change is something i need

[cnorwood4350]

i want to thank those who responded to my cry for help. i am starting to see what you guys are meaning. i went through a lot in my life. i have a lot of mental disabilitys that hurt me everyday. i hate what has happened to me. i was raised to be christian and that god hates people like me. i was raped when i was 3 and then i have been dealing with a lot of physical abuse from my mom and my step father. my step father used to be very abusive for so long. but he has changed now. my step father came to me one day and asked me to work with him as a truck driver and i took the oppertunity to be with him and it turned out that he really did change. he wasnt rude and he was more fun to be around. i enjoyed my time with him. now i wish my mother could do the same thing. i mean i moved from her and her boyfriend who is very homophobic and against gay people that sometimes i want to kill him. i know i cant these things rule over my life but they hurt so much and i can never forget what has happened to me. i also experienced something that will always haunt me as i call it. i went through losing two of my best friends and i miss the them like crazy. they commited suicide in my arms while i was trying to stop them. they were not even 24 hours apart from each other. i sometimes think it is my fault they did it but i know trully in my heart that it is not my fault. i just wish i could have been faster. the one thing that scares me about them dieing in my arms is my second friend who killed himself wrote a letter to me saying how much he loved me and he wished things could be different because he wanted to go out with me. its things like that that i cant let go. i also miss my ex mathew. he was my first boyfriend that i ever dated. i mean i dated women but he was my first real boyfriend and i loved him so much. i wish i could find him now. we dated for 5 moths and then we went to different places and we never saw eachother again. he went to one school and i went to another. i wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and he was so sweet to me. he was the kind of boyfriend that people wanted to have and when we were together i felt like i had the greatest honor of being his boyfriend. i miss that a lot but i know i have to move on. i just dont know how. i mean i have had many more boyfriends but they all have been assholes to me and now i am so desperate for a boyfriend who will be there for me night and day and someone who will take care of me. i mean emotionally not finacially. i have a job that is lined up for me but i am still waiting on my social security card to come in. i live all the way in traverse city michigan. it is not that big of a town but my dad and the rest of my family live here too with me. my father has been in my life since my birth and my mother used to tell me that my father was the monster but now i realize that she was the monster and he was the hero. i now understand that my father trully cares for me. i live with him now and i love every minute i have with him. he is so cool and i just want to have a better life with him. now i am just trying to figure out what to do with my life and so far i am doing well. i just dont want to be like my mother. i mean i have three god children that i call my kids. they call me daddy and sometimes mommy because i see myself as the woman of the relationship with the man. i love them to death and i dont want to fail them as one of there parent. my sister is there biological mother and there father doesnt want anything to do with them. it hurts me because there father is one of my best friends. i try everyday to get him to at least see them but he wont budge. my son is 9 now and my twin daugthers are 8. they are the sweetest kids i have ever had. i want whats best for them well that is all i have for now. thanks to those who are here to help me. christopher

[MikeW]

i want to thank those who responded to my cry for help. i am starting to see what you guys are meaning. i went through a lot in my life. i have a lot of mental disabilitys that hurt me everyday. i hate what has happened to me. ...

Hey, Christopher...

Wow, that is a lot of stuff. No wonder you're "mood" icon says you're confused. It was confusing just reading it, I can't imagine how confusing it must be to live it. But from what I can sort out of it, you have some good things in your life right now as well as a lot of painful history.

I'm also trying to square this with what you said in your previous thread...

i need help. i dont know what to do. i have completely shut down from my parents and from the world. i go day by day just living a lie and i dont know how to change it. i have had my entire life just filled with lies. my mother became a drug addict and she used to tell me that she was very suppotive of me and then she gave up on me. she wont even try to change herself. i know i cant let her bring me down but i sometimes think she is bringing me down. i have tried to get help but they in the end have turned there back on me and hurt me. how are people different if the ones i used to know are trying to hurt me? i want to be different. i want to be a real person who is happy everyday and i dont want stress taking over my life. i dont know what to do. what would be the best thing to do in this situation. i mean all my life i had to deal with people abusing me and taking things from me. i have tried to not let it happen but its like it has a grab on me and i dont know how to get rid of it. what do i do now? i am so confused that i just want to cry and never wake up. is there a day that things will get better? someone please help me.
christopher

In the other thread [MENTION=21405]meridannight[/MENTION] asked what you mean by the bolded part, above, and I'm curious about that as well.

I understand that you've been through a lot. I get it that you are very confused. If what you've written out is an example of how your thoughts run around inside your head, it is no wonder you're confused. You're like a cat with nine tails racing around, chasing all of them at once.

I have two suggestions for you. One is that you begin seriously thinking about finding some sort of emotional/psychological support. I don't know what is available where you live but you need to be talking to someone, or in a group of people, who are dealing with similar issues. You need to learn skills for coping with your thoughts and emotions.

The second is that you begin practicing calming yourself down somehow. I'm not sure what would work for you. Some people use meditation, some people use a form of physical exercise like running or swimming, some people use music, others use drawing or painting. It needs to be something that interests you so you don't have to FORCE yourself to do it, and it needs to be something that relaxes your mind -- gets you outside of your normal chaotic thoughts. So, think about that, something you could do or try to see whether or not it helps you to be less confused inside yourself.

One of the hard lessons we learn in life is that no one can "fix" us. That's not to say other people can't help, they can, but there is a limit. Ultimately it is up to us, ourselves, to 'fix ourselves'... and that takes some effort on our parts. We can't just "think" our way out of our problems, we have to "feel" our way and actually try different things to find out what works for us.