Opening Up

[Cobalt]

So I've been wondering about this for a while. I'm a pretty private person who rarely lets others know a lot about me (see a few previous posts/topics by me for evidence). I realize after two years together with my partner that's still a problem. Now, I'm not talking about the "major" things, such as my fears, desires, needs, etc. (to an extent anyway), my partner knows about most of that. My problem is letting him in on my minors, like my interests and the like. He doesn't know much about what what I like to do in spare time, my hobbies, etc. He knows generally what I like to do, but I've never really showed him examples/specifics. Part of that problem is me, I've always been like that for everyone. I've never really been "embarrassed" by any of my interests or things I like to do, I don't have anything all that bizarre. I just have this overly self conscious desire to keep all of it to myself. Maybe I'm nervous about what he/others would think of them, thinking he/others would think less of me or my interests because it could be perceived as silly or a waste of time.

Well, this was a train wreck of a post and a topic but I wanted to give it a try. I realize this is probably a silly thing in the first place but in all honesty I really do struggle with it! I was wondering if anyone had ever been in a semi-similar situation or could relate/advise in someway. So how do others show their partners what they like or, how do others let friends in on things they haven't experienced before?

[Emiliano]

To answer your question, no. Anyone that knows me, knows what interests me. I'm very passionate and I can't avoid getting into those topics. My work and my studies are all focused on education, so I tend to fulfill that role in my social life as well.

But it caught my attention how you phrased it as an "overly self conscious desire"... I mean you say its nothing embarrassing or nothing weird, so whats your hang up?
Is it important to you to keep like an element of mystery, or detachment? Are you worried about putting it all out like that?
Is there a part of you that wants him to find out on his own rather than you having to tell?
And also, in what ways (if any) do you think your partner not knowing your interests is having an effect on your relationship? Do you in anyway resent that he doesn't know? Or do you resent that you feel unable to share?

[TigerLover]

What exactly is it that you're hiding from him. If you can get a piece of paper and write a list down. Just writing the list will help you gather your thoughts so you know exactly what you want to tell him. Then beyond that it's just baby steps. Drip feed him those secrets at your own pace.

[jimcrackcorn]

Your not letting your partner know some things about yourself, things that seem to be important to you at least.

When living with your partner, it's very hard to conceal things without slowly giving them up or loosing them altogether because of the secrecy with which you are keeping them. You should be able to trust him enough after 2 years, to let him in on those special things you have kept secret. But,, sometimes it's good to keep a few things secret from your partner. I never told my husband about any of the sexual partners I had before I met him. He still has no idea after being together for 40 years!!!!... It's just something I don't want to share with him. I'm sure there are other things I have never told him about me, but over the years they became so miniscule that they disappeared from memory.

You are allowed to keep certain things private, even from your partner. It's your choice if and when you decide, if ever, to disclose them. They are yours to keep if you so wish.

Jim

[Anocxu]

. Maybe I'm nervous about what he/others would think of them, thinking he/others would think less of me or my interests because it could be perceived as silly or a waste of time.

Well, this was a train wreck of a post and a topic but I wanted to give it a try. I realize this is probably a silly thing in the first place

Cobalt you are so cute..
You're actually doing that thing you described in your opening post.

What a guy does in his spare time .. (hobbies,interests) is important to me..

Personally I consider those details a part of "the whole package"..reason..? I am extremely hobby oriented and always curious about what everyone does in their down time.

This thread is a perfect start in addressing your issue of being guarded.

Look at it this way..
Barriers are like walls..
If you can figure out the reason you put them up..
Then you can figure out how to take them down.

(Cobalt's mystery hobby )

[ShiftyNJ]

I'm more the opposite; we talk about trivial stuff, but when it comes to heavy-duty things it can be tough to broach the subject.

[azulai]

I'm very guarded about interests as well. For me it goes back to childhood and previously sharing an interest that I was happy and excited about with a friend and that person cruely using it to make fun of me. It killed not just a part of me but stole my enthusiam for the interest.

