coming out drama in asian home lol

[LeafBlade]

not much update on gay thing nor looking for advise but im just ranting, okay?

1) my mom is subtly trying to get me back to church by having me drive on Sunday. As much as I need driving practice, I don't want to really go back to the church scene again. I havent told her I'm atheist though.

2) so before I come out as gay, she thinks every girl i'm with is my girlfriend, if not so paranoid that everyone's out to rape me. Now after I come out gay, she thinks every guy i'm with is a boyfriend and wants to fuck me. WHAT KIND OF TWISTED THINKING IS THIS> I understand that caution to not be raped, but like EVERYONE?

3) she did this thing again where she wanted to go to some place with her friends. while it's still in planning, she frame the statement and say it like i already said yes. I flat out told her I don't want to go. I don't understand, how do you skip a step that is simple as asking if I want to go first. the entire process of her telling me just assumes that i am going.
and then when i say no, she say that she don't feel ok leaving me alone bc probably reason like im going to have sex.

[MikeW]

LOL Your mother is a mess, but we've already established that.

My question is, when is 22yo son moving out? Make plans buddy!! Focus on it, make it happen. We're here to help!

[LeafBlade]

LOL Your mother is a mess, but we've already established that.

My question is, when is 22yo son moving out? Make plans buddy!! Focus on it, make it happen. We're here to help!

im working on temp job now and still applying for full time job.

given how my sister was with us for a few years after she graduate to move out, i might need some time too...

yeah.

[MikeW]

[MENTION=20942]LeafBlade[/MENTION], that's a good start. I'm wondering what other kinds of support networks are available to you... Have you looked into what kind of LGBTwtfe social/support organizations or groups are near you? What I'm thinking is, what you need is to find someone you can share an apartment with ASAP. Doesn't have to be a BF, just a flat mate, someone to share rent. Or, maybe there are people looking for room-mates. I'd start looking at the ads and see what is out there... it would give me an idea of the going rents for one thing.

Also, what kind of work are you looking for (what do you do, if you don't mind me asking).

[LeafBlade]

ahahahaaha. my mom would think i have a BF regardless what i tell here lol

and as much as i want to move out, i need to develop some independence skills and finding a job. like there's no way im moving out while working part time.

rent and bills and food arent cheap lol

and i barely have 15xx in my bank, WHICH IS STILL LINKED TO MY MOM

[LeafBlade]

ok so, this thing with mom happened again.. i'll just try to do it in order
MEGA RANT AHEAD (i guess also dub as my half journal)

1) she wants to buy a new car, for her, and then transfer her corolla to me and sell the echo im using (ok im paying none of the cars so far). she just briefly told me that she wants me to go with her this weekend to co sign for her car. she said that she has money but it's a few thousands. at first i was repulsed and i asked questions, then she seem to get offended like im mistrusting her or being suspicious of her. what i dont appreciate is that she jsut tell me to go with her with no explanation whatsoever.

and then this escalated to other topics that i think i wrote on here already

2) she still thinks that being gay is sinful. according to her being gay is a serious offense compared to anger or something like that. then she says how she wants me to go back to church on sunday with her, on some second baptist church in Houston, ALSO as an opportunity for me to practice driving. as much as i need practice driving, i dont want go to church. then she's saying how like there's temptations and demons in this world blah blah blah, and how basically im being tempted by demons or something, well maybe not on that line...

(PS. I don't think I need Jesus)

3) the line she was saying is that I am weak minded, but she thinks that she and my sister are strong minded. because apparently my sister gets what she want even if it leads to fight with her. but im weak minded apparently? (and i barely start my career let alone getting what i wanted?) she make a comparison of something like going through cancer or (i cant remember) other things that can be go through via a strong mind. so i need a strong mind now to got through gay phase or something...

4) she also thinks that being gay is a painful and sad thing. she's saying how anal sex is painful. then cite this hong kong celeb who did gay things before rising to be a star, and how he got rectal prolapse or something and poops on his pants while trying out pants in a store. then she's saying, if not framing her words, like how i would hurt someone if im not sure if im gay or not and marry a girl. and then goes to ask if i think about my future, how it will be LONELY and sad because im gay. (I dont know why i didn't retort with anything about imagining someone's future in negative light.) and basically something along the line that i will be miserable being gay yadda yadda

5) then she went back to the family drama thing, where she ask me if i know my sis was being suicidal. Which I know, but my sis's suicidal was the line that my sis feels suicidal when she's with mom. I don't know how the second part got dropped in my mom's head. maybe it was willful neglect? then mom goes to tell me that i should resolve with my sister so that if my sis kills herself i wouldn't feel regret. BUT technically my sis had issues with mom and I didn't say anything that makes me sis dislikes mom. My mom also goes to blame me for pushing gossips around, but I DIDNT. well maybe if you count how how i tell my sis what my mom said but i consider that as confiding. Like does my mom just expects that she can say whatever she wants to me and expect me to not tell anyone like everything is normal?

