coming out drama in asian home lol

[LeafBlade]

I don't know which order to start but I'll promise to hit enter key and paragraphs periodically.

so there has been tension in my family lately between my mom and my sis, which caused my mom to be emotional. which led to her asking me questions about my sis and eventually ask me if i was gay. first there was a long pause which she takes as a yes. then i said she wasn't emotionally ready which she also take it as a yes. (she was teary by the time she ask me after other questions.) and so I just told her straight up I'm gay.

then she asks me about sex, dating, std, relationships. To which I said no to all, and how std can be a thing that straight people get too. I kind of did oral with a guy I guess, but I told her no even though she thinks i'm lying (none of her business anyways). Then she kept on asking me next few days if I have std or sex... >_< i got tested for free on my campus that I am not, but she still thinks that I am. But then I still wouldn't tell her anyways, because she seems to be trying to find a cause, a reason, an explanation of why I was gay.

Now backtrack. My parents were divorced around middle school. I discovered my orientation around middle school and don't come to term with it till college. My family is Chinese, Cantonese chinese. and my mom is Evangelical conservative so to speak.

okay so, everything she said was basically christian way and I don't know what to do. She seems to be trying to find a reason, explanation, a cause why I'm gay. She thinks that I was raped or something, which never happened. Or someone touched me, which also didn't happen. She also thinks i'm looking at too much porn (which could be true), and therefore I am gay (which I don't think it works this way). She's also saying how I'm deviating from God (I haven't tell her I'm atheist.) She was saying how gay sex is disgusting. (straight sex isn't apparently.) She was also saying how if I marry or date a guy, it's sin against God. The things basically seems to be about gay sex. Also that she thinks the divorce affects me psychologically because I lacked a father figure.... but I'm not that close bond with my dad before divorce anyways, so I'm barely affected??

we went to church today (ugh) and she was saying how I'm not paying attention. well, duh, I'm atheist and i haven't tell her. Just now she said she googled some things and how people have psychological issues that caused them to be healed from being gay, which makes me skeptical because it sounds like those christian biased things. (no offense to christians, but I grew up in one so I can detect that)

I am not exactly sure what to do. My mom plans to go to Lifeway and buy some books. I think it's time to pull up the Matthew Vines video? I skipped a lot of Prayers for Bobby and the documentary For the Bible tells me so. Should I show them to her as well? I also plan to go by lgbt center tomorrow and get some pamphlet.

but like, how do I un-ingrain her mind that gay people isn't just about sex and anal sex and STD?? and that it isn't a sin at all as she thinks it is?

I'm sorry if I'm repeating but I think I forget to say that my mom is also thinking of getting a counselor to fix me or cure me because she thinks I have a psychological concern, which is because she read about people being cured. (I'm skeptical of that) idk what to do either... Ugh

Idk if I forget other details or points but if I do I'll do it later

[NayNay]

First of all. I Know that you were not emotionally ready to come out, but you are out to your mom now, so congrats! You should fee proud that you are sticking up for yourself, while still listening to your mom and being considerate.

You are on the right path with how you are planning to help your mom. I am not going to pretend I am an expert at this either, I've had a lot of LGBT asian friends and a few that were love interests. I know how bad there parents can react to the news.

You just need to remind yourself to be patient, because there is no magical fix to this, and it's going to take time for your mom to adjust to the fact that you are gay. Be patient with her and with yourself and try not to let her reactions get the best of you.

Be patient, kind and loving. Give her support by giving her the information that you just mentioned, and you will be well on your way.

[Lexington]

[QUOTE=LeafBlade;569620Then she kept on asking me next few days if I have std or sex... >_< i got tested for free on my campus that I am not, but she still thinks that I am. But then I still wouldn't tell her anyways, because she seems to be trying to find a cause, a reason, an explanation of why I was gay.[/quote]

This would seem to be more than a little backwards. It's one thing to think gay men are more likely (or, perhaps in your mother's mind, absolutely likely) to have an STI, but I'm not sure how she would think you having an STI would MAKE you gay.

[quote]She also thinks i'm looking at too much porn (which could be true), and therefore I am gay (which I don't think it works this way). [/quote]

LOTS of straight guys look at a LOT of porn...and very few of them ever even bother looking at gay porn, let alone decide that they're gay. If anything, the porn we choose to view can be indicative of what your sexuality might be. To oversimplify, we're not gay because we look at gay porn - we look at gay porn because we're gay.

[quote]just now she said she googled some things and how people have psychological issues that caused them to be healed from being gay, which makes me skeptical because it sounds like those christian biased things. (no offense to christians, but I grew up in one so I can detect that) [/quote]

The absolute best "gay reparation therapy" group in the country boasts a success rate of 0%. They do boast a much higher success rate at "making gay guys feel guilty" (and worse), and a nearly 100% success rate at separating parents and worried gay people from their paychecks.