It takes time for some of us to feel comfortable. Maybe you fear if your partner shows the slightest disapproval, you'll drop the interest???

Maybe you have an image among your friends and you don't want them to see the other side of you? Why? Do they not have silly interests? Are they so serious all the time? I doubt it.

For me it's related to confidence, trust, and fear of being too exposed. I've had to accept there are limits to how open I can be with someone. But there is a turning point in relationships when you realize that other person will always laugh with you, never at you, and they feel your hurt as deeply as if it were to them.

[Cobalt]

Thanks everybody for all of your input.

Emiliano: Thanks for giving me your personal take on how to feel. It's interesting to see what this problem looks like from the other side of the fence. To answer your questions:
But it caught my attention how you phrased it as an "overly self conscious desire"... I mean you say its nothing embarrassing or nothing weird, so whats your hang up?
Honestly I wish I knew! I'm not really too sure what the reason is exactly but I do have some ideas...
Is it important to you to keep like an element of mystery, or detachment? Are you worried about putting it all out like that?
And I think these are some of them. Having a sense of mystery is probably one of the reasons, and holding on to some sense of independence/keeping some things to myself seems important. But I don't really want to keep everything to myself so I find I battle myself with letting information out. Perhaps the fear of judgment is what keeps me from putting everything out there.
Is there a part of you that wants him to find out on his own rather than you having to tell?
Not really, if anything I try to "hide" things. It's silly because like I said, I'm not doing anything wrong or bad. It's like I almost go out of my way for him to not find out on his own.
And also, in what ways (if any) do you think your partner not knowing your interests is having an effect on your relationship?
I don't think it's having an overly negative effect on our relationship but I do think it hinders things. It certainly hampers a deeper understanding and misses a lot of little connections we could be having.
Do you in anyway resent that he doesn't know? Or do you resent that you feel unable to share?
I don't really resent him for not knowing, specifically: I'm not mad at him. I am upset with myself though, yes. I think, what's the point of hiding things that are minor in the first place? He's seen me naked, why bother being embarrassed about anything else?

Tigerlover: You've definitely struck a good chord with me, I love list making. Something like what you suggested seems like a really good idea for me. I think I will start with that and then think of how I want him to expose him to each one.

Jim: (I have so many Jim's in my life, both my father and my brother carry that name!) I do agree that after 2 years I should be more willing to let him in on certain things. I guess because I always kept to myself for so long it almost seems "wrong" to open my world up for someone else. Perhaps it's not even a fear of being ridiculed or looked down upon but rather, just being so not used to the prospect or action of opening up fully and completely about myself is the scary thing. I do agree that certain things probably should be kept to myself. If I told him everything about me, we would both break up from the boredom and monotony of the conversation. Other things are just embarrassing moments of my life that I really don't wish to revisit anyway. So I do agree that certain things are better kept to myself.

Anocxu: You know, I didn't realize I actually ended up doing that. Good eye!
I do agree that hobbies and the like do form the whole person. I like learning about my partner's hobbies so I can imagine he feels a little robbed that he hardly gets to have a similar experience with me. I think you using the word "guarded" hit the nail right on the head. That's definitely what I would use to describe me.
Also, at that gif. This would almost certainly be me if I tried to do that...

Shifty: Interesting to know the situation is reversed for me. In most cases, the way you feel is probably how the majority is. I don't know why I'm reversed. To me it seems like the big things are easier to talk about because there's so much to say. With the minor things, it's hard to defend my views because they are much smaller. I can only say "I like what I like" and there isn't much more to elaborate on.

Azulai: I don't think I can respond to much of your post because I feel exactly the same way and agree with all of it. The only thing I can add is that you definitely have a point, I shouldn't view my partner as "everyone else", I should feel comfortable telling him anything without a fear of being judged or mocked.

Again, thanks everyone for your input!

[Anocxu]

Wouldn't it be hillarious if Cobalt turned out to be a Chippendales dancer...?

[Anocxu]

That's right..
I need to clarify..