...How much of ourselves do you think we can change?
I think of myself at any moment as the sum of every single experience in my life...and how I processed it...so to some extent the world around me has helped shape at least part of me...but specifically.....I wonder if there are things that are just in our nature...and there is not really anything we can do about it?
I think about this a lot...but today....what brought me to this place.....
I was listening to this man in Santa Cruz today...blah blah blah...nothing was "wrong" with him. His conversations were informative and friendly...he was just a chatty cathy and I sooooo wanted him to shut up... but as I moved around the crowd...he ended up everywhere...talking to everyone....and I started to cop an attitude....
...and then I quickly recognized myself in him...and groaned...and either I don't like that part of myself...or wish I could change it...or tone it down. I am not sure because I don't know how to be any other way so maybe I really do dislike myself...not really sure. I tell myself to STFU all the time...but it is hard for me...
I talk to strangers and people I know...easily....without a second thought...and I know LOTS of people...waaaayyyyyyy too many. Always been that way for me...as a kid...in HS...every part of my adult life....
For instance...if I go out and about tomorrow...I will most likely end up in a conversation with two or three people I never met..for up to 1/2 hour.....anywhere...everywhere...and I SWEAR I don't look for it...never....it just happens naturally. My lover ...and a few other people who have known me really well...call me the Pied Piper....
I will also run into maybe 20 or 30 people I already know on some level...just out and about....
Some I just smile and say hi to and maybe two or three lines of conversation...some I will talk to for awhile.....maybe grab some lunch with them or a cup of coffee....catch up....
......and I have been in conflict with this for a long time.
See...I LOVE being by myself,,,in solitude...I even think I would have liked to date myself when I was single. I truly enjoyed going to a restaurant alone...or when I went dancing by myself in San Francisco...loved it. The problem happened when I stopped dancing...I always knew a shitload of people wherever I went and did the whole hugging and kissing thing with the boys when I was all sweaty and trying to catch some air....
So...my specific thought.....
I am always giving advice to introverts or people who are afraid to go forward TO JUST DO IT!!!...as though it is easy for them...and I wonder now...maybe it is like telling them to fly? It just occurred to me today...maybe they can't just "do it"? ...because I can't just "not do it" ...or so it seems. ...
So...is this just written in stone?...in our nature?...is there really much hope of ever changing this kind of personality quality?
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I think there's a lot about ourselves we can change, and also a lot of things we can't.
I would, however, say that these categories are rarely at all separate. I think we have a vast vast tendency to attribute most everything about us into one category or the other and it's possible almost nothing is. Sure, there's a heart disease history in my family-- there's also a history of really bad eating and being overweight in old age. Likewise I think a lot of personality and psychological traits have hardwired bases... but people can exacerbate them or give into them to extremes, and explain it with "I can't help it, that's just the way I am."
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Buzzer Wrote:I think there's a lot about ourselves we can change, and also a lot of things we can't.
I would, however, say that these categories are rarely at all separate. I think we have a vast vast tendency to attribute most everything about us into one category or the other and it's possible almost nothing is. Sure, there's a heart disease history in my family-- there's also a history of really bad eating and being overweight in old age. Likewise I think a lot of personality and psychological traits have hardwired bases... but people can exacerbate them or give into them to extremes, and explain it with "I can't help it, that's just the way I am."
...and what I highlighted...this is what I HOPE to be true.....
I have been practicing not engaging everyone...and the best I can do is to keep it minimal..and even then...I kidna like a lot of people and want to talk to them...I love interesting individuals and great conversations...and so I don't think I can ever really change that because I don't really want to I guess....
My problem though...my time...I rarely have any to myself anymore....
I have developed some strategies though...and I have to kinda lie which I don't like....
For instance...when I go to Alameda to shop at the Antique Show...I know sooooo many people...but if I make eye contact and start talking..I never get to shop....
So...I do this whole zig zag route trying to make sure they don't even see me... and in case they do see me.... I tell them if I didn't say hi...I have a problem with my depth vision and have to concentrate at what is right in front of me...and it isn't a lie. My eye goes toward the biggest object on the horizon and I DO have to focus on what is in front of me...but the lie is that it isn't the real reason I didn't stop and talk...
...and now I have been approached to promote a pretty big show...I met with that city's Manager last week and it went well...and I was chosen because of my reputation for knowing everyone which is what they want....so I can't totally change or maybe not at all because in order to do a good job and make it a success...I will have to be open and available 24/7 with even more people...YIKES! ...and I want to promote.....
So...I wonder...it seems impossible for me to find a quiet place I really love to be in....as much as I love to talk to people....and can I ever have both? I also wonder...for the people I give advice to...do I make them feel bad if they just don't have it in them to walk up to a stranger? I am trying to help...but how much help is it?
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East I think you're being way too hard on yourself. Sure we can change our behaviors. I've been in therapy long enough to know that behavior modification can be very effective when the subject is truly motivated to change.