[quote]but like, how do I un-ingrain her mind that gay people isn't just about sex and anal sex and STD?? and that it isn't a sin at all as she thinks it is?[/quote]

Easy answer - you don't. Giving her the pamphlets, and giving her this link are all good ideas. Maybe she'll give it some more thought. But if she chooses to cling to her incorrect theories, there's no magical way to get her to "unstick". Your best bet is to live a happy, healthy, kick-ass life...and demonstrate to her that being gay is no handicap to doing so.

Lex

[LeafBlade]

omg
she's like asking me who teach me to grab those brochure
and she's like how she only believes in the bible interpretation of homosexuality
and say how she read leviticus and how im going to die with another man
and she ask me about if i have sex again and i said no and she's trying to get me to confess and i said no. then she's like how she's disappointed

[MikeW]

I don't know. At this point I'd be inclined to say, "Look, mom, what I do with my penis, how often I do it and with whom I do it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

She pushed her way through a boundary you weren't ready to cross. Now she is attacking you which is precisely WHY you kept this a secret from her for so long. She needs to know that you are NOT going to change no matter what she says or does. This is who you are and now she has a choice, either come to terms with it or leave you alone. If it comes to it, I'd find some way to move as far away from her as possible and have as little to do with her as you can. Yeah, I know, that's harsh. But she needs to understand that YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO A LIFE OF YOUR OWN WITHOUT HER MEALY MINDED MEDDLING. And this is true, regardless of whether you're gay or straight or w/e.

Sorry, I just have no patience for parents who are so ignorant about human sexuality that they FREAK OUT when they hear their children have sex lives.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

She loves Google so much, allow me to give you a few interesting Google Searches:

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=Gay...g+churches

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=Gay...+the+bible

Lastly, as to who's fault this is, its hers (most likely) and Google tells us so:

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=Mot...osexuality



Look, I get it, her precious baby with all of the future plans of white weddings, wife, grandchildren that we most likely already set before you came screaming into the world has been shattered.

However, there is only so far denial will go. Sure, denial is a fast flowing, long assed river - but it has to end.

Since Mom does this 'Asian mom drama' thing, you need to bite back and hard and show her the web searches and websites that she ain't going to like. I can assure you, she has spent a long time looking for those sites that affirm her personal take, such as 'therapy' to cure the gay.

So she got that side of the story she wanted, now she has to listen to the other side of the story, the side she desperately wants to ignore.

If push comes to shove you need to say 'Mom, I love ya and all of that, but honestly until you stop the drama/emotional thinking and look at this rationally and use logic and look at the other side, we ain't talking about this subject no more.

As for test results - get them, show her you tested (just for her).

Now I have no idea what your life plan is, if you have dreams of monogamy and one long term relationship - tell her that that is what you desire most of all in life. Tell her your vision of marrying a guy, maybe fostering children (adopting?) to give her grandchildren.

See the thing is that straights have this terrible impression of what gays want in life, because the few of us who are all about the sex and hatred of God and all of that are thrown out as the example that we all must be like.

Heck, if it helps, link her to this site and have us tell her how we feel about life in general and the things we seek in life (Mongamy, LTR, children, etc. etc. etc.)

She needs to know that homo-normal is pretty much similar to hetero-normal - meaning we all bleed when pricked, we all feel a need to bond and pair off, and most of us have not successfully ripped out our biological clocks, thus want to raise children.

As for Anglican Churches, yes there are two sides to that - perhaps she can bring her self to going to a LGBT affirming Church and just talk to the pastor/minister there sometime and hear the other side.

[Lexington]

and she ask me about if i have sex again and i said no and she's trying to get me to confess and i said no. then she's like how she's disappointed

"Mom, since you seem so interested in it, I promise you - every time I have sex, I'll send you pictures."

Lex

[LeafBlade]

@ bow

the thing about the third link is, what my mom kind of hinted and blamed herself for not giving me whatever that is, that makes me straight.

and i actually didn't get tested for her, it was just free on campus for students so I thought why not.


the thing is that she's so hard on her iron bible hand that i'm not even sure if showing gay positive bible interpretation would work. she's probably think it's Satan using bible to test her or something >_>

[LeafBlade]

"Mom, since you seem so interested in it, I promise you - every time I have sex, I'll send you pictures."

Lex

I don't think humor would work right now.

she literally gets teary within 5 minutes of talking to me about this subject....

[NayNay]

oh man that sucks *hugs* we are here for you!

Maybe you should also look into a local support group for yourself on dealing with parents when your forced to come out of the closet. Maybe a LGBT centre in the area that provides free counseling? Unless you find the online forum enough to talk about this