Loneliness is bad

[Anonymous]

Loneliness caught me again. And when it does, it's usually very bad for me. I don't even know why that happens, it just does. It happens when I start thinking about things from the past or things to come. Life goals that I didn't attain, life goals that are hard for me to attain.

I wasn't always like this. When I was a kid, I was so happy, I was a playful soul, always eager to meet new people. I didn't mind about anything. A free spirit, you might call it. Through time, I've lost that joyful attitude, that constant open-eyed dreaming, after realizing that dreams are just that: dreams. Being a dreamer can be a blessing and a curse: you're there hoping and working on something that will inevitably break you. It can turn into an actual nightmare, if you invest into that dream on an emotional level. Now I feel I'm about to relive that kind of life-wrecking disappointment that will make me miserable again.

For a long time, I made the mistake of keeping people away because I was afraid they'd find out about me. Now all I have left is a bunch of acquaintances and two, maybe three real, caring friends. Not enough when things start falling apart.

With no one else to talk to about it, I ask for your help. Also, do you know any pen pal service for LGBT people? I've thinking about it for years now and I would really love to have a pen pal at this time in my life. It feels like the right time.

[LONDONER]

Well, I don't know of a pen pal service specifically for LGBT people but before you can move ahead you will have to give more details of yourself; where you're from, sex, age, occupation etc., so that people can have some idea of who they're writing to. Give some idea of your interests also.

Sorry that you're feeling lonely. I often find myself alone but I am never lonely. I'm one of those rare people who is very comfortable in my own company. I have a small group of friends (friends as opposed to acquaintances), some near, some in other countries. The ones in other counmtries I correspond with on a fairly regular basis and then once in a while I visit them when I have the time and money.

Don't feel lonely, there are plenty of people here on GS willing to help.

[Anocxu]

Most of us go through periods in our lives when we become frustrated...
..If you've gone throug the forums you'll see so many of us here dealing with serious issues.

Alright ..let's dig in..
You described separate issues here..

Loneliness <====
Dreams <====
Being Closeted <===
Seeking acceptance <====

Loneliness
^^^^^^^^
You are choosing to be lonely if you have friends that care...
So they don't know you're gay?
Are you saying they'll ALL abandon you if they find out?

Pick up the phone call someone..interact!!
No use being alone if you want someone around!

Dreams and Goals
^^^^^^^
Hey ..we have tp work hard at what we want .
It's not easy, it's frustrating ..

>>If you've lost your way..tell us how..There is an amazing group of guys here that can help<<<

The closet
^^^^^^
Give us some more info on your social environment..

>>See the threads posted on coming out..
>>Is there one of your trusted friends you can confide in?

Acceptance / Penpals
^^^^^^^^
How about sticking with us?
You can pick up your phone / Tablet/ computer..and keep posting here..

Do people really still have pen pals?

Anyway..
Keep posting here..
There some brilliant guys around here that are truly caring and helpful .

Hope it works out!

[Steve]

I understand what you're saying and to some extent how you're feeling even without all the details. I've written posts describing how I feel that are much the same, although I wasn't asking for help but instead had only the need to write it all out and GaySpeak (lucky them) was the place I chose to muck out some of the stuff in my head.

I have a therapist that does the heavy lifting, making sense from my delusion and mania. She's good at her job and I'm all the luckier for it. Unless I am in an emergent state of mind, between visits to her I can come to GaySpeak and post. Helping other people deal with problems, even if I'm only pointing out the obvious, can go a long way toward making me feel better about myself.

Sometimes the very worst of my bipolar/depression/anxiety mess happens when I'm "living" inside my head for too long. By that I mean to say that I spend too much time lost in my own thoughts; over thinking certain parts of my life both past and present. Admittedly I'm making an assumption here, but based on the way you write -how you've written it which feels very familiar to me- I think that self-isolation and living inside your head (which leads to feelings of loneliness and despair) may be what you're experiencing as well. I'm not saying that you are bipolar (I'm not even half qualified to say something like that), only that the cause of the feelings you're experiencing can often stem from self-isolation and too much self examination of your own thoughts. I am intimately familiar with that experience.

When I go down the rabbit hole I can spend long periods of time lost in a never ending string of thoughts, and inevitably for me the thoughts trend toward negative aspects of my present and past. One negative memory leads to the next. I even have to be careful ITRW and here at GS that I don't internalize what people say, or comments they make based on something I've said or written (which people often misinterpret). If I take comments to heart I can spiral down into über paranoia, alternating with self doubt and depression. This path, for me, leads to self-isolation and loneliness.

