Struggling to figure myself and my needs out

[ZackT]

Hi, it's been a real long time since I've posted anything about myself here. I'm struggling these days, trying to figure out what it is I truly want and need to do.

So, I got married last year in March, had our son in May. I've been dealing with a strong depression since then, it comes and goes (this is a pattern over several years, but this last bout got real strong). I became more and more obsessed with things that weren't healthy for our marriage. Couldn't stop thinking about my ex girlfriend, couldnt stop thinking about wanting to finally have sex with a man, and it was driving me insane - couldn't have these things, felt ashamed and awful for thinking these things while in a dedicated monogamous relationship with the wonderful lady who gave me a son, and it eventually made me turn her into a villain in my mind.

My summertime, like August, I was blaming her for everything in my head. Every little annoyance became a big deal in my mind, all the things I wanted to do and couldn't do were her holding me back, I kept finding her annoying, insecure, didn't want anything to do with her hardly at all.

This has happened before, twice - me making her the villain like this, I mean. I broke up with her twice in the past, but we quickly got back together both times.

I started thinking more and more about how I could indulge myself in trying these things, my fantasies, with both men and women...how easy it could be due to my new job and the ability to take paid time off.

These feelings kinda went up and down, but mostly up, until sometime late October/early November, something in me snapped and I just decided it'd be ok if I cheated on her, if I lied to her for the rest of our lives. I could try and lead a double life and just engage in these desires on the side whenever opportunity presented itself.

So, I made some accounts on websites to look for people. OkCupid and Fetlife specifically. Shortly found a guy on Fetlife that I was in to both physically and personality, and the timing worked out for us to do something just a few days later, on Veterans Day. I had a paid day off while my wife didn't, and he also happened to be off.

Went over to his place, had sex once. Was originally planning for numerous times, but he was having an infected tooth problem and the pain overwhelmed him (I sympathized because I've had the same problem).

I ended up telling my wife later that day what I had done, and had the intention of ending things. We talked for awhile, I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore. I then had my trunk packed and ended up in a hotel room. Saw the guy again a few days later, had sex again. Only once again unfortunately, the pain medication he was on made his member not cooperate all the way...

My wife tried really hard to get me back. She forgave me, much to both of our surprises. I made a deal with her and said in clear terms that we'd try to fix this even though I didn't see how we'd ever come back from it. I said I'd try therapy to help with my addictive and obsessive nature, I'd be willing to do couples therapy, see pastor at my sisters church, whatever we do to give it everything we have.

So that's what we've been doing the last couple months. I've tried to help rebuild trust, I deleted my fetlife and okcupid accounts, blocked the guy from my phone, deleted ex girlfriend from everything, trying not to look at porn or masturbate, trying to be in control. But I keep messing up, and even when im not, I've been lying to my wife for years and things keep coming up as I try to be honest that just wedge us further apart.

And now I can't stop thinking about simply being with a man. Sex was the craze for awhile and still can be, but she asked me "do you think you're just gay and are with me so you don't have to admit that to your family?" And I said no, of course. I truthfully don't think I'm totally gay or totally straight, hence bisexual. Both sexes are attractive to me. However, I don't treat women the way they deserve to be treated in a relationship.

I'm all for equal rights on everything. Freedom of choice for abortion, equal pay, women in all branches of military, and I respect female professionals just as much as male - but when I'm in a relationship, I just take on a stereotypical male role and I don't consciously think about it, but I do - I sorta just expect her to do household things and it took a lot of training for me to help out even with whatever I do.

I love my wife, but I haven't ever felt sure I love her like she deserves, like she loves me. She is so caring, so generous, so considerate, so giving, and genuinely gives a crap about all the stupid shit I'll talk about because I enjoy it and she likes that. But I just can't seem to give her the same level of that back, sometimes not even at all. I can find it a chore to listen to her, I can't think of anything new or fun to say or do together, I don't even want to really - I want to be by myself or who knows, maybe with someone else.

