My turn to ask for advice for a change...

[MikeW]

...First. Make a conscious decision to lower your reserve and to loosen up.

Be nice. Smile.

UGGG.. YOU are no fun at all!

[MikeW]

AND BE SURE YOU REMEMBER THAT I AM SO JEALOUS I COULD SPIT!

[SHOman93]

May I just say, I'm so happy for you Mike!

As for the "advice", I agree with the others. Play it cool. There's no point in going over the top with the questions, at least at first. BUT, he's obviously interested. Is there anything wrong with showing interest back? Nope! He's also noticed what an awesome person you are. Now go show him how awesome you REALLY can be!

So. Ask him out for coffee. Get closer to him in your classes. Hope it turns out alright.

[kjames]

I cant seem to understand why you are surprised. You my friend, have all that it takes to make it happen. You are insightful, caring, thoughtful and wise. If for one moment you feel that your qualities are not projected from your being and you cant seem to understand why this guy is taking notice then that is why I am writing this. We are all a bit socially awkward when it comes to stepping into the unknown. But, with each step we place forward, that foot becomes sturdy and strong and guides the other one to take the next...go for it Mike.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm curious about why he has suddenly taken notice of me to the point he actually made contact with me (brief and rather awkward as it was).

He noticed you a long time ago. And I strongly suspect he has had the 'hots' for you for a long time. I also suspect that he is into older men because older men are more dominate, are more sure of themselves, tend to be the ones to lead, and all of these other things. Meaning he is passive/submissive with a high chance of being an introvert and most likely has been playing the Hoping Game.

I'm into older guys myself - I have spent enough time in therapy to know that I am interested in the 'father figure' because I am attracted to the wiser/dominant type. And through the years I have studied up on the subject and have been told by plenty of therapists that introverts, passive/submissive types tend to favor an older partner.

Why now. Because you ain't looking, and most likely are kinda loath to even get involved with a person. This is a well known phenomena, there are many sites out there and quotes about it: Stop Looking.

I have expounded on the Natural Law that love is a stalker, who follows us around and when we are least expecting it to happen (and often when we least need/want it in our lives) is sneaks up behind us and proceeds to bash our brains out with a blunt instrument. This leads to the all of the horrible insanity that love makes us do. Brain damage is a serious thing.


Bluntness: and other personality traits, foibles, defects of character we choose to keep.

One of the biggest killers of relationships is that we all tend to present those traits and behaviors which we THINK the people we are dating or presenting ourselves to wants to see. While in many social and business settings presenting a 'mask' to hide the true self is a good idea since we are typically dealing with strangers who will not be more than an acquaintance to us.

When it comes to closer relationships, real friendships, real potential mates, we need to be a bit more honest than we usually are and allow our real self to slip through and be seen.

Let's say you two do start to date or whatever. In order to appease what you think he may want to see, so you can up the stakes in 'winning' in this, you work very hard on being careful to be tactful, carefully plotting the course that allows you to beat around bushes.

Sure, you can act for a while, and pretend to be 'that person', but that person isn't you. Eventually, 6 months, a year down the road you are exhausted with all the acting and let the bluntness start shining through - the real you steps forward.

He will end up running off to his nearest comforting ear, or shoulder to cry on and start saying things like "Mike is no longer acting like himself." or "Mike is changing in ways I don't understand." or the saddest, "I wish I had the old Mike back."

Now think about how many people have come crying on your shoulder decrying the sudden 'change' that their mate/partner has made, and them firmly believing that their mate/partner isn't being them self anymore, but has changed and become a different person.

I'm willing to bet that the majority of those cases you hear about are not real cases of a person's personality changing. Yes there are things that cause true personality changes, medications change personalities. But the majority of the time its because the person was trying to be something they were not, they successfully acted this 'character' they thought would win a person over - but we can't act 24/7 forever - eventually we have to step off the stage.

IF there is any interest on your side here, then I suggest you start being who you are. If being blunt and up front with your questions about anything is the real you, then do it.

Yes, it may scare him off, yes it may kill any chance of any relationship. BUT - if you lie about who you are and act like someone else, then the person is he attracted to is this fictional character - not you, so there was no hope of a real relationship to begin with.

Now I know you work real hard to be a bit more tactful and meet social obligations as you perceive them to mean in most interactions you have with day to day people. EVERYONE does this sort of thing - social settings demand that we fit this 'normal' range - and it works to keep businesses going, to keep the traffic going, and it keeps a lot of murders from happening. This social contract is as old as society.


