I dont understand why I feel this way.

[spiral]

Quite a long one for a first post, I need advice on something that has been happening fairly recently.

I'm a 24 year old gay man. It starts in September 2014, I break up with my boy friend of one and a half years. This doesn't really bother me so much, as the relationship had been breaking down for a while and he was quite neglectful and sometimes treated me like I didn't matter. Mid September after the break up I meet a guy on Grindr. H'es 29 turning 30 soon and I don't normally use Grindr to meet, I use it more as a more and eye candy thing but I see this guy and I decide to meet up with him for sex. He's a nice guy and says he wants to meet again which I can easily see happening as I had fun with him. We meet up several more times in a short space of time, he starts telling me he really likes and before I know it we're dating. I'm a little apprehensive at first but quickly get used to the idea and I'm happy. For the first time ever I genuinely feel happy, someone else makes me happy. Within the space of a few months I fell in real love for the first time in my life, things are going so great.
One day while texting him he's replying with cold, distant answers. I'm confused so ask him what's wrong. He tells me he sees no future for us, mainly because I wasn't out at the time. I was scared and not willing to come out just yet and so he ended it. It was so out of the blue and it hurt so much. We stopped talking for a while and then a few month pass by and he got back in touch with me, initially asking for sex and then asking for us to talk as he thinks he made a mistake. I'm cautiously optimistic until he tells me he loves me and then I'm ecstatic about the whole thing. He says he wants to take it slow though and he asks me to be more open about him and with myself, I agree but tell him it will take time.
We end up having the most mind blowing sex after and I go home. I tell my family that I am gay, but I don't tell him that I have told them. Over the next few days I text him to see how he is and all I get is the same cold replies, I decide that I might be smothering him so I give him a week for us both to collect ourselves. I text him after a week to see how he's doing and the same cold and disinterested replies. I give him another week. Then I asked him if he wanted to go on a date with me... I don't even get a reply to that.
My heart is broken once again and I feel like such a fool for even trying.
Fast forward a few more months and one very early morning before work I get a simple Hi on Grindr from him. Against my better judgement I say hello back but got no reply in return, that afternoon after work I'm on my way into town to run an errand and I see him holding hands with another guy walking down the street. This time its not just sadness that I feel its intense anger.
Another few months pass by... He messages me asking for "horny fun." I tell him I know he has a boyfriend and not to break the poor boys heart. He says to me "he won't know, he's in work" I ask him did he do this behind my back and he tells me no, anyway I say no I wont meet him for sex and the conversation goes round to how it was good it was when we were together. It makes me feel so envious. Few days later I saw him at Pride. My first one. I went alone as I have few friends and none who would ever come with me to that. The guy hugs me and proceeds to talk to me as if nothing happened a few days ago points me in the direction of best places to go around pride. As I walk away after the conversation, I look back to see him hugging his boyfriend. Once again my heart breaks. I feel so so awful and so low. Its been 4 days since Pride, and I cant get him out of my head and everyday I keep feeling worse and worse. I feel constantly sick.

I did love him and still do clearly, what is wrong with me? All I want is him. As I write this my chest hurts and I feel sick.

In regards to this post, I just want thoughts on this from an outsiders perspective. What do you think?

[kjames]

If you found this guy on Grindr then...it is what it is. I wouldn't try to paint it into a "Norman Rockwell" It hurts when you try to make it what its not.

[Pcolakuntryboy]

Sounds like he just wants an occasional hook up, not a relationship, and nothing you do will change that. Look at the bright side though, you came out to your family, which is something you may not have had the courage to do if you hadn't met him.

[LONDONER]

The people who use Grindr are usualy very superficial and only looking for occasional hook ups. However hard it may be to realise, you are trying to hold on to a lost cause. Give it up now before you get really hurt.

[Darius]

It sounds like he might have had a bf all along, even when you first hooked up. It also sounds like he knows how to manipulate your emotions to get you into bed. He has hurt and disappointed you several times now. Don't let him do it again. Block him and never respond to him. The truth is, you fell in love with someone who doesn't really exist.

