPD thanks to my roommate and what I concluded is that whenever she had stress or something triggered her...she went into her personality....it was predictable. First came the friendly one...then the victim...then the angry man. When the friendly one came back around...she insisted that she had no idea what I was talking about...

Her angry man personality basically revealed itself because in her rage...everything she said about other people was what she thought about herself. When you said what he yelled at you...it reminded me of her.

I wanted to put that out there just in case...but I think what you are dealing with is different and is the side effects of the drug and this is a very serious side effect.

The problem is...with his denial...it seems he has no idea what he is doing or what kind of person he becomes. Do you feel comfortable taping him so you can show him? Do you have any idea how he would react if he saw it? I am not sure this is the best approach so I would ask a trained therapist...I was afraid the tape might trigger my roommate to become violent but she just went silent....

The thing is...IF he could handle seeing himself...it might do the trick. The problem is if it is too much for him to handle....

In the past..did he ever have this violent side to his personality? I wonder if the stress/guilt/shame/medical complications/ect took a toll on him mentally and not coming to terms with it had a bad effect on him? Could it be a mix or the side effects of the drug and his personality? Dealing with any disease can bring up feelings of rage that might also contribute to his state of mind...

Another thing..can you do the research on other drugs that are similar and might serve as a replacement for the one he is on?

Is he the type of guy who has "moments" where he is open to communication?...where you can get through to him?

I am not sure of the complications of HIV but is there a chance he could have a lesion or a tumor on his brain from that,,,or something else? That could also compound the problem....

In the meantime...you need a safe place...or a safe room....it that a possibility? If not...you need a plan and you need to prepare yourself. I absolutely understand not having the fear of him hitting you but being more afraid of the emotional outbursts. Looking in the face of rage is so frightening. I have seen it. The thing is...he may not be able to control himself as it escalates and you need to take care of yourself. Maybe get some police strength mace so you have the chance to escape in the moment? ...something that will buy you enough time to get away?

One more thing...with his health results....is there any way you can find the results by taking some of his blood and getting the test yourself? I don't know much about what it takes to get the detailed results you need but if there is a chance that blood will do it...maybe try that?

Please do one thing though...make sure you have some kind of plan in case he becomes violent.

I love you Beaux...I know you want to take care of him....but please remember to take care of yourself ((()))...

[Bricg1970]

My experience with my Ex seems this outbursts of rage are product of something else out of his control, he can't be blamed it's hard but you need also to protect yourself psychologically and physically, perhaps interactions with his medication, therapy or counselling can of great help. Apart from that maybe it would be nice to explore mood stabilizers, you didnt said if he is taking any antipsychotic, I can't imagine how difficult can be, wish all the best

[Bhp91126]

My life is so boring compared to this. after making it all about me again here are some of my thoughts regarding your hubby

My favorite suggestion are Ljays and Easts talking to his HIV-doc and possibly recording him when he goes ballistic.
Do you think he is in denial about these episodes or does he really not remember anything? Have you been with him when he calms down?
Seems like your husband is a handful even in normal times with his inability to compromise or to be reasoned with. No wonder you guys were seeing a counselor. If you can, twist his arm so he comes with you again.

It's terrible that your counselor didn't believe you until he witnessed the behavior himself, ask him if he would confirm your story, should you decide to talk to hubby's Hiv-doc and he doesn't believe you either.

Do you immediately forgive him after his episodes, or do you give him the silent treatment for a while? Maybe he will start to acknowledge his issues, when he has to suffer some consequences.
Maybe you could invest in some pepper spray to use if he has one of his episodes (my other ideas were a cattle-prod or a taser, but they are probably too expensive)
Is calling the cops on him during one of his episodes an option?

Please keep yourself safe and sane.

[Camfer]

Maybe you should ask your BF to accompany you on one of your appointments, and make it soon. Then in the appointment bring your notes and lay it all out about him and his behavior. I agree a recording of an incident might be just what you need to convey the seriousness of the situation.

You could also contact a local domestic violence organization so you understand what resources are available to you should you ever need them. You need to educate yourself because you are in unfamiliar territory.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

[MikeW]

Yeah, really sorry you're dealing with this [MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION] , as if you didn't have enough to deal with already! But you've been given some good advice in this thread. I have nothing to add.

