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05-29-2015, 10:43 AM

Saying that he loves you after so short a time speaks to his immaturity. Lol I suppose it's less romantic to say, "I'm totally infatuated with you!" but that would be closer to the truth.

My experience has been that traits in another person that annoy you when you first meet often turn into fingernails-on-the-chalkboard screamers as time goes by.

I agree with what a lot of the other guys have said. Slow it down and tell him the truth.

05-29-2015, 09:20 PM

Cridders88 Wrote:The attention he giving you of course feels nice but if you aren't feeling anything back then he will get hurt later down the line.

This is a issue, because I do like him. Really, if he wasn't feminine, I would have no problem dating him whatsoever. Everything else is great!

TO TRY AND ANSWER THOSE WHO REPLIED:

WE HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING SEXUALLY! Neither he, nor I, were looking for a sexual relationship. It may come to that eventually, but it is not what we focus on. Therefore, lust is not as big an issue as some may have stated. We have ONLY cuddled and kissed. Nothing more.

We have been talking since Easter. So we have had some time to get to know each other somewhat well. Yes, he has moved a little fast. I have told him I cannot say the same back to him and he was fine with it.
Unfortunately, I am a big-hearted person. I don't want to hurt his feelings in any way. He is a really great guy! I am trying to give it a chance to see if I can just get over it since it is the ONLY thing that bothers me.

Another problem is I am everything he looks for in a guy (his own words.) I have the qualities and traits he adores and, thus, he has become strongly infatuated with me to the point where he says he loves me.

I am not perfect by any means. I have my flaws, such as being a little overweight, overthinking things, and even hypocritical since I am a Christian and doing the things I am doing.

I went to see him today, as I have a couple times this week. He told me how happy he was and how I am the nicest person he has ever met. He thanks God for sending me into his life (we are both religious). He actually got emotional enough to shed a tear, for which he apologized and changed the subject.

THIS is breaking my heart. He is a great guy that I really connect with and I, at least now, can't get over my own selfishness of not liking feminine guys. He is so sweet and treats me the way I would want to be treated.. SO WHY CAN'T I GET OVER THIS ONE DETAIL!?!?

05-29-2015, 09:21 PM

camfer Wrote:i.

please read my previous response!

05-29-2015, 09:22 PM

Please read my latest response. Thank you!!

MikeW · 05-29-2015, 10:09 PM

ca1050 Wrote:...THIS is breaking my heart. He is a great guy that I really connect with and I, at least now, can't get over my own selfishness of not liking feminine guys. He is so sweet and treats me the way I would want to be treated.. SO WHY CAN'T I GET OVER THIS ONE DETAIL!?!

Asking "why" we feel the way we feel is often not a very productive approach. Not if we keep it all "up in the head" (as a thought).

If you really want to understand this feeling in yourself and where it comes from and what, if anything, you can "do" about it, you have to get to know it intimately, deeply. You have to let yourself feel it (not necessarily act on it, but feel it, not shy away from it or try to suppress it). Let yourself go inside it, poke around, and find out what you're *really* feeling about it. For example, do you in some way feel "threatened" by men who have qualities you experience as "effeminate"? Does it somehow challenge your own sense of masculinity and self-worth? If so, where did those "messages" come from (dad?, TV?, peers?)....

My point being that simply asking "why" in your mind won't get you very far. If you *really* want to know the answer you have to not shy away from it but get inside it and find out what its all about for you. Remember this: THIS IS ABOUT YOU NOT HIM. This is about YOUR subjective experience, your emotional reaction to something you're sensing outside yourself. It is YOUR responsibility. And, indeed, if it is an attitude that is getting in the way of a developing friendship or possibly something more, then it is your responsibility to understand it within yourself.

05-30-2015, 06:21 PM

A bunch of options here.

Yes, you can tell him to butch it up a little (or a lot). But contemplate how that comes across. Not ust the entire maculine/feminine dynamic of the homosexual male, but the sheer fact that you're putting a conditional on the relationship. Swap places for a minute. Pretendyou found aguy you're absolutely apehsit for, and you date fow a couple of weeks. Then say he said it was time for a talk, and said he liked you OK, but he can't get beyond how fat you are...or how little you earn...or your entire wardrobe....or whatever else. Then he said "Drop thirty pounds...or start earning in the six figures...or throw out all your clothes and get something actually suitable....and I'll keep dating you. Otherwise, see ya." These aren't modest tweaks. They're pretty significant lifestyle changes. And as far as I'm concerned, the proper response to them is to wish the guy well and send him on his way.

You don't love this guy, with or without quotes. Or, more accurately, your like of masculinity (or your dislike of femininty) outweighs your like of him. You gave it a go, knowing full well that he had feminine traits, and I think that's admirable. But it appears that it's not going to work out. I'd say the best move is to break up with him, sooner than later. And feel free to use the "it's not you, it's me" line. As Mike pointed out, it's accurate.

Lex

trywait · 05-30-2015, 09:52 PM

it's only been two weeks in...you barely know each other. still, it is up to you if you can overlook some of his traits. you might wanna ask him if there's something about you that irritate him? after all, not everyone is perfect, right?

kjames · (Edited 05-31-2015, 01:07 AM by kjames.)

I tend to listen to what a guy is saying instead of how he is saying it. If a guy has feminine traits but has character and depth to him, I go for it. If the topics are of shoes and clothes and material things, I tend to stay away.

Bhp91126 · 05-31-2015, 02:13 AM

Hi Ca, this is only a wild guess of mine and no insult is intended, but you label yourself as a curious guy, which I read as someone who is not out and just discovering his attraction to men. Could it be, that him being effeminate makes him "obvious" to other people, while you'd like to fly under the Gaydar for a while still? If so, the problem is yours and you need to work it out. Rejection of Fems is often an indication of lack of self acceptance about being gay.

However, even if you were to overcome this, should it indeed be the issue, you could still wind up not being attracted to him. You can't tell your dick what to like, unfortunately.
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05-31-2015, 03:03 AM

Bhp91126 Wrote:Hi Ca, this is only a wild guess of mine and no insult is intended, but you label yourself as a curious guy, which I read as someone who is not out and just discovering his attraction to men. Could it be, that him being effeminate makes him "obvious" to other people, while you'd like to fly under the Gaydar for a while still?
.

You are correct. I am not out. He only has a more soft and higher voice and a couple of feminine mannerism. Apart from this, he is like any other guy. But, it is obvious and I know others take notice to it as well. You are also correct in the fact that I am somewhat scared that by hanging around a guy that shows gay traits, could label me the same. However, we haven't gone out in public or anything. We just chill at his place and hang out, when he is free and home alone. I can admit, the more time I have spent with him this past week, the more I am beginning to like him, despite his effeminate traits.