So I've been trying to figure out, do I really want to end my marriage? Even if it is the right thing, it's so painful, and I lose my son. He's 8 months old tomorrow, and I love him so fucking much, and I'm his favorite person in the world right now. It breaks my heart to think of him being taken out of state away from me, makes me want to just grit my teeth and try and maybe take it and it'll get better or just endure it to stay a constant presence in his life, but I dont think I can. I'm already starting to think "well I cheated once, I know how, I know how easy it could be and how better to keep it secret" and that scares me. I don't want to cheat again. I don't want that to be how this ends, because it's gonna hurt us both enough if it ends. I don't want that to be the reason.

But it genuinely excites me to the core to think about a life with a man. Sexually it very excites me...very differently than my wife does. I still find her sexually attractive and sex with her is familiar and fun and great, but sex with a man was so...it just felt right. Not that sex with women feels wrong, but mentally it was so much more satisfying to be with a man.

So I don't know. I feel like I might just be ultimately primarily gay. But I don't know. I hate making such huge decisions.

[ZackT]

Holy crap that came out long. I was trying not to make it a novel, but it is. Sorry guys.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

May I ask why you didn't 'experiment' with these urges before you were married?

Did you get married in the hope of 'curing' your gay urges?

I ask because I've kind of been in the same boat. In the end living the whole double life thing just became to much and I started down a self destructive path, both personally and for my relationship (we were married 14 years)

The only way to save my sanity was to come out to myself and accept my sexuality, then some 6 months later came out to my wife.

My wife was very understanding, I wanted to 'do the right thing' She forgave me, we had couples counciling etc. it was only later I found out she only went through these things because of the kids. She didn't want to face up to the uncertainty of being a single mum.

We maintained the pretence of all being well for about 3 months and I just lost the plot. I moved out.

That was 12 years ago and I've not looked back. We got divorced after 3 years, I've been partnered twice since, and she is now one of my closest friends.

You have to stop being the man other people want you to be, and start being the man you are. Not to do that will be destructive not only for you, but for her and your son.

It's not going to be easy, and you may loose friends and family along the way, but it's the only way to work this out.

[ShiftyNJ]

Wow. That is tough.

I guess a lot of this also depends on your wife. How important is staying together to her, and what is she willing to sacrifice? A sex life? Trust? Actual companionship? You make it sound as if being around her, despite everything she's done and the amount of forgiveness she's extended, is a chore. From here, it is hard to see why she's leaving this up to you.

On the other hand, you have a kid. It is not helpful to ask why - when you clearly have had these doubts for some time - you went ahead and had a kid together, so I won't, but regardless now there is a third person in this equation whose needs have to be met. Why do you think your wife would move out of state and take your son if you two were to split? How financially positioned are you to possibly pay for their living expenses as well as your own, in two different places?

I keep going back to this:

"I love my wife, but I haven't ever felt sure I love her like she deserves, like she loves me. She is so caring, so generous, so considerate, so giving, and genuinely gives a crap about all the stupid shit I'll talk about because I enjoy it and she likes that. But I just can't seem to give her the same level of that back, sometimes not even at all. I can find it a chore to listen to her, I can't think of anything new or fun to say or do together, I don't even want to really - I want to be by myself or who knows, maybe with someone else."

If that is how you really feel, as opposed to just getting irritated with her because her presence reminds you of the noise in your head around your orientation, then if you love her at all, it would seem from where I sit that you would want to give her the opportunity who appreciates her and will love her back in kind. I think if you ask most people whose parents "stayed together for the kids" they were not unaware of their parents' relationship, or lack thereof. You son will be as well.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh, I just think you have some tough choices ahead and there's a good possibility you are going to have to own up to the choices you made and make a decision based on what will be best for them vs. yourself.

[TwisttheLeaf]

If that is how you really feel, as opposed to just getting irritated with her because her presence reminds you of the noise in your head around your orientation, then if you love her at all, it would seem from where I sit that you would want to give her the opportunity who appreciates her and will love her back in kind. I think if you ask most people whose parents "stayed together for the kids" they were not unaware of their parents' relationship, or lack thereof. You son will be as well.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh, I just think you have some tough choices ahead and there's a good possibility you are going to have to own up to the choices you made and make a decision based on what will be best for them vs. yourself.

