coming out drama in asian home lol

[LeafBlade]

I will never understand how parents willing to ruin their son/daughter's life in the name of God; a person/creature/being that they have never met even once in their lives.

Anyway let your mom and sister continue with their rants. Their rants show that they are still naive and insecure with themselves. You on the other hand should be happy because you are out. I know you're having a tough time as you are out now but at least you're out. A lot of people are still struggling to come out to their family. So be happy and proud of yourself for coming out.

Second you are an adult now. You will not be living in their shadows for the rest of your life. Prepare yourself by getting good education, good job and stabilize yourself with good finance - then move out and live independently.

If your mom and sister love you, they will accept and come to you. If not, it's their loss. You have to move on and live with yourself. It's your life to begin with. Not theirs. Don't fall for them.

I'm Asian with religious family. So I can relate too.

my sister is actually ok with this. if i wrote in a not clear manner, my apology.

[Darius]

ok so far no drama yet because mom has been busy...

but now she's commenting how I'm hiding things from her like asking why I close my door and how when she walks by my room i'm always closing things on my browser. But like... if I'm looking at porn it's none of her business?

You look at porn??? Next think you know you will be jacking off.

[NayNay]

Update? Hows it going with your mom now?

[Kenny221]

my sister is actually ok with this. if i wrote in a not clear manner, my apology.

It's good to hear that your sister is okay with your sexuality. My two older sister ( 12 and 10 years older, yeah Im kinda the baby) ended up crying the whole night. It's really crazy to realize how much control faith has over a person. The thought of me burning in hell and being discriminated against was really painful for them.

[LeafBlade]

Update? Hows it going with your mom now?

well there's nothing much so far. other than she thought my sis and i went to gay pride parade, but we were just moving her new bed that day and tired af XD

I'll post update if something happens~

[LeafBlade]

probably both venting and updating. not sure if there's any more to advise here... I mean I'm applying for full time jobs to do after my temp ends!

ok so now mom did her cry-and-talk to me thing again and i just need a place to vent and stuff. I just need to know if im taking mom for granted or im being ungrateful or whose party have issues here.
so in the same friday that she asked me about my sister's thing, she asked if i was gay and I come out. Not that i wanted to, but she took long silence and "I don't think you're emotionally ready" as a "yes, I'm gay." after that, we have had a few conversations but it's usually either too personal like asking if i had dated, had kissed, or sex, and asking if i have std basically. I thought those were too personal of questions, but her only concerns were if i have std and if i'm hiding secrets from her. On my end, I can't tell her secrets because she will probably respond with whatever she thinks it's right and not just being a listener or non judgmental.
Anyways, she thinks that im missing something to be straight, despite I tell her that nothing is wrong. at first i have to tell her not to blame herself for not giving me something that makes me straight during womb. then she was saying how maybe my testicle surgery (sorry if TMI, but I had one removed), or her divorce with my dad, that caused me to be gay. I keep on telling her no, and how people with both parents or either of single parents can be gay. Then I think she is still on trying to find a reason. she thinks that i am not being sure myself, and that she wanted to find a professional to see if i really am gay. she's also saying how like anal sex cause you to unable to hold poop for live, or how gay sex causes std. I haven't told her that there's other types of sex besides anal sex, and that gay people aren't the only ones with std. she also asked me if i watch porn but im like most men do it, even some women do it statistically. she replied with she don't watch porn. (well, i didn't say you but other women)
so she had a car accident a few days ago when it was rainy, and she's like how it's my fault basically that im gay and she was over thinking. >_> she also thinks that it's because i don't like being commented about how similar I am to my dad. I defended that the reason I don't like it, is because my mom only comments how similar I am to my dad when it's something negative. never the positive.
lastly was how if i marry a girl im ruining her life, which i wont be doing anyways. or how if i have anal sex, pre marital sex, im ruining my life/killing myself/sinning for getting std/disobeying God/getting rectal prolapse/idk what else.
(the christian part was stuff like celibacy but no gay sex, or how pre marital sex is a sin. well i haven't tell her Im atheist so it's none of her problem.)
OK i think the gay part is over...
now for the family drama part.
ok so currently im 22 and still living with her.
my mom was saying how my sis and i will be moving out and won't take care of her when she's old and taking her for granted. that she'll move back to her birthland for healthcare and hire a maid to take care of her since we won't be doing it... and how she don't want to be abused in the elderly homes, and then cited some news about some elderly person in an elderly home not an asia got beat up by the workers. she is saying how she sacrificed for me to live with her and how she could be eating without cooking for my portion or how she could have gone back. (IDK why she didn't just stick with her words, not the first time she say she not cooking my part.) then she says how i should get up earlier on weekend to learn driving with her because it's convenient for her. (im sorry but i like staying up late? more on this later)
ok so first, my mom said how she thinks it's... idk the word, but it's something means like the end but with negative connotation translated to english (like ended on sour note)... that my sister don't give my mom her address, and how my sis don't talk to her and stuff. then she went on how she and I haven't talk a lot for the past few years, but tbh it's usually just her mostly talking, expressing her opinion, subtly forcing her views onto me, and some guilting/blaming me for doing something. I don't trust my secret with her because she usually jumps on her POV and if not, judgmental and not really listening. she was kind of lamenting on the not talking and not telling secret part and how we're distancing, but never really go into WHY i wouldn't trust her or talk to her. the only reason she could think was that she think that we think that she's repetitive or nagging, but not for things like her attitude and words.
then, she's saying how im 22 and not independent enough. but i can only drive local area and i feel like she set up in a way that i need to depend on her to survive, and then cry later how she's tired and sacrificing... >_< like right now she wanted me to get up early to drive with her, but when im waking late it's my fault for sleeping late and on computer a lot.
oh, and she's like how we're ungrateful to her for not responding to her or taking her for granted. She listed how she didn't hit us or other physical abuse. I was like, there are other kinds of abuse. Then she listed mental abuse that's not the thing she does like manipulation or dismissing our achievement or emotion elicited. I don't understand how do you talk about it and then don't see it yourself?
ok, it's getting late and i"m kind of forgetting. but once again, it was just her talking mostly and telling how she feels and view things, and trying to make me view the same, and asking personal questions as a way of caring. I feel like my mom just like the act talking/sitting together but not the internal chemistry behind it. like it feels empathetic.
sorry for long rant. sorry to make you read all of this.