[jaymann2004]

I want to start of by saying that I am sorry that you are in this kind of situation. I have never dealt personally with a loved with AIDs however, I have been the person who decided when to stop life support for 2 family members so I know what this can feel like. In case you do not read my profile I am new to this forum, I live in South Carolina (the Upstate), and I am a licensed psychologist. I also have my LPN license as a nurse and I have worked in the hospital for years before moving to psychology. In regards to your partners outburst of anger it sounds like this anger is coming from many places. Do you know how he was infected? What his life was like while the two of you were not together? I ask because part of his anger could be that the relationship ended, he contracted HIV, you did not, and now you are back in a relationship and he is harboring a lot of blame and anger towards you because he feels that if you had never left or if the relationship had not have ended then he would not have HIV. The anger could also be coming from frustration of not being in control of things which is where the OCD is coming in to play in my opinion and I think that is why he is withholding information from you about the seriousness of his disease because he can control how he dies and how quickly he dies.

I hate to lay it out so blunt like that but I see this kind of behavior all of the time and I counsel people about it all of the time. When we know someone we love is sick we often overlook in your face signs and explanations for why they act the way they do because when a person is sick and/or dying we put them before ourselves. We want to do nothing but help them and to see good in them, to see them happy, and we are more than willing to forgive behavior that we normally would never allow. We make excuses for them not blaming you but I am trying to give you a better perspective on things.

Now on the medication (Atripila) side of things I can say that it is essentially the “cocktail” as it is called 3 drugs put into 1 pill with the theory being that it will lessen the side effects experienced by a person, and will actually help with their mood because they are less stressed than they would be trying to manage dosing of 3 or more individual medications multiple times per day as well as spending thousands of dollars a month to do it. Without knowing his medical history, the other medications that he may be taking, etc, I cannot be as specific as I could be with assessment BUT I have attached a copy of the package insert for medical professionals which shows that Atripila is associated with many adverse side effects mainly depression in around 10% of those taking the drug. Now that does not mean that it is the drug making a person depressed it could be the very reality of knowing that they have a disease that more than likely will eventually cause their demise. I also want to be clear that there is a huge difference between depression and the kind of violent outbursts that you have described.

One of the three drugs in Atripila is Efavirenz which has been associated with episodes of violent outbursts however, it is very rare and only occurred in 0.4% of the people taking the drug. Depression is much more common at 2.5% with some studies showing up to 9%. It also has a common side effect of causing increased vivid dreams usually disturbing dreams or nightmares as well as increasing the anxiety levels of a person. So as you can see his issues are multiple and these episodes could be for so many reasons. The only way to figure it out is to get him to open up either to you or to a counselor so that the truth that can be told. Otherwise, all that can be is speculate about what could be causing his behavior which could be so many things.

As far as the positive THC test goes Atripila does NOT bind to cannabinoid receptors in the brain and the official statements as to whether Atripila will cause a false positive on a drug screen are no however, that answer of no is coming from the drug manufacturer whose job it is to sell as much of the medication as possible. You made a good choice in stating that you wanted it tested at a lab so that it can be shown that he has not been using THC which will make his case for a false positive due to Atripila much more easy to accept by his employer. He will need to speak with a certain person usually in HR at the company he works for most companies have one dedicated person to handling these types of sensitive issues due to the fact that his privacy is at stake here, the Americans with Disabilities Act comes into play, along with HIPPA, so there should be a corporate officer that he can get into contact with to handle and mitigate this situation.

I hope that I have given you some information that will be helpful and that I have not overwhelmed you with to much information. If you have any questions or if you would like my help please contact me I would love to be of service. That is why I am in the field that I am in I want to help people. I have been that way since 5 or 6 years old. I hope that you both are well and that this reply to your post truly helps.

[Beaux]

Thank you, Everyone, for your comments, suggestions and support. I think that, more than anything, I just needed to be *heard* when I started this thread and I cannot express my gratitude at your quick responses and concern.

Though I tend to keep things to myself for the most part, even I have to admit that my marriage has become more than challenging these past few years. It took me a lot longer than I would have expected to accept that these issues are not singularly my fault and therefore not something I can handle myself. Telling my family about what has been going on was almost as difficult as coming out to them was all those years ago. There is a tremendous amount of shame and guilt that comes along with having to deal with a spouse who is slowly becoming emotionally unbalanced, whatever the cause.