6) then later on like maybe 30 mins later, she ask me if what she said hurts my feeling, i didnt say anything. she said maybe? something like it hurts but it's the truth or something. (i completely forget what it was, but something made me cringe as usual because it basically summarizes into "only from her POV and what she believes") then she comments how we eat separately now (aka as usual on our own computer) and how we don't talk much. im just going in my head that THERE'S a reason I don't tell you things. SIgh. I mean I don't trust her with telling things anymore because 100% of the time it concerns only what she thinks and how she feels and how she interprets. Let's just drop anything defense I said. and it's not really a conversation but more like lecture.

ok end of rant.

[MikeW]

... Like does my mom just expects that she can say whatever she wants to me and expect me to not tell anyone like everything is normal?

....im just going in my head that THERE'S a reason I don't tell you things. SIgh. I mean I don't trust her with telling things anymore because 100% of the time it concerns only what she thinks and how she feels and how she interprets. Let's just drop anything defense I said. and it's not really a conversation but more like lecture.

I understand you're just letting off steam here and this is doubling as a kind of rant/journal but your tale really gets me angry. My anger comes from my own abuse, mostly from my father -- and him not even *knowing* I was gay.

I've already said most everything I can think to say but, dude, you have to start setting boundaries with your mother. She is ABUSING you. It may not be physical, but she is abusing you mentally and emotionally. Abuse is abuse, regardless of its form and it does leave scars. I know this for a fact.

Some of the things you say here to "us"... you need to start saving to HER. You need to tell her how you REALLY feel about her bullshit abuse. You need to make it clear that you will not tolerate her homophobic ignorance any longer. If she can't accept you as her son, as a real, live, human being with a good heart and a good soul, then that is HER problem, not yours.

If I were you, I'd be telling her to shut the fuck up; that I don't want to hear ANYTHING she has to say, especially about religion and homosexuality, because she's obviously a miss-informed, bigoted, ignorant, superstitious bitch. You may not have to use such foul language (then again, maybe that is exactly what you need to do); but what you DO need to do is get in touch with YOUR TRUTH... your emotional truth... the kind of things you post here... and not be afraid to not only SAY it but EXPRESS it so she sees exactly what you think and how you feel.

I was 19 years old when I finally SCREAMED at my father and told the son of a bitch to go fuck himself. No, he did NOT take it well but by that time I really didn't give a fuck. I needed to say it.

I don't expect telling your mom your truth will make one bit of difference to how she thinks; but that is just it: This is not about HER... this is about YOU and you standing up for yourself. She is BULLYING you, manipulating you, using you, and abusing you verbally with threats of an unhappy life and, worse, damnation in hell. SHE HAS NO RIGHT to say such things to anyone, but especially not to her son. It isn't right and its unacceptable.

Finally, if you don't want to co-sign on a car with your mom, then DO NOT DO IT. Doing so only ties you to her financially; and you're already too tied to her already. You know you need to be getting away from her-- that should be one of your primary aims. Don't do ANYTHING that indepts you to her or to a third party through her. And, yeah, you have EVERY reason to be suspicious of her motives.

[Cridders88]

What [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] said ^^. The longer you let your Mum talk to you like this, the more of a damaging effect it will have on you. She has no right to treat you this way over something you can't control. I know you've said you don't have the means to move out yet, but I would be making plans to do so as soon as possible.

[JackTX]

[MENTION=20942]LeafBlade[/MENTION]

I don't know what's worse, no communication or talking past each other like this.

I agree so much that you need to get the hell out of there. Your mom being obsessed with your sex life at your age is whacked. But you're dependent on her so you have no choice but to be stuck in this dysfunctional cyclone. I don't think it's healthy for you at all. These are going to be some bad years to look back on as you grow older.

Maybe you guys should go talk to a therapist together. Not some freaky anti-gay/conversion one, a normal one. It may actually help with some of the communication issues. I don't have any advice for an uber-controlling mom. My own was mostly only interested in herself and the daughter she always dreamed of having (who turned out to be a butch lesbian.. good one, karma!).