[MikeW]

Your mother is a mess. Seriously , she is. I don't know what to tell you, really. You could just print out what you've written here and give it to her so at least you will have said how you see things. Whether she'll actually read it and "listen"… I'd guess probably not. But at least you would have said what you need to.

I'll also advise that sticky family nuttiness like this can't be resolved in a day or two or a week or two. It is an on-going problem that will probably always be there so long as your mother is in your life. So at some point you're going to have to set boundaries with her and (the hard part) police those boundaries. I had to set limits with my parents… AND I moved half way across the country from them and have never regretted it.

[Darius]

I think this is more a cultural thing than anything else. She is afraid that you will leave her and she wants to be sure you are there for her all her life. That is common in asian tradition, right? Jewish guilt, asian guilt, whatever, it's about controlling you.
Reassure her that you love her and won't abandon her even when you make a life for yourself, but you just can't be her little boy all your life.

[LeafBlade]

well mom just now said she won't eat on friday night to fast and pray and help me. welp

[JackTX]

Awww, leafy :/

I already gathered from what you told me before that she is, as Mike said, Kind Of A Mess. My own parents weren't super supportive when I came out, and though they're not religious, they are conservative. It hasn't been easy seeing them drift into Fox News-land over recent years. I finally had to seprate myself from them but that wasn't just one thing. There was a lot of drama and divorces when I was younger and none of them are good communicators of problems/feelings. Consequently, neither am I.

Anyway, it sounds like she's ruled by her fears... fear of god's wrath, fear of abandonment by her children, fear that she played a part in you being abnormal (how she sees it), etc. Maybe you can help her to confront those and maybe you can't. It may take a long time with no uncertain result. You'll have to decide how much energy you can give there.

You will always be her baby, but you are also a grown man now and she needs to respect that YOU get to make your own choices about who to be with, who can make you happy. If she doesn't, she has no right to ask you to be around when she gets old. Family isn't supposed to be just food/shelter/clothing or a ball and chain.

It sounds like you've already discussed it quite a bit with her, so maybe the best you can do for now is to just show her that you're still well-adjusted, still normal. Make sure she knows that you still want all of the same things from life (except women). If you want kids, maybe you can tell her that. She may be thinking she won't get as many grandchildren.

When you do get a boyfriend, make sure he treats her like fucking gold if they meet (very respectful, deferential, etc.). Have him tell her that you talk about her (positively) all the time. Seeing you happy with someone she can't help but like may cause a shift of attitude neither of you expected!

I wish you all the luck here