Relationship Advice

[Bowyn Aerrow]

While there's something to be said for BA's post and his approach, I could just as easilt the opposite side. You started a relationship with an in-shape fun boyfriend, and now you've got an out-of-shape, won't-do-shit boyfriend. This isn't what you signed up for, and you shouldn't have to stick with him if you're not interested in doing so.

Lex

And that is why the divorce rate is so high.

The thing about relationships is one sticks around for not just the better, but for the worst as well.

I'm wholly and completely opposed to the idea of marriage. Instead of fighting for gays to get marriage, we should be fighting to abolish the concept, since apparently no one actually listens to the traditional vows - or care.

I suppose that if his BF had cancer your advice would be 'oh sister get out of that relationship, its not what you signed up for!'

If you say no, then you have a hella explaining to do on why it is a mental health ailments is something to leave.

Especially since you have your diagnosis(es).

[meridannight]

you are both way too young to be engaged and get married. a lot will happen in the next 10 years of your life. when you emerge at 30 you'll be in a different place in life than you are now. i would strongly argue against engagement/marriage at such a young age even if you liked the guy, never mind if you don't even like him.

this isn't a rush to the finish line on who gets to tie the knot first. this is supposed to be a careful informed decision arrived at by both parties who know themselves and the person they're getting engaged with. don't treat it lightly as if it was some trivial matter. the guy is supposed to be someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. that is serious. and you'll know it when you have him. if you're asking questions like ''should i end it'' then he is definitely not it.

[Lexington]

And that is why the divorce rate is so high.

It's my personal belief that the divorce rate is so high not because "people toss everything away too readily" but because they jump into marriage too quickly. And I think the OP did just that. And I believe [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] is completely right - staying with somebody simply out of obligation does nobody any favors. The OP isn't just stuck with a guy he's not attracted to, but his boyfriend is stuck with a guy who no longer finds him attractive, and may in fact start resenting him for that fact. How is that beneficial to either party?

And at the risk of playing the you-don't-know-me card here...

I had a boyfriend once. And he ended up gaining a lot of weight. In addition, he went through a couple bouts of depression and at least one modest health scare. And guess what? I'm still with him. I've stuck with him through all of that. Not out of a sense of obligation, or because I felt like I kinda had to...but because I wanted to. I still love my partner dearly. And I believe that's because that which I fell in love with hasn't changed.

I fell in love with That Guy almost two decades ago. And I didn't fall in love with him because "he looked like that" - it just so happened the guy I fell in love with looked like that. And so his extra weight doesn't detract from anything. Do I wish he were skinnier? Sure - he has more health issues now, and finds it a bit harder to get around, and it'd be nice to not have to deal with that. But as far as I'm concerned, he's just That Guy plus more pounds. And, in the past, he's been depressed That Guy, and unwell That Guy. You could turn him into a gorilla for all I care, but as long as he's still That Guy inside, I'd still stick with him.

What would make me want to leave? If he was no longer That Guy, I guess, and whatever replaced him was something I didn't like. And I know a case where this happened. It was discovered that a friend of mine had a huge heart defect (despite being athletic and in shape). Doctors stated that they had never known anyone to make it to their tenth birthday with this condition. My friend was thirty-four. And the doctors said surgery was imperative if he wanted to see thirty-five.

The surgery didn't go well, but then again, it apparently is an exceptionally difficult procedure, and any time you get a living patient on the other end, you did a good job. But my friend "died" three times on the table. Recovery took months. And, to put it simply, he was not the same person when he recovered. It wasn't just that he wasn't as active as he used to be, or that he had memory issues - that was no surprise. Or that he reacted unhappily to his "new life" - that also was to be expected. His whole personality changed. It literally is like talking to someone else now.

He eventually divorced. His wife stuck it out for several years, but finally he told her "I can't even pretend to be the guy you fell in love with anymore." They're still friends, and she still cares about him deeply. But I think that was the right move for both of them.

Lex

[LJay]

Whatever you do, don't marry him until all of this is worked out. Frankly, it sounds to me that the conflict with his family and other stresses are getting to him. Weight gain and lethargy are a circular thing and they both can go hand in hand with depression. Think this out. Help if you can. Don't commit until you know things are solved.

[Ezequiel]

I appreciate most of the talk here, but I came here not out of shallowness, not out of looking for only looks. I came here to get advice, not an extremely long post about how bad of a person i am which includes gays being refered to as faggots? Seriously dude.. That is unacceptable in any society, and I hope you someone reaches out to you soon to update your obviously ancient print dictionary. Also, you've NEVER heard of a 20 year old who is tired and fatigued?? What universe do you live in! I might stop by one day, but where I come from almost EVERY 20 year old is beyond exhausted and tired and it is a very talked about topic for my age group. College aged kids, such as myself, experience these issues. I suggest you crawl back under the crusty rock from whence you came. Getting back to the topic..

I came here for advice, not to be criticized. I would appreciate the help.

I truly do love him, as a person and as That Man. He's changed slightly, and is it honestly considered shallow to care about the person I sleep with? Being that much over weight is not healthy, no matter what is going on and the gym will certainly not kill him. And okay, maybe the gym isnt his thing I get that. But getting back to a healthy weight should be a priority for him. Physical fitness is a big thing for me, and I'm aware I am not in the best of shape. However, I am much closer to my weight at the beginning of the relationship than him, and I am currently working on fixing that. Weight is not a killer for me, but having an unmotivated, unhappy, stressed, bad attitude boyfriend is and all I truly want is to figure out the issue to fix it.

