What is good advice for winning over a FWB?

[Lexington]

If this were somebody you had always just been FWB with, I'd say you could give him a "You know, I might be interested in making this a full-on relationship, but if that's not something you'd be interested in, I'm fine leaving it where it's at."

But you already WERE in a full relationship with him. And it ended. And he has another FWB that he apparently he already has deeper feelings for. That's two really big hurdles that I wouldn't bother trying to leap over. If you like fucking him, and you don't mind it EVER going further than that, just keep it where it is. Otherwise, break it off with him and go find somebody else.

Lex

[sethmachine]

Thank you all for this discussion and advice. I think I will let go and not try to push anything, and refocus on my energies.

If my responses make me sound rude or ignorant, I apologize. Because I have no friends in the dating community, my ideas and beliefs go unchallenged, so I could write stuff that would seem really stupid.

Here is one thing you could try: Let. It. Go.

Thank you for the advice, Beaux. I wish to interpret this as suggesting that I shouldn't worry any more about have a stronger relationship with my friend, and that things should just be left as they are.

At the core of winning back a person there is a game being played

What do you mean by this?

Your going to have to let this one go Seth and find a relationship that focuses on the heart and not the mind

I've been looking for slightly over 2 years now--no such relationship has materialized, and I usually meet at least 1-2 new people every month. I understand it's not something that can be found, but the problem is that it requires 2 to form a relationship and as others have stated, we can't force someones feelings.

Desperation is a turn-off. Offering to buy someone's time/affection jumps out among all the kind of manufactured efforts you describe as something that would be repellant... and even if it wasn't, what would that say? You're a little young to be somebody's sugar daddy.

Thank you for your advice. I suppose my hope would be to distinguish myself. I think sincere financial support is a strong show of love and care, and perhaps it can make someone understand another's feelings, which could influence them?

I think you need to let this guy go. He broke up with you before with you being pushed aside, and from everything he has said to you, it seems bound to happen again. This is backed up by the fact he is not responding to your hints. Let it go.

I agree that I should let this idea / possibility go for now, but I intend to keep our friendship, even if we only see each other intermittently.

Part of the point that everyone else who's replied has made is that you DON'T have gold in your pocket. All of the advice was sound and I agree with it all

I guess what I mean is, I'm already in a FWB with this guy, and the other people I've been meeting are far less attractive in all respects: personality, attitude, creativity, passion, and beauty.

I had the experience of someone trying to buy my love...and I can't think of a bigger turnoff.

The point isn't to buy someone (there are escorts for that), it's to communicate my feelings when all other ways have failed. I don't think it's ever enough to just say how one feels, but instead actions have to show. I want him to know I'd go to any lengths to be with him--and I have before (surprise flew out to his home out of country when we were dating).

But you already WERE in a full relationship with him. And it ended.

That was 2 years ago. My friend has even suggested he recently he would be open to a stronger relationship, if that ever happened. That relationship ended because my friend didn't want to stay in a monogamous relation. Second, it was my friend who reached out to me again so we could get together and at least be FWB. People mature and learn, and where is it written that the first relationship has to be the last?

And he has another FWB that he apparently he already has deeper feelings for. That's two really big hurdles that I wouldn't bother trying to leap over.

I don't think his relationship with his close FWB is maintainable in the long long term. The issue is that his FWB is poor, lives at home with his parents, is unemployed, hasn't graduated high school and hasn't gone to college. He's not really ever going to go anywhere in life (he plays video games 24/7). My friend's parents also don't approve, which is a big deal, since my friend's parents finance his life, and on the other hand, my friend's parents do like me.

I am not judging him--I think their personalities really click, and of course his FWB is younger and likely a lot more physically attractive than me.

[East]

Wow Seth...

Thank you all for this discussion and advice. I think I will let go and not try to push anything, and refocus on my energies.

If my responses make me sound rude or ignorant, I apologize. Because I have no friends in the dating community, my ideas and beliefs go unchallenged, so I could write stuff that would seem really stupid.

I completely underestimated you. I am impressed with your ability to be objective and take the advice in the spirit is was given....and if you are able to let it go and refocus...I am positive you will find another even better match...

For what it's worth..I really hope you find that perfect guy...

[Radbot42]

I'd say meet him one more time, have one last night with him, then tell him you have to be ddone with him. Having him as a FWB is clearly interfering with you moving on, and you need to get him out of your life.

[Rareboy]

What I've been doing:

-Keeping my distance. I try to see him about once every 2 weeks (we both have very busy lifestyles).

-Been very open about my other relationships and intimate activities (e.g. if I had unprotected sex).

-Making it clear I don't want to come between him and his close FWB.

-Very gradually disclosing my feelings over each time we meet, rather than dropping everything all at once.

-Making subtle hints about what I would do for him (e.g. financially support him, ask him to live with me, buy him clothes, etc.--he doesn't have much money and his close FWB is completely dependent, supported by parents). However, he's definitely picked up on these and usually shrugs them off or ignores them.

Passive aggressive ought to work.

I got to the last point and just thought 'ugh'.

Mess.

He ended it. Let him go.