I've found over the years that it was much, much easier to change how I approach life and how I react to it when I was a younger man. In my case I can't change some of the behaviors I most wish I could. Sometimes due to circumstance we're stuck with certain behaviors and we just have to play the hand life deals us.
So you're a social butterfly. It's a gift to be able to connect with people easily, making them feel at ease in your presence. That said, I'll bet you also have the ability to detect when someone you start chatting with is off in some way, possibly even dangerous in some manner. Can you start by recalling the times you've broken off a conversation because you realized the other individual wanted to flee, or because you felt the conversation had run its course, that you had very little in common with the other party, or the times when you just didn't feel comfortable sharing time with someone? There must have been those times, even if they are small in number.
If you really want to alter your behavior be observant of the situations during which you might lose yourself while interacting with people. Limit yourself in that sweet unassuming way you wield so easily and gently extricate yourself away from the moment. Don't feel guilty because you don't happen to be up for a gabfest. Remember that you're not required to be at everyone's disposal because they are drawn to you. Sometimes you feel like it, sometimes you don't. Don't agonize when you don't feel like giving up your personal needs. You don't owe it to them, and sometimes you must think of yourself first. Your needs are important too.
I envy you East. You're the kind of man people are drawn to. You're approachable. You are genuinely interested in other people and further you actually listen to them and think about what they say. That's rare these days.
Sometimes you might have to make yourself pull back, allow yourself to have some quiet time. There's no crime in needing "me" time. The trick, I think is providing yourself with a balance between your Pied Piper and the alone time you need.
For what its worth, you've always made me feel at ease and comfortable in my own skin when we talk. That's not an easy place for me go. My inclination is to push people away. You don't begin to make me feel like I want to run. It may feel like a curse to you, but its my chance to breathe easy without feeling on guard. You feel more like a grace than a hindrance to me East, and I'm grateful to you for it.
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I think that in small ways, all of us can effect change in ourselves as we wish and want.
I think in large ways, it takes... a moment of revelation to effect change. A moment where you recognize something in yourself that you find unacceptable and have to turn away from it. Not just choose to turn away from that part of yourself, but HAVE to.
And, of course, traumatic events can, and do, change people. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.
In your specific situation, are you sure it's that you saw yourself in him and didn't like what you saw of yourself? Or is it that he was in the way of either allowing you the expression you need, and/or of getting something you need from interactions with others?
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tl;dr
....here's my opinion about advice. I give it freely. But it's always given as exactly that - advice. It's not "gargoyle binding arbitration". I know people can take the advice...or mull it over and decide to modify it somewhat...or reject it outright because it's not what they wanted to hear. I do try to remember that other people don't live the gargoyle life, and so may think/see/act completely different from me. And I try to tailor the advice with that in mind. But after that, it's still advice from somebody who isn't in the situation.
Can an introvert "just do it"? Yes, they can. The same way you can "just stop talking", probably. It comes naturally to some, and it takes a herculean effort for others. But I still think it can be done.
Lex
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there must be some middle ground between your chattiness to strangers and my reluctance to do the same, that's something I would like to change where talking to anyone and making new friends would come easy - I can fake it and force myself but I will end up stuttering slightly or trip over my own words and look foolish - strangely though, if I know you well then you cant shut me up,
I wonder if its even possible to change traits like these if they are built in from birth
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East Wrote:I am always giving advice to introverts or people who are afraid to go forward TO JUST DO IT!!!...as though it is easy for them...and I wonder now...maybe it is like telling them to fly? It just occurred to me today...maybe they can't just "do it"? ...because I can't just "not do it" ...or so it seems. ...
So...is this just written in stone?...in our nature?...is there really much hope of ever changing this kind of personality quality?
Yeah time for you to stop telling introverts to fly - or whatever.
Because as you are learning, people can't stop being what they are in many areas of their lives.
I'm surprised you don't try to stop gays from being gays - or are you opposed to that for some reason?
IF so, then you need to ask yourself why it is its ok to be gay but not OK to be an introvert or whatever other thing you oppose.
Edit Addition: I think I have pretty much made it clear that I'm an introvert and that I am fully opposed to our society which constantly tries to force introverts to be extroverts. The reason being is because I have gone down that dangerous path of trying to appease a society that I do not fit in and that lead to drugs, alcohol, institutions, hospitals and even death (temporarily, but still I did commit suicide).
Its not until I recognized that I am an introvert, that I need my energy recharges and that I'm far better off with a few close friends instead of an unruly mob of 'friends' that a lot of things got easier for me to deal with day to day.
I realize that a lot of the new kids on the block who are introverts are in danger of going down a similar path to be accepted by a society that is unbalanced and demands too much.
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I had a big post planned out...but [MENTION=21461]Steve[/MENTION] beat me to it...lol
I agree with Steve.
~Beaux
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