I Feel Convenient

[fallingintojew]

So this guy and I started talking 7 months ago, and we're still talking today. It has never advanced past "talking" in the label department. He lives 2 1/2 hours away and is a junior in college, and I am a senior in high school. We see each other at least once a month, usually more. We have had sex a couple times, and I have spent the night at his house before. We use terms of endearment towards each other (cutie, babe, etc.) and we even say "I love you." Clearly after several months of this, I want to be able to call him my boyfriend, but he always has a reason to not make that commitment.

Today I have reached my breaking point. I brought it up to him that I am not here to wait until he is ready, and it isn't fair for either of us for me to wait any longer. His response was "It can go further, and I want it to, but I also want you to have a fair chance at being in college/high school and not having to plan your life around me. If you do end up here, and we decide to date, I'd love that, but I can't torture myself by dating someone that lives so far away. I did that in high school and I don't want to anymore."

My question is: Do you think I'm just convenient for him or do I really have a chance in this becoming a serious relationship? I mean, I've put in this much time, so wouldn't it just be a waste to call it quits now?

[Beaux]

His response was "It can go further, and I want it to, but I also want you to have a fair chance at being in college/high school and not having to plan your life around me. If you do end up here, and we decide to date, I'd love that, but I can't torture myself by dating someone that lives so far away. I did that in high school and I don't want to anymore."


The above quote from your post succinctly expresses how he feels, with both consideration of your feelings and a logical, reality-based expression of the situation he finds himself in with you. Which part of it do you have a problem understanding...?

Personally, I feel that you lack the maturity for an adult relationship at this point.

~Beaux

[East]

Just based on what you said..you both have valid points...so no...I don't think it is really a case of convenience....

In my opinion...it boils down to what it is you want...and what is or isn't OK with you...and only you can answer that.....

...and that kind of question is hard because your answer today might be different than it will be in a month.,..or a year...so maybe just focus on today...and what you are going to be OK with...

He does have a point as well...HS and college is a time when ALOT of things change...and it sounds like he wants to give you space...and it is a good idea IMO....

It sounds to me like you are both decent guys so I hope you work it out and move forward,,,

Good Luck!

[Virge]

The title on this thread put me off... Now I've read it, It's something I pretty much am an expert on.... being young and stupid with a warped idea of what makes a relationship. I'm not going to go through my resume on this shit because I know every GS member is tired of hearing it...

In three paragraphs you didn't even hint about how to "feel" about the guy......... That's a big thing. I KNOW strong relationships can work out from the age differences you and your guy have because me and mine are living proof of it. But most don't work out and a big part of that is the way the human brain matures. This is going to be hard for you to hear but at 17 there's no such thing as a human brain capable of making completely rational decisions especially about "love."

Go to youtube and search for "teen brain"........ tons of great videos about it.

BUT...... your ultimatum to him is a no brainer. You made it easy and almost necessary for him to give the response he gave. Not good. I'm not sure how you can go back and fix that if you want to try to make a long term relationship out of it. You threw all the responsibility on him and he shucked it. He's a smart guy.

The age difference when my guy and I met was 19 - 22 (almost 23) so I can relate your situation. My brain at 19 was about where yours is at 17. His brain maturity was up in the 30's and I'm thankful for that now and see how smart he was and still is. He had the smarts to keep me restricted to his FWB zone -- encouraged me to date other guys (even though I didn't want to) until my brain matured (and I was able to make long range plans and commitments and not letting hormones and impulses dictate my life)

I'm willing to help you if you want to make a relationship out of it but from you wrote it's more like you only want to vent about things. I'll check back to see if you elaborate on things.

[fallingintojew]

He and I recently discussed the difference in maturity levels and how we should go about dealing with the issues at hand. Everything went fine and we aren't on bad terms. In fact, we used the same solution that Virge suggested.

"I really think you truly care about me and love me and want the best for me. I think that's why you made the decision to not get too serious. I don't think it's out of convenience or you would have dropped me after a few fucks. Seven months, especially as close as we have been, is way beyond any sort of "convenience." I'm young, not even out of high school yet, and you're the only person I've ever had feelings for. Clearly I'm not saying I should frolic about and fuck every gay within a 100 mile radius but I think it's good of you to not enclose my boundaries. I think that you are afraid of controlling me, or you're afraid that after I graduate and go off, I might find someone better (highly unlikely because you're amazing) I think you just want me to have the opportunity to discover my options, and if that option turns out to be you, that's wonderful. I see where you're coming from, and I'm sorry for taking out my insecurities on you. You don't deserve that."

This was how I reacted to his response, and I'm hoping I didn't sound too childish! Haha! I actually do think it was a good idea to not commit at this point in either of our lives. We're both incredibly busy people, it's a long distant thing, the maturity difference, etc, are all factors as to why it isn't a good idea to get too serious. I understand that I was being pretty petty by the way I was acting, and I apologized for that as well. I did get a cute response back, "You're so smart and perfect and I love you. Thank you for being mature and such."

I guess we'll see how this all turns out, and hey, if it doesn't, there's always someone else out there who can make me happy, right?