[East]

I also suspect he might have had a BF all along..and the person you fell in love with might not even be real...as in..he isn't the man you think he is.

I have had the chest hurting thing...and the sick to my stomach thing....over a guy...and I thought I was gonna die (seriously)...and then...it went away....it always does eventually The important part...when it does go away...give yourself a clear look at where you were....and take a moment to be grateful that you dodged a bullet....

He wasn't cheating on his BF because there was anything wrong with his BF..he was cheating on him because he lacks character...and he is a liar. You could have been that BF...YIKES...would you really have wanted to be his boyfriend?...knowing how he treats them?

You said your first relationship broke up because the guy was neglectful and treated you like you didn't matter. Connect the dots...this other guy is MUCH WORSE! If his BF knew what he was doing ....how do you think he would feel? Be glad you aren't in his shoes...

The cold and distant thing....you were his dirty little secret....and that was something he was supposed to be in charge of. I betcha he has alot of other dirty little secrets....other guys that shouldn't text him first and expect a response..unless he is in the mood and makes the first move....

[Anocxu]

Ask East ( The guy above me )to tell you about self love..

I honestly can't elaborate on what this guy is doing to you...

What I am concerned about is what you are doing to yourself...
This will forever be the equation,..

You + Grindr Guy (Will always ) = Disaster.

Next time He messages you ..

Send him this please..



^^^^^^
It's a doormat .
Tell him they are on sale at Taget.
That's what he's looking for ..
Not you...

After that...

please find the strength to eliminate this trashy shadow of a Neanderthal from your life.

If you think you deserve better..
You have to do better.

[Anocxu]

By the way..
I'm terribly sorry you have to deal with this.

Hugs!

[Biki1992]

Spiral!!
I had gone through like how you have feeling now recently. I was so confused thinking what I was thinking to do was wrong or right. I joint here to get some advice. People here are very helping. Now I could control my feeling because of their useful words especially MikeW, East, princeadoft .... They motivate me.

Mine story was online. My BF and me met in 1man.in. From the beginning we know are very far. He always made me promise not leave and made me believing he was planning for us to live together. After few month of relationship he got man from same city. He was planning on moving with him from very first day he met him. He told me this just two month ago. first time I was fall in sick heartache , burning sensation in abdomen, feeling vomiting everytime I eat something. I even had depression medicine. Even the depression medicine could not help me. I started thinking I must talk with friend and get help. That's how I came to here.

He can not hurt me anymore.

What I have to say to you is he is not right person for you. You just hook you up for sex. I understand you felt in love with him. People always say move on. If you someone so much it is not so easy to move on. But you have to do move on because as long as you try to be with him you gonna end up with hurting yourself. You must spent more time thinking and concentrating more on yourself. Try filled your mind with something useful thought. Give time spend with friends and talk with people around you. As time being you will change , you need more time to come out those feeling you have now. But make it slow changes on you. If you try to change suddenly it might hurt you more, will make think more about him and make you feel afraid ...

I think it might help you !!

[IanSaysHi]

First of all I'm sorry to hear about this whole situation.

Something similar happened with an ex of mine. Very intense relationship, ended up coming out as a result of the relationship.. I was told during my state of rose-tinted bliss by another guy that my boyfriend had cheated on me.. Others then also told me stories about him cheating, I refused to believe them but in the end I knew it was true and I was gutted, sick, hurt so badly. I didn't think I'd recover. I was so into this guy for months after and he flashed his new relationships in my face as though the only history between us had been as good friends and as though it wouldn't hurt me.

Flash forward a few years and now I always know when his latest relationship/engagement/marriage is over because I usually get a message on Facebook from him out of the blue asking how I am? Check his Facebook and yes, the other guy has been completely erased. I don't know if he expects me to flirt with him (he sends annoyingly babyish-flirty messages as though I'm still in my late teens) but I now have no idea what I saw in him at all and am so grateful I got out when I did!!!!

Trust me, these people have only themselves in mind and you are well rid. I know it hurts now, but it will get better.