Getting Help

[Anonymous]

When I was between the ages of five and ten I was befriended by my next door neighbor who was a very friendly man and was very good making friends with boys my age and younger and it wouldn't be until my freshman year in high school that I realized the true word for him was a pedophile. He started to touch me sexually when I was five and I would wander the neighborhood because back then parents just let there kids do whatever they wanted and what not. Between the ages of five and ten he would end up doing everything imaginable with me sexually and when I started to grow pubic hair he pretty much ended it and told me we couldn't play games anymore cause I was too old for him even though I was just ten when it stopped.

I really thought that I loved him and would see him with other boys that were younger than me and I was so jealous. When I was eighteen I fell in love with a younger boy who was eight and I was so drawn to him and I realized that I was just like my neighbor and I felt sick to my stomach and I ended all contact with the boy. We never did anything but I still felt so much love for him. After college I came to the conclusion that I was a pedophile but I suppressed it for many years and did nothing about it. I dated men and had relationships that lasted long amounts of time but I never told my lovers and just looked at boys from afar.

I found out later that the man who molested me had been sentenced to life in prison for his sex crimes against boys and I never wanted to act out on my pedophilia so I started recently seeing a therapist and my therapist told me flat out that pedophilia is incurable and that made me sick to my stomach. The therapist said that they can help me maintain my feelings and not act out sexually with boys but that's it. I am not sure if I was born a pedophile just like being born gay but it hurts and is so painful to be this way.

I am sure I will be looked down upon like I am a disease and that I should kill myself which I have tried because of this infliction but it hasn't happened yet. I just feel like I am the scum of the earth even though I have never acted on my desires.

[Lexington]

Welcome (presumably) to EC!

I don't know if I agree with your therapist's comments that pedophilia is "incurable". Especially since it sounds like your pedophilic tendencies have been "learned", in a way. It sounds like this older guy groomed you into a pedophilic relationship, and perhaps you have sort of idealized it in a way. He ended it suddenly, and you missed it, and perhaps your pedophilic tendencies are a way to return to that (idealized) relationship that you had.

I can't speak for everybody here, but I don't look down on you for your pedophilic thoughts. Most of the time, we judge people not by their thoughts but by their actions. I might think about ramming that car in front of me that cut me off, but I didn't...so it's all OK. Similarly, you're keeping your tendencies in check, because you know it's wrong.

I know there are specific therapies out there for people who developed pedophilic tendencies in the way you did - via being the victim of pedophilia themselves. Have you done any research on that? Perhaps you can find a therapist that's a bit more willing to dig into your past, go back over your relationship with this guy, and hopefully get you to a place where you view it as an unfortunate thing that happened to you rather than an idealized sexual relationship.

Lex

[meridannight]

i have a question for you. it's a serious inquiry, since i really just don't understand this at all: what the hell is attractive about boys as young as 8 years old?

whether you were born that way or not, whether you control it or not, you still have to be attracted to some certain factors/qualities in a person in order to feel attraction. kids are yucky, immature annoying brats. and they look awful. what the hell do you find attractive there?

[Pyromancer]

I don't look down on you. I give you credit for having the strength to refrain from acting on these impulses.

I know that the current school of thought in the mental health community is that pedophilia isn't curable because it's considered a sexual preference...just like gay isn't curable. However, in your case...you say that you've had successful age appropriate relationships...which isn't typical of pedophiles.

I think that you need to stop with the scum of the earth and scourge of the universe labels. Concentrate on your strengths instead of your weaknesses. You've never acted on your impulses.

I also think you need to let go of the "searching for a cure" mentality and concentrate on finding treatment that lessens the impulses and the pain you're obviously going through.

I'm sure that it has been and will continue to be an uphill battle, but you've stayed strong. Look for therapies that will that will make that easier. And don't be afraid to continue to post here and share your struggles...sometimes just venting can help...

[East]

Hmmmm....

You say that you thought you loved him and you were jealous of the other boys...

Can you remember back to the beginning with him? I bet you didn't
"love him" then....not at all....you were 'trained" and brainwashed to believe you loved him....

He damn sure didn't love you...and what you felt isn't love. THIS is where you have to start healing yourself. You believe a bunch of lies....you have to tell yourself the truth about them. Perhaps it was the attention you loved?

My hunch...you were young...and he picked you very carefully. Predatory people of all stripes (molesters/rapists/stalkers) know who to pick. The motivation with all of them is the same...POWER AND CONTROL!

So...go back to the beginning and take back both of them.

[matty7]

well brave of you to open up - im not qualified to judge or help really ....you were abused and that changed your love map ( I watch criminal minds tv show) they talk about that a lot - he got life for what he did to you and others - guess you got life too ...keep with therapy and be strong I guess

[Borg69]

Shouldn't your attractions be towards older men since that's what you say your first attractions were towards?

[Anonymous]

One poster asked me the OP what I find attractive in a young boy and there are so many things about young boys that I find fascinating and amazing. I am drawn to young boys because they are everything that an adult isn't. I am drawn to young boys bodies and undeveloped bodies. Its really hard to explain why I am this way or why I do have the desires that I do but I do have those feelings towards young boys. They are not annoying brats to me at all and I find them to be quite amazing in all honesty.

Another poster asked why I am not attracted to older men and the simple answer is that I am not and I am not sure why I am not attracted to them just like I am not attracted to twink guys over 18 at all either, I like boys that are between 5 and 12 mostly and once they do go through puberty then I am not that interested and I am not sure if I inherited that trait from the Pedophile that sexually abused me or not. I just am that way.

[Lexington]

...they are everything that an adult isn't.

This may be worth exploring more thoroughly.

Lex

[Wardo94]

OP. I've dealt with this personally with an old friend of mine who has had the same problem. If you feel like you would like to speak more about it, I'm open to lending an ear and helping out as much as I can.