To address questions, such as [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] asked, I do believe that he is aware of what has occured after the fact, but I believe he is too embarassed to admit it. One of the things that attracted me to him in the first place was his confidence and competence. My husband was a Marine, a scholar, he graduated with honors as an Engineer and is a ranking official with the Department of Defense. Have I considered calling the police? Of course, I have HAD to consider it, but if I did it would ultimately result in him losing his job...of course, I fear that eventually he will display this behavior in the work place and lose his job anyway....

I truely think that the real problem is that he is "too proud". Too proud to admit that he is losing control of his own emotions, too proud to seek out help for it, too proud to admit (even to me) where his T-Cell counts are at. For over 2 years he has been refered to a Neurologist by our family doctor and he refuses to go.

I have come SO close to leaving him....but I still love him and he stood by me when I became disabled. He took care of me that first year when I was completely bedridden without ever uttering a single complaint. I just can't bring myself to abandon him now....even though it often seems like he is pushing me to leave....

Love you guys,
~Beaux

[MikeW]

...I truely think that the real problem is that he is "too proud". Too proud to admit that he is losing control of his own emotions, too proud to seek out help for it, too proud to admit (even to me) where his T-Cell counts are at. For over 2 years he has been refered to a Neurologist by our family doctor and he refuses to go....

Ok, ok, but has he considered how he's going to feel if he ends up harming you physically? I can understand someone having a strong ego, sense of honor, integrity, self-reliance and so forth -- all these are good, noble and responsible qualities. However, the fact is we can NOT face life completely alone. We all NEED other people in various ways.

In this case, if your original concern (side effects) is right, this isn't about HIS (personal) "loosing control". He is under the influence of a drug, a medication, which MAY be causing side effects that are threatening not only your well being but his own and the wellbeing of the relationship. But even if it isn't the medication but something else, a symptom of something going on neurologically for example, this is also out of his control.

The way I see this kind of thing is that many Alpha types are TERRIFIED of discovering the true limits of their control. Their whole persona, sense of self and self-worth, is centered around the idea of being "in control" of themselves and their world. They are "the rock in the storm." If I'm right about this (I may not be) he may think he is protecting you by keeping the truth (of his T count, for example) from you.

Beneath that, though, discovering that they are NOT in control of everything, leaves them feeling vulnerable << That's actually an understatement. It's like facing an abyss of infinite nothingness. (Not just the end of one's self but of everything.) And, in a sense, there is some truth to this. It "weakens" them, it makes them vulnerable, it transfers the center of "power" outside themselves. Suddenly it is something or someone else who is determining the outcome. For Alpha types, that right there is failure.

So, what to do?

I'm a strong believer that we can't rally change other people. On some level they have to *want* to change, to (first) recognize and (second) face their own 'demons'. On the other hand I do believe how we see and understand an other, especially in close relationships, can have a tremendous impact on how they see themselves.

So, from what you've said, you've started to see and experience your partner as a potential threat. Not HIM, exactly, but whatever is going on in him that is causing him to loose control. If I'm right (I may not be) it may be helpful to look at this situation differently. That's not to dismiss your genuine concern. It's like you're dealing with a ticking time bomb here. How to defuse it? Can you look beneath the surface and discover what is making him 'tick'?

To my mind "pride" is just a cover for self-doubt and fear and, again, those words hardly do it justice. At the core its absolute terror. It says, "I must not ever allow myself to feel vulnerable or to need anyone's help." It is a HUGE step for people who think/feel this way to realize that WE ARE ALL INTERDEPENDENT; to realize that strength is NOT (merely) an *individual* virtue; to see that the only way to face the absolute void of nothingness is through opening and sharing rather than drawing inward and soldiering on.

Again, I'm basing all this on what I've understood of what you've said. What his truth actually is, only he can know.

[Bookworm]

Beaux, life really is throwing everything at you right now! I can't really add to all the great advice the guys have given you but I can relate to the psychological effect this must be having on you. I know what it's like to share a house with someone who appears lucid one minute and then goes through a complete change the next. The constant sense of unease and apprehension when around them can be truly draining on all levels, and will have a detrimental effect on your own well being. I know you have your own health issues that your battling right now.

I really hope you can persuade him along to a Doctor's visit with you. From what you've said of his character, he may well be too proud but there will have to come a point where he'll need to swallow that pride and seek the help that he needs and I hope he comes to that realization soon. You're probably the only one who can reach him and press the right buttons to get him there.

I hope things work out Beaux x