The memory of my ex still ruins my life

[Sparrowhawk]

Hello dear friends.

Once again I have a strong need to talk to our community and ask for advice. Or lets say, helping me with advice how to overcome something that ended 4 years ago, but still poisoning my life.

My ex- boyfriend broke up with me almost 4 years ago. We were together for almost 5 years. He was my first big love. I was 23, still student, while he was the life- experienced man with a reach life experience, steady job and solid incomes in his early 30s. So far so good. After 18 months from the beginning of our relationship I moved in his flat, to live together as we planned before and wanted it so much. I had already completed my undergraduate degree and started MSc program in one of the ''top'' universities in our country (we are originally from Eastern Europe). I started working too, so a full time job and full time program were a nightmare. Then I saw my beloved man from other angle- as a person who always criticized me, who never appreciated my efforts and always putting me down. By that time I was 24. I had no support at all- my bf was always demanding and my parents were unable to help me. In a nutshell, I lived in a nightmare. I was dependent by my partner. I had to tolerate his attitude. I had no other choice. I turned back of my dreams, hobbies and sources of entertainment. Devoted myself to this relationship. But my efforts never were enough. I lived in my partner's flat, he earned as twice more as me, I didn't have the right to express my opinion or views. I had to adjust with him. Slowly this ruined completely my self-esteem and sense of worth. Meanwhile with the financial crisis I was working a low paid job. I had fallen too low...

During the spring of 2011, we both applied for a seasonal work in the UK and were approved My partner helped me with the paperwork as he used to be the experienced among us... Three months later, just a month before we headed for the UK he broke up with me... I was empty. No self-esteem, zero sense of worth and absolutely lacking self- confidence. I devoted years of my life for nothing.

Even parted, we were still seeing each other, because we worked on the same place and lived with other workers in the same accommodation. He did not end up his war with me. Now he made me pay through my nose for his help with the paperwork...

But all things, good or bad have their end. I continued to work for the same employer on extended contract while my ex left. Finally, I was left alone. Managers were glad from my work, offered me returnee invitations and I was more than happy. I made new friends, saved a lot of money, applied for a MSc course in a local university and here I am- full time student who will finish his course this autumn. There is no sign of my former poverty.

However, the pain from the past is still haunting me. The smashed sense of worth, the unpleasant memories. I don't communicate any more with my ex. He is in our country, while I am in the UK. But the problem is that we have mutual friends around Europe. We both are registered on a website for non- str8 people who are into martial arts ( as we both love these types of sports). I want to stay away from him, but this website is too gossipy, so he could always have information about me.

So, dear forum users, please, advise me what to do. How could I avoid my partner and retrieve my lost sense of worth? Have you been before in this state? How did you overcame it? How could I forget all that and start my new life? Please, any advice would be most appreciated.

Sincerely yours:

The Sparrowhawk.

[Lexington]

Why not simply come clean about it all? You don't have to go into details. You can simply say "We were together for awhile, but then we broke up. It wasn't a pleasant break-up, but I'm trying to move on." People only gossip if there's something to gossip about.

Lex

[SilverBullet]

self esteem is not something that's physical, its purely mental.
When you wake up ad see yourself in the morning in the mirror say to yourself things like "what a hottie", "winner" etc. DO NOT DOWN YOURSELF, think of it as self brainwashing only positive. Take your past as a lesson but regardless of what happened it may help to repeat yourself you have value and are worth more than gold to the right person, whoever had a previous relationship to you that messed you, tell yourself repeatedly they aren't worth it and didn't deserve you.

[erectrician4u]

i personally am a hard nosed person my advice to you is get off that website that site you both use and any common friends that you have IF THEY ARE GOSSIPING about you cut ties with them make new friends and keep those new friends in your circle while you are letting the past go take it as slow or fast as you want but cut all ties with your ex i was married 25 years and we divorced and to keep my sanity i had to cut ties with every person that knew the both of us because of all the questions that were being asked on her behalf so i made new friends and 10 years later i am completely happy and i remember but dont dwell on it good luck my friend its a hard road and in the end you will figure it out whatever works for you

[Rareboy]

The best way to move on is to move on. And that means getting out there and seeking another BF in your new life. As Lex has said, just putting the situation simply and clearly to anyone who is interested enough to comment is a great way to bring closure.

But if you can't do that...then stop picking at the scab. Leave the martial arts site. Find new interests that are not likely to intersect with the ex.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

People who have no self esteem issues don't get it, never will as there is no common frame of reference to start from.

Your best bet is to seek out therapy - for a while - IDK maybe a year of sessions. At least for you the loss of self esteem is relatively 'new' so you know what having a sense of self esteem is like - you just need a path to get you back to that place where you can claim it again.

It seems to me that you are placing way to much importance in the thought of others who really don't count. Like you say you two have all of these friends - but it doesn't seem that any of these are actually friends - they are acquaintances. Real friends are far rarer and fewer and once you get them they will stick with ya until death.

I think the other thing here is you missed out on being 20-something, and expect to be 30 something in your life path because your ex was. You need to figure out how to let go of the unreasonable expectations and get back to living your life as it should be at your age - which does mean working for less income.

All of these things are at work, there is perhaps a hella lot more that you need to uncover - a therapist can assist in that.

[JohnSomebody]

I agree with Boewyn Aerrow...I do feel that if you are still allowing a relationship that ended for a substantial amount of time keep you from moving forward...then I hate to say this but I'm being honest with my words...Its your fault. You need to remove yourself from anything or anyone who have a connection with your ex first of all because if you think about it...I'm willing to bet that your ex has moved on with his life. I would always tell guys who have broken up from a bad relationship and are allowing that relationship to get the best of them that if the ex is able to move on...then you should be able to do so as well. I do feel that if you remove yourself from those connected to him that this will bring you some kind of closure on the situation. If you are employed at a position where there are co-workers who have a connection with your ex then you should still be able to establish boundaries that will make the work environment adaptable. Try to gain back your power...try not to allow this situation to cause you anymore pain.

[East]

You just described some of the attributes of my abusive ex...

His behavior suggests he was a power and control freak...and since you are still thinking about it...he was successful...

I know the way out...you will rarely hear this advice. I know it works because I did it....

Keep it simple...OWN your part in it. For instance...when you first found out he was an asshole...you chose to stay.....or when he began treating you bad...you allowed it continue. Be tough with yourself.....tougher than he ever was. It will change the way you think in general.

Beware of people who want to feel sorry for you or make you a victim...avoid any conversation where sympathy is present..it will NOT help you! The majority of people love victims...trust me on that one...

When you own your role in it...it frees you to move on...I know what I am talking about. You need to take back the power and control he has over you.

If you feel like a victim...you will always be one.