Going back to the 'Why Now' question:

There is a difference between Want and Need. Humans tend to want a lot of stuff they just do not need, and tend to need a lot of stuff they do not want.

You may not want to be in a relationship, or pursue a FWB or casual sex or whatever because of reasons which stem from pat failures or experiences. Perhaps you have been in this 'I don't want it' area for so long that is just old hat, and a comfortable place to be at.

Now it may be that you actually need to have a relationship, date, FWB - whatever. Sure, you have been in the habit of staying out of intimate relationships, but maybe you actually need it at this time and life is throwing you a life preserver (even though you may not be aware you are drowning).

I don't know the whole you. I have read you and know enough to know that you are actually in a reasonably good place to pursue a relationship, date, whatever - at least based on that information you have shared. The blunter truth here is you are at a stage in your life where you are highly healthy, active, and secure enough financially, emotionally, etc to where you can expect a rather high success rate of having a healthy, prosperous relationship.

If you think that you are not in a good place to become part of an 'Us' - then I strongly suggest you sit down and compose a list or three of the pro's and con's as you perceive them to be. Then sit on the internet and look up the real statistics for your demographic and see how well others have it.

Again, based on what things you have said about yourself, I think you are a really 'lucky' guy and have your life in a far tidier state than the majority of your demographic do.

[MikeW]

..., he's obviously interested. Is there anything wrong with showing interest back? ...

Ummm.... no, of course not, but, you know me. For sure I shouldn't get into all kinds of questions about his motives or w/e... At this point, the thing for me is, do I even WANT to move this beyond saying "hi, how's it going X!" whenever I see him in class (which will be just about weekly)? It's not like I'm DYING to get laid or w/e... even if that might be a potentiality. That's the problem, I guess. I either don't know what I want or am ambivalent about it.

YOU wouldn't know anything about THAT now, woodja? :eek:

[MikeW]

He noticed you a long time ago. And I strongly suspect he has had the 'hots' for you for a long time.

:eek:

I also suspect that he is into older men because older men are more dominate, are more sure of themselves, tend to be the ones to lead, and all of these other things. Meaning he is passive/submissive with a high chance of being an introvert and most likely has been playing the Hoping Game.

OMFG if that's the case he must be some sorta head case CUZ I'm more of a passive introvert than a dominant anything (top or w/e). Grumpy old men aren't dominators, are they?

I'm into older guys myself -

Oops, ok well :| ... but "older" is one thing "ancient," is something else.

I have spent enough time in therapy to know that I am interested in the 'father figure' because I am attracted to the wiser/dominant type. And through the years I have studied up on the subject and have been told by plenty of therapists that introverts, passive/submissive types tend to favor an older partner.

One of MY therapists told me that one of the biggest challenges I'd face as a gay man was constantly being mistaken FOR A TOP! :eek: Well, yeah, I am "versatile" but I tend more toward the bottom end of the spectrum. It takes a certain, umm... not exactly sure what it is... like "bad boy" vibe or something.... to bring the top out in me. It's like I have to want to fuck the shit out of him to teach him a lesson or something.... if that makes sense. :|

Why now. Because you ain't looking, and most likely are kinda loath to even get involved with a person.

Got that right. But that doesn't quite explain it because I've been in the "not looking" zone for the past decade at least!

I have expounded on the Natural Law that love is a stalker, who follows us around and when we are least expecting it to happen (and often when we least need/want it in our lives) is sneaks up behind us and proceeds to bash our brains out with a blunt instrument. This leads to the all of the horrible insanity that love makes us do. Brain damage is a serious thing.

You are SUCH a romantic! But, yeah, especially after my last relationship, I *do* know exactly what you mean. :|

Bluntness: and other personality traits, foibles, defects of character we choose to keep.

One of the biggest killers of relationships is that we all tend to present those traits and behaviors which we THINK the people we are dating or presenting ourselves to wants to see. While in many social and business settings presenting a 'mask' to hide the true self is a good idea since we are typically dealing with strangers who will not be more than an acquaintance to us.

When it comes to closer relationships, real friendships, real potential mates, we need to be a bit more honest than we usually are and allow our real self to slip through and be seen.

Let's say you two do start to date or whatever. In order to appease what you think he may want to see, so you can up the stakes in 'winning' in this, you work very hard on being careful to be tactful, carefully plotting the course that allows you to beat around bushes.

Sure, you can act for a while, and pretend to be 'that person', but that person isn't you. Eventually, 6 months, a year down the road you are exhausted with all the acting and let the bluntness start shining through - the real you steps forward.

