Stuck and still struggling with myself

[Barefoot]

I don't know whether I need advice, maybe. I posted here cuz I don''t know where else to put this and I think I just want to say it perhaps. I guess I'm confused but I'm not even sure about that. How to begin.. I've been alone most of my life and a while ago I decided to try to find a partner. I figured I'd also go for some hookups if I could find any in the meantime. It all seemed good at the time. I still haven't gotten out to meet anyone, it's still not very warm here and I planned to wait until warmer weather which hasn't arrived yet. So I've been messing around online (still) which has given me time to second guess myself (I'm not sure how to state that accurately or whether I did). So I did manage to find guys interested in hooking up with me but before that happened I brushed them off, one by one in various ways. One guy was really intent on getting together with me and that bugged me and I got pissed and started throwing excuses at him. I wasn't particularly interested in him anyway to begin with and he more or less invited himself after I hinted that I wasn't. I guess I'm wondering whether I can even get into a relationship and if I do, whether I can hold onto one. This isn't new; I've been wondering the same things off and on for years; all of my life and I'm old enough now that I'm running out of time if I'm ever going to. I've lived most of my life alone, and I sort of think I'd like to not finish my life that way. Then I start weighing the pros and cons and I'm not sure. I've been doing this for years now. I don't know where I'm at with this. It's like, if I decide to go ahead, will I find someone, after not finding anyone in all this time? And if I do find someone, will I ruin it somehow like I've ruined chances with people before? Once in it, will I like it? Will I be happy? Will I miss my freedom and privacy? Have I been alone so long that I can't adjust or won't like having to adjust? Am I "not meant" to be with anyone? If I am wouldn't I be by now? These are some of the questions that race around my head. I have plans to go to some places through the summer where I will be meeting lots of gay men. I've found some good places to go that aren't bars and are within traveling distance. Nice, private resort type places where summertime activities take place and only gay men are there. I will be going, anyway, because it will be fun and something to do and a chance to get away. I'm just not sure about these questions in my mind. I'm not even sure whether they are primarily what bothers me or if there's something else. It all seems to somehow be tied in with my being alone for so many years but I can't pinpoint it. Maybe I'm worried about nothing, just the unknown, could that be it?

[Cridders88]

I think you are overthinking things here Barefoot. Unfortunately I have a habit of doing the same quite often. Easier said than done, but you've got to try and stop putting so much pressure on yourself. These Summertime resorts you have planned sound like a really good idea, meeting other gay people in a much more relaxed environment, with none of the pressure you get from attempting to meet people online, which is something I find difficult too because I'm quite an anxious and shy person. You won't know what you will be like in a relationship until you experience it, but try and not put pressure on yourself to find one, get out there and meet new people and see where things go

[Barefoot]

Thank you. I've been told many times that I'm too analytical and I needed to be reminded of that. It comes handy when used properly but not so much when I turn it inward to myself. Yes the gay resort should be nice. There are private and communal hot tubs and saunas, a communal swimming pool and an outdoor tanning area. The best part perhaps is that it's clothing optional. I hear no one wears any after their first visit. I'm just waiting for warmer days.

[yousir]

Id love to try something like that, [MENTION=22525]Barefoot[/MENTION]. Could be awesome. But only if it is more friendly and welcoming than most of the people in Heaven in London. Heaven does not seem to attract the nicest of people. Kinda put me off the scene and I am now feeling like I am not really bothered about being part of the gay "community". Not even sure if there really is a "community". It is an illusion. But right now, Heaven is the only connection to the gay scene I have at the moment.

BTW [MENTION=22727]Cridders88[/MENTION] - some people find shyness cute and appealing

[Barefoot]

I haven't been to it yet but I hear it's great. The man who owns and runs it keeps things happy and peaceful they say.

[Radbot42]

If you do decode to be in a relationship, I'd recommend telling the guy you will be with that this is all new to you and that you're not used to being a private guy, and that certain things might be hard for you to do or adjust to.