^^ This

Honestly? I feel bad for your wife, man. She has done -nothing- wrong, not even the falling in love with you part, because you were a full participant in that stage as well. You're jerking her through the wringer and making her pay for your mistakes.

You need to fess up. Be honest to yourself AND to her about your orientation and interests. Stop trying to cram yourself into a box so you can appear the "good straight man", and own up to your mistakes and needs.

Plenty of broken marriages remain amicable and work out well for children, sometimes MUCH better than the ones who "stay together for the kids".

[Rareboy]

Oh Jesus.

One word. Counseling.

You need it really bad. I could spin out a page and a half playing dime store psychotherapist with you but what you describe needs the face to face and the skills of a real therapist.

I wish you, your wife and your child all the best, but I think that you need to face up to your real sexual and emotional nature now, before you damage all three of you even more.

[Darius]

What makes you think you wouldn't do the same thing to a man as you have to your wife? Why wouldn't you soon resent him for coming between you and your son, blaming him for what is really only your doing? Down through the ages men have left their wives for younger women, only to find themselves more unhappy than before. The grass is greener type thing, you know?

You need the kind of help that won't come from changing partners, I think. Sorry if that's blunt.

[Cuddly]

You have a kid. You owe it to your son, your wife and yourself to suck it up until he's atleast 3 years old. That's the rule!

What made you settle down with this woman? Surely there were some feelings. Try to remember those and find your way back there.
Maybe you could agree on an arrangement that lets you have protected gay sex rwice a year or something.

I am a little mad at you, I must admit. Did your relationship get boring and you decided to get married to fix it? It didn't work so you then tried with a child? Didn't work either so now you want out. That's shit!!

[ZackT]

Wow I wasn't sure what kind of responses I'd get, but there's some pretty varied ones...

Obviously what I've written is only my perspective (even as unbias as I have tried to be, that can't compare to her own interpretation) and it's only some of the story. So many details and things...

I didn't expirement before marrying her because I felt that wasn't a real option. When I originally came out as Bi about 2 and a half years ago, we were living in a super small isolated town. There weren't really any potential prospects out there for exploring that side of me, and I felt like asking that of her (even though she asked and would've given it to me) would've hurt her too much and killed our relationship.

My wife is a very understanding person, but I've spent years lying to her, about topics ranging from small repeated little lies, to big things. Small ones, like "were you looking at porn"? And sayin "no" even though it's not a problem with her...to big ones, like "do you have a crush on him?" (This isn't related to the cheating, oddly enough)

She feels she's already sacrificed enough for this and it's my turn, and she's right. She's put way more effort into our relationship than I ever have and I do feel like she deserves better than me pretty much all the time, even before I cheated on her.

I think she'll move because she said that she most likely would. She said that a couple months ago, after the cheating. She'd stay in OK as long as she could handle it, but sooner or later would go back to CA for family support.

I have been doing counseling, haven't seen a psychiatrist yet but that's the next step. I'm waiting to make a decision before I do that, cause I know I have some internal issues to work out either way I go.

I am a jerk, and I deserve everyone's contempt. So feel free to do that.

Also, having a kid wasn't planned. It just sorta happened. We weren't sure she could even have kids...surprise! Should've done more to prevent it, but here we are.

[LJay]

Oh Jesus.

One word. Counseling.

You need it really bad. I could spin out a page and a half playing dime store psychotherapist with you but what you describe needs the face to face and the skills of a real therapist.

I wish you, your wife and your child all the best, but I think that you need to face up to your real sexual and emotional nature now, before you damage all three of you even more.

This. It is only fair that you face up to the fact that self help has not been successful. You need counseling for you and perhaps, after that, with your wife and/or for your wife alone. This is a professional weight problem and there is a child involved. Sorry, but it is necessary for you to make some real moves and some real choices. Get help.