But, from experience and thought what do you suggest? Is there something I can do to see if we are just truly better off seperate, or if we need to work on issues.

[East]

People throw around the word shallow waaaaayyyyyy too much. By most accounts...I would be considered shallow because I liked sex with a lot of different men...and (gasp) I hung out and worked in nightclubs...and I assure you I am anything but shallow....

...but everyone is entitled to their opinions...and opinions are like assholes..everyone has one.......

Having said that...I think you should make up your own mind...and do what feels right to you. If strangers on the internet...or even people you know in your 3-D world... want to judge you...let them. They don't have to walk in your shoes or live your life...you do...and you should be true to yourself....always...

I think it will be worse for both of you if you stay when you are not attracted to him...it will damage both of you....and you could easily move from being in love with him to resenting and even hating him if you don't address this....

One more thing...you can't make him change...he has to want to do it...

[Anocxu]

Besides his weight.. and being tired and seemingly unmotivated...
List some more issues that are threatening the relationship..?

[Beaux]

I appreciate most of the talk here, but I came here not out of shallowness, not out of looking for only looks. I came here to get advice, not an extremely long post about how bad of a person i am which includes gays being refered to as faggots? Seriously dude.. That is unacceptable in any society, and I hope you someone reaches out to you soon to update your obviously ancient print dictionary. Also, you've NEVER heard of a 20 year old who is tired and fatigued?? What universe do you live in! I might stop by one day, but where I come from almost EVERY 20 year old is beyond exhausted and tired and it is a very talked about topic for my age group. College aged kids, such as myself, experience these issues. I suggest you crawl back under the crusty rock from whence you came. Getting back to the topic..

I came here for advice, not to be criticized. I would appreciate the help.

I truly do love him, as a person and as That Man. He's changed slightly, and is it honestly considered shallow to care about the person I sleep with? Being that much over weight is not healthy, no matter what is going on and the gym will certainly not kill him. And okay, maybe the gym isnt his thing I get that. But getting back to a healthy weight should be a priority for him. Physical fitness is a big thing for me, and I'm aware I am not in the best of shape. However, I am much closer to my weight at the beginning of the relationship than him, and I am currently working on fixing that. Weight is not a killer for me, but having an unmotivated, unhappy, stressed, bad attitude boyfriend is and all I truly want is to figure out the issue to fix it.

But, from experience and thought what do you suggest? Is there something I can do to see if we are just truly better off seperate, or if we need to work on issues.

Hon, one of the fruits from the Tree of Friendship is Advice. However, like any fruit, you should choose those that you eat from carefully...
Good Luck,
~Beaux

[meridannight]

I truly do love him, as a person and as That Man. He's changed slightly, and is it honestly considered shallow to care about the person I sleep with? Being that much over weight is not healthy, no matter what is going on and the gym will certainly not kill him. And okay, maybe the gym isnt his thing I get that. But getting back to a healthy weight should be a priority for him. Physical fitness is a big thing for me, and I'm aware I am not in the best of shape. However, I am much closer to my weight at the beginning of the relationship than him, and I am currently working on fixing that. Weight is not a killer for me, but having an unmotivated, unhappy, stressed, bad attitude boyfriend is and all I truly want is to figure out the issue to fix it.

now you're singing a bit of a different tune than you were in your original post. here you're saying it's his health that concerns you. but in the first post it was the fact that you were no longer sexually attracted to him because of his weight:

I used to be attracted to him sexually, a lot. Until he started to act different and gain the weight.

But Im not attracted to him sexually at all, and I hate cuddling with him because of his weight and him
Simply not understanding how to cuddle.

you might be big on physical fitness but for other guys this may well be a small matter. if that's the case with him, then you have two choices -- accept it or don't, but quit whining about it. you're not gonna change who somebody is, nor do you have the right to try to change your partner.

Should I just end it, and try to move on and see what happens

again, if you're asking questions like this, or if you DON'T already have an answer to this question on your own, then he is not That Guy. are you seriously expecting a bunch of strangers tell you whether you should stay with your partner or break up with him? people who know nothing of what you are like, what your partner is like, and what the connection/relationship between you two is like?

stay out of marriage. that's all the advice i have to give you right now.

[kjames]

The gym can be intimidating for an overweight person and a boyfriend that says "You Should Go to the Gym" doesn't exactly spark someone's motivation because it suggests that you want HIM to change to make YOU happy. A relationship is like a chain link fence, it weaves inward when you are together and outward when you’re apart. What really counts, is the quality of the time spent during the inward weave and if that time consists of badgering and arguing…the link skips, and the weave branches elsewhere. If you’re packing your gym bag to get your work-out on right when he gets home from work, again...it skips a weave and branches elsewhere. Try to be aware of what is happening when you are together and how you are communicating with one another. Ask yourself, “Am I keeping the link going” by co-creating shared experiences, listening, loving, be supportive or “Am I pushing him away” and focusing completely on being independent by leaving to the gym when he walks in the door? If you are really truly invested and committed in this relationship, then co-create opportunities for "shared healthful experiences" that are non condescending and the goal is “quality time together” and not about him losing weight. Perhaps it can be something simple like taking a walk together after dinner or preplanning meals for the week (together) that are healthy. At first it may be difficult, but I guarantee it will become easier and habitual for both of you once you do it 30 times. But, if you and he, are not committed to developing "shared healthful experiences" that will help continue the support of the inner weave of the relationship…you might want to put off your engagement.