No advice sought as such - this is a rant

[kjames]

I think we get mixed up in the whole "dating" part of online dating. The truth is when you meet someone online you are "connecting", not "dating". It's so easy to begin writing in the stars before is all pans out to an actual relationship. We start typing away and dreaming and connecting that person to what we think our dream should be like then BAM nothing. Perhaps it's because that same crap is being done with 10 other guys at the same time. Lol!

[yousir]

I think we get mixed up in the whole "dating" part of online dating. The truth is when you meet someone online you are "connecting", not "dating". It's so easy to begin writing in the stars before is all pans out to an actual relationship. We start typing away and dreaming and connecting that person to what we think our dream should be like then BAM nothing. Perhaps it's because that same crap is being done with 10 other guys at the same time. Lol!

very good way of looking at it.

[cestmoi77]

Try doing it for 6years and still having no luck finding something long term.

haha, well I have been Actually, probably in all seriousness, in eight years the grand total of guys interested are as follows:
a) a guy who dumped me for the guy who he's marrying next week (he had the front to invite me to the wedding)
b) a guy who broke my heart when after years of being friends we were both crazy about each other but then he married someone else and moved to America and only after moving to the US chose to tell me how he felt about me with the words "i always wondered why we never got together because I'm crazy about you"
c) a guy who was interested but then realised he was moving to Argentina so didn't want to get serious, and then in the end called me frigid when I didn't want to have a threesome with his ex boyfriend....
d) a gold-digger who was only interested in dating me so that I would buy him dinner.

For the rest, eight years of nobody being interested, being the cool funny guy who gets into the friend zone all too quickly. I never get hit on, never get flirted with, I'm sick of feeling like the unattractive lump that nobody wants, apart from to have the less attractive friend who is good for your self-esteem because they get laid EVEN LESS than you do....

[cestmoi77]

Tell him that you wish him well and that he should get in touch if it doesn't work out with the other guy.

I would. Except he deleted his profile from the website so no way of getting in touch with him....

[MikeW]

haha, well I have been Actually, probably in all seriousness, in eight years the grand total of guys interested are as follows:…..For the rest, eight years of nobody being interested, being the cool funny guy who gets into the friend zone all too quickly. I never get hit on, never get flirted with, I'm sick of feeling like the unattractive lump that nobody wants, apart from to have the less attractive friend who is good for your self-esteem because they get laid EVEN LESS than you do....

Ok, so what is the problem? I'm dead serious… you're putting this out there like this is all THEIR problem. Now, I'm not saying that each and every one of them doesn't have their faults or limitations, we all do. But that's not the point. You're presenting an "I'm a victim" situation… well, how does that work? I'm not asking you to TELL ME, I'm suggesting you THINK about this… Why is it you end up being "friend zoned"… why is it you can't find and build an lasting, intimate relationship with another man.

YES it IS difficult. YES it is. No denying that. BUT what are you putting into the pot here? I think it is time for you to take a long hard look at yourself and either *accept* that you are NOT relationship material OR begin to work at changing whatever it is that is preventing you from finding, having and keeping the kind of relationship you want.

[cestmoi77]

Do you not think I haven't thought about it a million times already? Maybe the bottom line is that we live in a community which is incredibly superficial.
I've done what I can, tried to change clothes and hairstyle and tried (with limited success) to lose weight but the bottom line is what I have to offer is not of interest.
I never said that I wasn't at fault, for the record, just that I was frustrated and sick and tired of it, not to mention pissed off with myself for believing the "someone for everyone" bullshit.

[Beaux]

Do you not think I haven't thought about it a million times already? Maybe the bottom line is that we live in a community which is incredibly superficial.
I've done what I can, tried to change clothes and hairstyle and tried (with limited success) to lose weight but the bottom line is what I have to offer is not of interest.
I never said that I wasn't at fault, for the record, just that I was frustrated and sick and tired of it, not to mention pissed off with myself for believing the "someone for everyone" bullshit.

The only "community" I live in, is a gated one on this little island I live on. Perhaps that could be part of the problem you are experiencing...? I don't know. What I do know, is that Mike gives advice worth listening to, and if you are surrounding yourself with a community of people who are superficial, then who do you really have to blame for that?

