[MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION]! Honestly! Advocating such a beastly act!! What did geese ever do to you? Such a waste of a pillow. Martha Stewart is frowning at your innocent baby face. Don't think that your pretty face and that enormously long knee knocker are going to get you off the hook.
[MENTION=23061]zaleemzamana[/MENTION] Seriously speaking, leaving your boyfriend is probably going to be terribly painful, but I suspect you should end this cycle of hurt masquerading as a relationship. Anocxu and Camfer have given you great advice. This is a sweeping generalization, but it usually holds true so I'll say it anyway: You can't begin a relationship thinking that you'll change someone for the better, even if it is a genuine desire to help a loved one to better themselves. People learn to change their own behavior of their own accord. Changing a self destructive behavior is a difficult thing to do and requires self motivation. You can be there to support a person honestly attempting to help themselves, but you can't be the one doing all the work.
The self destructive behaviors you describe in your boyfriend bleed into your relationship at fundamental levels. Without honest discussion and an ensuing plan of action addressing the problems, promises and apologies are just words when not backed by lasting action and solutions. See if any of this sounds familiar to you:
Quote:Domestic and emotional abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of behavior:
1. Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play. Sometimes it is designed, sometimes it is simply a pattern of behavior that is emotionally ingrained through the events of your partner's past experience in life. Any reason, imaginary or one based upon a twisting of reality, is unleashed upon you in anger, laying blame squarely at your feet. The usual consequence is to cause you to self doubt and deflect attention away from your partner's deficiencies. Self doubt leads to insecurity, insecurity leads to need. Often these abusive/emotional outbursts (purges) can become addictive to both parties.
2. Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt. He’s worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior. A recognition of his own self loathing is possible.
3. Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility. If sufficiently pressed into a corner, your partner may even accept certain behaviors usually accompanied with a qualifier explaining his actions/words. This "acceptance" is usually done to mollify your hurt/disbelief/anger reaction. The word "misunderstanding" is often part of this discussion.
4. "Normal" behavior – The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time. Gifts, surprise dinners or extra attention are likely. Length in time varies.
5. Planning/Hording Grievance – Your abuser begins to manufacture reasons involving what he perceives as your faults, spending excessive amounts of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong, internally listing grievance. He allows these internal complaints to build to excessive levels. Often he is doing this subconsciously, although in worst case scenario's it is done purposely. Sporadic outbursts may occur to vent small amounts of hostility although these are usually short and soothed over as quickly as possible. Anger covering self loathing is difficult to keep emotionally close to anyone without eventually being forced to acknowledge one's own faults. This occasionally results in a small release of confusion based anger, but hording and internally listing of perceived grievance continues.
6. Set-up/Circumstance Ignition – Consciously or subconsciously your abuser "sets you up" and puts a plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you. Alternately a circumstance, possibly an event, or an unknowable trigger leads you back to the beginning of the cycle, abuse (see above, 1. Abuse).
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.
--------------------------Self Help Guide (Amended and Condensed).org
Ultimately it must be your decision to stay or leave. Most people here at GS will tell you that I am prone to advise saving a relationship through work and communication. Often I see people not putting in the work a relationship requires to be healthy and successful. In this instance however, my advise is closure. This relationship is causing you undue emotional pain, exhibits classic cycling phases, and it appears only one of you is prepared to acknowledge the truth, let alone work to understand it and effect change. The break will probably be painful. You will also probably feel relief. Distance and time will lend you perspective about this relationship. Take those lessons with you. Emotional pain is worthless if we refuse to learn from it.
-Best Wishes
xx
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Aries