[Cridders88]

BTW [MENTION=22727]Cridders88[/MENTION] - some people find shyness cute and appealing

Ah thanks, but I get so shy and anxious when meeting new people I can't come across as cute, more like a weirdo lol. I'm ok in a group situation, which is why I'd love to try something like a gay resort, it would be a so much more relaxed environment to meet new people. I get so nervous the rare times I have actually gone through with meeting someone 1 on 1 from Tinder or other dating apps, that I physically feel sick. Hate my mind sometimes!

[yousir]

Ah thanks, but I get so shy and anxious when meeting new people I can't come across as cute, more like a weirdo lol. I'm ok in a group situation, which is why I'd love to try something like a gay resort, it would be a so much more relaxed environment to meet new people. I get so nervous the rare times I have actually gone through with meeting someone 1 on 1 from Tinder or other dating apps, that I physically feel sick. Hate my mind sometimes!

It is horrible, eh?
A tough one.
I know #DemFeels .

So what happens when you HAVE actually met someone? How do you act? And how do they respond?

[longhardlife]

After reading your story I'm curious. How long have you been alone? I'm kind of hearing there may have been hurt or fear of being hurt. Could this have something to do with it. I know firsthand, you have to let go and live or at least die trying.

I don't know whether I need advice, maybe. I posted here cuz I don''t know where else to put this and I think I just want to say it perhaps. I guess I'm confused but I'm not even sure about that. How to begin.. I've been alone most of my life and a while ago I decided to try to find a partner. I figured I'd also go for some hookups if I could find any in the meantime. It all seemed good at the time. I still haven't gotten out to meet anyone, it's still not very warm here and I planned to wait until warmer weather which hasn't arrived yet. So I've been messing around online (still) which has given me time to second guess myself (I'm not sure how to state that accurately or whether I did). So I did manage to find guys interested in hooking up with me but before that happened I brushed them off, one by one in various ways. One guy was really intent on getting together with me and that bugged me and I got pissed and started throwing excuses at him. I wasn't particularly interested in him anyway to begin with and he more or less invited himself after I hinted that I wasn't. I guess I'm wondering whether I can even get into a relationship and if I do, whether I can hold onto one. This isn't new; I've been wondering the same things off and on for years; all of my life and I'm old enough now that I'm running out of time if I'm ever going to. I've lived most of my life alone, and I sort of think I'd like to not finish my life that way. Then I start weighing the pros and cons and I'm not sure. I've been doing this for years now. I don't know where I'm at with this. It's like, if I decide to go ahead, will I find someone, after not finding anyone in all this time? And if I do find someone, will I ruin it somehow like I've ruined chances with people before? Once in it, will I like it? Will I be happy? Will I miss my freedom and privacy? Have I been alone so long that I can't adjust or won't like having to adjust? Am I "not meant" to be with anyone? If I am wouldn't I be by now? These are some of the questions that race around my head. I have plans to go to some places through the summer where I will be meeting lots of gay men. I've found some good places to go that aren't bars and are within traveling distance. Nice, private resort type places where summertime activities take place and only gay men are there. I will be going, anyway, because it will be fun and something to do and a chance to get away. I'm just not sure about these questions in my mind. I'm not even sure whether they are primarily what bothers me or if there's something else. It all seems to somehow be tied in with my being alone for so many years but I can't pinpoint it. Maybe I'm worried about nothing, just the unknown, could that be it?

[MikeW]

I don't know whether I need advice, maybe.... I'm just not sure about these questions in my mind. I'm not even sure whether they are primarily what bothers me or if there's something else. It all seems to somehow be tied in with my being alone for so many years but I can't pinpoint it. Maybe I'm worried about nothing, just the unknown, could that be it?

Sounds like you're ambivalent at best, uncertain what you really want. Generally, so long as one stays in that "I don't know what I really want" state, one simply gets more of what one already has.

If you want something *different* from what you have then, yeah, you have to WANT it and know you want it, and want it enough that you're willing to CHANGE so you can have it. I can't really say but I think if I felt as uncertain about myself, my wants, my motives and so on as you say you do, I'd be talking with a therapist about it. How is it I keep myself stuck in a quandary? Why do I do that? What do I get out of it? I'd be asking questions like that in the presence of a qualified, objective, professional. Perhaps he/she could help me find my way through my own labyrinth to the underlying emotions that are keeping me tied up in knots.