And why do you need to practice driving? :p

[LeafBlade]

going backward to reply

RE jack:

at this point i don't know if it's jsut christians or my mom in general who is interested in other people's sex lives. because when my mom does talk on the phone loudly wth her christian friends, it's basically just gossiping who and who's children aren't behaving like god righteous children and disobedient by not following their parents' words to the tee.

im sorry if this offends any christian out there but im digressing

RE criddler and mike,

ok, so. talking back to her will prob be the hardest part because A) I am not sure if she's capable of empathy with her own children. (oh, she will ask her friends' wellbeings and stuff on the phone but not our feelings), B) apparently talking back to her is consider disobedient and you're supposed to take whatever BS she says, and C) i think she's the kind who is trying to win/force an argument instead of reasoning. I mean some stuff I haven't wrote on the post I did argue back with my mom when she was talking about the sins of marital sex, like how one of her hong kong SUPER RELIGIOUS christian friend's son is living with his gf. I kept arguing back about how two people hanging together don't necessarily will have sex, how two people living together will not necessarily have sex, etc. but she still trying to make her point that premarital sex is a sin (worse than manipulation apparently.)

of course, it will be hard to directly say that she's manipulative, because her denial level is so fucking strong. some weeks or months ago I said that she's a negative person, then in that talk and another recent talk she starts using what I said (aka the word negative) to say how I"M the one who is negative but she and sis are positive.

sorry to digress, I think one time i even had to explain to her that guys i hangout with aren't going to have sex with me or rape me. I don't understand how to ingrain to her that two people may or may not be compatible and aren't horny walking organs looking to bone anything that's close. (i think im digressing again) but yeah, maybe i will try again, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA IF SHE EVEN LISTENS OR TRY TO LISTENS. because a lot of times she go back to whatever idea she have.

(aside, as a biotech major, im also a bit annoyed by her ignorance on GMO, like one time i overheard/she talks loudly about how tomatoes have spider genes to prevent spiders from biting onto them. Like, seriously, genes don't work that way. but explaining to her is like a timebomb waiting for her "so you think I am dumb" retort)

lastly, for the car thing. after seeking response from several places, I think I might do it. but at the same time i'm worried that later on she'll pull something like "I'm broke for this payment please help me pay for the car because I raised you from baby to adult and therefore you should be grateful" excuse. and digressing again, I thought gratefulness is supposed to come from the person who receives action and want to repay? It shouldn't be a thing that you flat out ask how grateful the other person should be and then NAME the item/whatever you want? I have no idea what shit storm will happen if i say it to her. WELL, like most of the time I just give monosyllabic response whenever my mom talks until she leaves because at no point she will bothers to stop and ask about the other person's POV.
I only have 6k student loan left and if I start saving after I get a job, I could likely still finish the loan in a year or two assuming my mom don't pull anything financial BS on me.

thogh one more trickier thing than car would be that my bank account is still tied to her in that Bank of America thing. I was a dumbass. I wasn't awake and realize how toxic my mom is. and surprisingly before I find GS, some of my other online friendquaintances also say that my mom is toxic, manipulative, and crazy.

and then... I think I have told her a few times that I know that i am not straight. but many times she still went back to saying "you're not sure if you're gay" argument, which I feel like if she does it again I should tell her that you can't tell another person what to think because this is ridiculous. she's also still trying to find reason or proofs like my testicular surgery, some hormonal imbalance, or even went to ask if my dick can erect or ejaculate, or it's the divorce, or something, whatever reason, that makes me gay.

and one thing about the replying to not going to church thing that im iffy about is that, I still haven't told her I'm atheist. a friend told me that I am an adult and i have a choice to not go to church. but IDK what would be the best response to tell her, sigh.

Im just... my mind is exhausted with her. a lot times lately im replaying conversations in my head to check my memory. like one talk ago she was asking if I am hiding secrets from her and stuff, MEANWHILE my sis and I just found out recently (~1 year ago) that her parents adopted her, and that I asked her and that she got her associate degree from a different college, because this entire time she just slant it as she got it from another college by talking about how she met my dad and the chinese foreign students group back in her days as friends.

but her idea of family unity and tightness seems shallow as fuck. she's like how I don't talk to her anymore or how I don't eat with her anymore, or how we don't spend a lot of time together. How do you expect me to when Im more at peace without her?

and im sorry to digress so much, one last thing i swear. one time she also asked me if i was texting or like going online asking for help. just asking if i was doing that. IDK what does that imply but it's bothering me.

tl;dr
im not sure if mom is capable of listening or trying to understand her children bc she obv treat her friends waaay differently.

EDIT: im sorry if im writing too much. sometimes i think im just irritated everytime my mom opens her mouth in general.
like she ask me if i heard about the news of this toronto chinese girl hiring hitmen to kill her parents bc family reasons. then she just ask if my sis and i were gonna kill her. Is this how normal people read the news or just my mom? read a news and asking if what happen in the news would happen to her, instead of like, say, if you don't want to be killed maybe act as a better person?