Personally, this Forum is the closest thing to a "gay community" to which I belong, and even here there are only two people who I have shared my phone number with.

I think that people confuse the whole "Sombody for everyone" idea. It would be more accurate to say, "There is at LEAST one person out there somewhere who you could have a good relationship with, and your job is to find him." Just because a relationship doesn't work out, that doesn't mean he wasn't "The One". NOTHING lasts forever, even Stars die, but my God they are beautiful while they burn!

Creat for yourself a life that gives you happiness and a sense of fufillment, and as you accomplish that goal people will start to notice and want to be part of that life.

~Beaux

[MikeW]

Do you not think I haven't thought about it a million times already?Maybe the bottom line is that we live in a community which is incredibly superficial.
I've done what I can, tried to change clothes and hairstyle and tried (with limited success) to lose weight but the bottom line is what I have to offer is not of interest.
I never said that I wasn't at fault, for the record, just that I was frustrated and sick and tired of it, not to mention pissed off with myself for believing the "someone for everyone" bullshit.

What I'm hoping to do here is get you to look at what you're saying, and look at what what you're saying, says about you. I don't know you. Pretty much all I know about you is based on the words you've written here -- a very long way from a complete knowledge of who you are.

Yeah, I get that you are frustrated and angry; I also get that you're blaming "yourself" and an "an incredibly superficial community" for your situation. From this it looks to me like you've adopted a "poor me," "victim" mentality in response. I hear you use the word "fault" rather than the word "responsibility"... and this, these words you're using to describe yourself and your situation, and the fact that you are complaining that you can not find a relationship, are what I'm responding to.

I have no idea how to get someone who is psychologically STUCK (as you appear to be) to SEE THEMSELVES... not "blame" themselves or others for having "faults" (which we all have)... but SEE themselves in such a way that they begin to take responsibility for their life and their life situation. << Really try and understand what that means. It isn't about "blame," it isn't about "fault". It isn't about changing your hairstyle or loosing weight or the superficial qualities of some imaginary "community." I'm not saying that these "superficial" things don't matter, they do in a way, but perhaps they matter in a way you haven't yet fully understood or come to terms with. What I AM saying is that until you take *responsibility* for your life and life situation -- which is NOT the same thing as blaming yourself or others for either their shortcomings or your own -- NOTHING can change.

Try to understand that a "poor me" and "victim" mentality is an inner attitude, a *position of weakness and defeat*. It is a position of having surrendered to what appears to be your fate. It is NOT a position of power, not a position of authoritative responsibility that looks carefully at one's self and one's situation (including other people) and, over time, changes what needs to be changed and accepts without grievance what cannot be changed.

Frankly, based on what you've said here so far, my impression is that you're operating in the world in general from a position of fear, negativity, low-self esteem and an injured sense of self-worth. My guess is that it is *this* that is undermining your ability to connect with someone; what they're sensing is this attitude and that prevents them from getting to know you well enough to find out "what you have to offer" let alone find it "interesting" or of value.

Am I totally off the mark here?

[cestmoi77]

OK. I won't answer all of that because the only response I'd get would be that I'm being overly negative/not accepting responsibility for anything anyway.

[JohnSomebody]

I hope you are feeling better about the situation since you've had the chance to vent. As for me...I don't put too much into pursuing online dating because frankly...the situation that you've spoke on in your story would scare the hell out of me. I'm not into instant love or instant infatuation especially just by having a formal introduction/greeting with someone. Over the past couple of months, I've met a couple of guys online that I was focusing on establishing a chat buddy and getting to know each other better to see if there's a possibility of a friendship. However, they mistook my thoughtful words as an opening for something more which floored me because that was not my intent at all. Furthermore, when I was not responding the way they would have liked me to...they went on this rant about being hurt and heartbroken. In my mind...I"m reviewing my responses to see if I had said something that may have given them this notion and I could not find a thing. Everything I said was purely platonic. So as far as I'm concerned you should take this incident as a blessing in disguise with the fact that you possibly could have escaped getting involved in something that could have been far worse than you could imagine....or it could be that the guy sense that you were moving far too fast or assuming more than what was being discussed between you two. In the future...don't take an initial chat with someone as something more than what it is because in the end...you will always be heartbroken.