The trick, I've learned, is to consciously redirect my thoughts outward toward someone or something ITRW. Stay out of your computer or phone/texting because those things don't place you in a social setting. Undertake a task you've been putting off, an errand that hasn't been important but you've been meaning to run... Anything that will take you out of that internal treadmill of thought. It isn't nearly as easy as it sounds, at least not so for me.

It's easy to say go out with friends, be among the living, to alleviate loneliness. In truth the solution can be just that simple. For someone like me, I have the tendency to self-isolate, even from my partner at times. It isn't that I want to pull away from the world so much as I just want to curl up in a ball and be as small as possible. Often social phobia contributes to the problem. There are times when I must force myself to interact, or as a popular train of thought spells out, fake it until you make it.

Sometimes though, that mantra of faking it til you make it can be a destructive trap. Faking happiness can become a sort of need to make others around you feel comfortable. In addition there are often times when forcing yourself to feel positive doesn't bare results. The consequence of faking positive feeling can cause a stockpile of negative feelings that you've been burying. Burying feelings is almost never a good idea. Faking it until you make it is a good exercise for minor problems, but if after a period of time you're not feeling better about yourself, its not the be all, end all answer.

To cure loneliness I'm lucky in that I can turn to Mark, my partner, to help me divert my attention away from the isolation and loneliness. Having a significant other, a lover or partner, doesn't always stop some of us from feeling lonely. Sometimes the cure isn't that simple. Truthfully I have learned that while other people can make you feel good about yourself, feeling truly happy has to start inside you. My understanding is that you currently don't have a partner, but even if you did you cannot always depend upon others to bear the weight of your loneliness. Feeling alone can happen even in a crowded room.

Since I'm aware enough not to want to place all the burden on my lovely, compassionate, and very understanding partner all the time, I'll make myself take a walk through the zoo, or a garden. By doing this I don't have to fake a feeling, but merely force myself to take a small action. Repetitively taking walks outside, making small advances in length and varying routes, I eventually ease my way into calmness. Appreciating nature is a great way to clear your head. In this way I can be among people without necessarily having to interact with them. I love to simply watch people from a park bench from time to time as well. This is a lovely, subtle way of beginning to emerge from isolation and relax. And sometimes I surprise myself and happen to meet some nice people as well.

The ideas I write here are tailored to my own issues and the ways in which I have learned to combat and understand them. Please remember that I have some pretty big emotional issues that you most likely don't carry with you. I may have entirely missed any help you were asking for, but I hope that even some small part of revealing myself will speak to you and help you in some fashion.

The thing about certain feelings like loneliness is that for most people they don't last forever. Often when you stop concentrating on feeling lonely and life buries you in other issues, friendship and even love can happen in the most unexpected way. I traveled hundreds of miles away from my home to start a new life many times. Upon coming back home after all that running around looking for love and happiness, I found it when I was in the midst of dealing with a severe physical injury and not even looking for it. I found love in the form of a funny, sweet, understanding guy who happened to be the boy next door (well, two doors down from me). Thirty years later we're still together and still in love. Sometimes the right answer is to stop looking for love and just live your life.

“If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.”
..........L. Frank Baum

[rado84]

Loneliness is bad

Not quite. I got used to being lonely, so I don't care already. Once you get used to loneliness, you wouldn't care either and life becomes a lot easier after that point.

[LJay]

Loneliness is certainly real but I got a lesson one day when I asked an elderly lady if she were lonely, living alone.

I got an immediate and VERY definite, "LONELY!? ME?! With Jesus and all them cats in the house I am NEVER lonely!!"

Well, it may not be the response of many here but it did make me think. I learned to love that woman for her wisdom and I miss her. What she taught me is that if we look beyond ourselves there is always companionship out there somewhere. Certainly no single aphorism can solve the problem, but it is worth contemplating.

And by the way, this site is here all of the 24/7 time. Lots of people here. Put up a profile and make yourself at home.

[trywait]

as human beings we still crave that human interaction. but embrace being alone! learn to revel in it!

[matty7]

loneliness sucks and I totally agree = I have friends and family yet I still need to come here and chat ..why? because I need to interact with other gay people whom at home they are keeping quiet lol - there's no cure apart from just giving into your situation and accepting it before it eats you up - so so easy for me to say isn't it.. I did post a link recently for a gay website that was not a hookup site but just a place that organised events that was for any gay people ...things were like a wine testing day ...a walk in a certain national park ..etc loads of stuff - maybe something like that would be good for you ?

[SilverBullet]

As anocxu said, talk to us
were kinda like pen pals

[MikeW]

....I've thinking about it for years now and I would really love to have a pen pal at this time in my life. It feels like the right time.

I would happily be your pen-pal. This is something I do with several people... mostly young gay men but the ages do vary. Some I write back and forth with daily, others far less frequently. I mostly let them set the pace. Anyway, it's an open invitation.