He will end up running off to his nearest comforting ear, or shoulder to cry on and start saying things like "Mike is no longer acting like himself." or "Mike is changing in ways I don't understand." or the saddest, "I wish I had the old Mike back."

Now think about how many people have come crying on your shoulder decrying the sudden 'change' that their mate/partner has made, and them firmly believing that their mate/partner isn't being them self anymore, but has changed and become a different person.

I'm willing to bet that the majority of those cases you hear about are not real cases of a person's personality changing. Yes there are things that cause true personality changes, medications change personalities. But the majority of the time its because the person was trying to be something they were not, they successfully acted this 'character' they thought would win a person over - but we can't act 24/7 forever - eventually we have to step off the stage.

I'm quoting you in full because that's how I see it too. I mean, for sure, I don't need to be Mr. In Your Face as I do the, "Hey X, what's up?" thing next time I see him ... any more than I would with any other casual acquaintance. BUT... if we should start "getting to know one another" even as potential "friends" it is FAR better to let the freak flag fly now than later.

IF there is any interest on your side here...

Yeah big IF on my part...

then I suggest you start being who you are. If being blunt and up front with your questions about anything is the real you, then do it.

Yes, it may scare him off, yes it may kill any chance of any relationship. BUT - if you lie about who you are and act like someone else, then the person is he attracted to is this fictional character - not you, so there was no hope of a real relationship to begin with.

Yeah, beyond the "Howdy, how's it hang'n phase," I totally agree w/ you.

Going back to the 'Why Now' question:

There is a difference between Want and Need. Humans tend to want a lot of stuff they just do not need, and tend to need a lot of stuff they do not want.

You may not want to be in a relationship, or pursue a FWB or casual sex or whatever because of reasons which stem from past failures or experiences. Perhaps you have been in this 'I don't want it' area for so long that is just old hat, and a comfortable place to be at.

Now it may be that you actually need to have a relationship, date, FWB - whatever. Sure, you have been in the habit of staying out of intimate relationships, but maybe you actually need it at this time and life is throwing you a life preserver (even though you may not be aware you are drowning).

:eek:

I don't know the whole you. I have read you and know enough to know that you are actually in a reasonably good place to pursue a relationship, date, whatever - at least based on that information you have shared. The blunter truth here is you are at a stage in your life where you are highly healthy, active, and secure enough financially, emotionally, etc to where you can expect a rather high success rate of having a healthy, prosperous relationship.

If you think that you are not in a good place to become part of an 'Us' - then I strongly suggest you sit down and compose a list or three of the pro's and con's as you perceive them to be. Then sit on the internet and look up the real statistics for your demographic and see how well others have it.

? Ummm... but who cares about THEM??

Again, based on what things you have said about yourself, I think you are a really 'lucky' guy and have your life in a far tidier state than the majority of your demographic do.

Ok, yeah, well, I dunno ... want/need -- don't-want/need-anyway, w/e LETS BE A BIT REAL... this guy I don't really know has said "hi" to me and made my acquaintance... and now the ball is in my court at the moment to show interest BACK or just sort of let things slide into, and reman in, the "gym acquaintance" zone, right? As for "life" throwing me a "life preserver," or w/e... I dunno... isn't it "magical thinking" like that, that allows -- no, more like INVITES -- Eros to slug us over the head to begin with?? Just sayin'.

[jimcrackcorn]

My motto is "never miss a chance at making new friends"........ This guy wants something from you, it could be friendship or it could be a romantic relationship!!!! Or,,, he could be an axe murderer and you are his latest target!!!

The only way to find out what he wants from you,, is to be friendly toward him and see what he does next.......... Lets hope he's looking for friendship or love,,, and not some fella who's just trying to use you.

Sincerely,
Jim

[MikeW]

...This guy wants something from you, it could be friendship or it could be a romantic relationship!!!! Or,,, he could be an axe murderer and you are his latest target!!! ...

:eek:

[JohnSomebody]

I totally agree with Kjames and Camfer's responses MikeW...I too think also that if this guy is going out of his way to make some kind of contact with you then maybe the next time he does...if the conversation is going in a good direction...perhaps you can suggest if he would like to have coffee with you and see what he says...but honestly...MikeW...I am kind of surprised that you find this guy noticing you as a being somewhat questionable or of wonderment because from what I've seen you are a very nice, distinguished looking man and very smart and wise if I may add...so I can see what the guy sees in you...you are a catch!!! but I do find your shyness and awkwardness with this situation kind of cute to say the least. It tells me how grounded you really are...I am very happy for you...keep us posted on any updates if you don't mind....JS