I'm Not Going to Die

[Beaux]

I wish I had something inspiring to say, but (even though cancer has been a virtual plague in my family) I don't.

All I can offer is my sincere hope for you that the cancer is well and truly gone, and a suggestion on how to regain a sense of normalcy in your life. Which is: mindful-breathing and guided meditation. These two techniques, via YouTube, have allowed me to step through and past that fearful inner voice in my head. Maybe it could help you too.

Know that you are loved. Revel in it and Live.

Xoxoxo,
~Beaux

[Anonymous]

I can totally relate.

Last February I went in for my first ever physical. I'm hovering around the near 50 yo mark. While I was there I had them look at a mole I've had on my neck my whole life that had changed shape. They took a biopsy, and said I had melanoma. I was given a cat/pet scan and they said everything looked 'normal'.

Because of the size of the mole/cancer, they scheduled me for an operation. 4 of the 19 lymph nodes they removed from my neck had some kind of cancer traces.

I went in 5 days a week, for 4 weeks for IV Interferon (Chemotherapy). I threw up 3 times a night, and lost over 50 lbs. I'm currently having to give myself 2ml shots of Interferon (Chemotherapy) Monday, Wed., and Friday when I get home from work, and I'm taking Tuesdays and Thursdays off to recover.

I'm still extremely weak, dizzy, stomach cramps, blurred vision, headaches, can't breath ...

Interferon changed my body chemistry and nearly EVERYTHING smells/tastes like road kill/decaying death to me and I'm not eating/drinking anywhere near as much as I should be.

At this point I feel like it's a race between the Interferon and the cancer which one is going to kill me first.

[Anonymous]

... ^^^^ I couldn't figure out how to edit... I'm supposed to give myself the Interferon shots until NEXT May-ish. A whole year.

I wouldn't have been able to pay for the Interferon ($1,500 a month) if I hadn't been put on some low income thing where they're paying 100% until next June.

[VirgoMasquerade]

I'm glad you are all ok now And Anonymous you'll be in my prayer

[Wolfpack]

Give yourself time to recover emotionally , this illness has been part of your life but it is NOT the whole of your life , you just need to take things slowly be kind to yourself and do not expect to much of yourself.

Draw strength from those close to you, and if you think you need it seek out professional support, or find people to chat with that have experienced a similar ordeal.

*Hugs* too you , you have just experienced a very tough part of your life lets hope that there are many positive and wonderful things instore for you just around the corner.

[Bhp91126]

Twist, I'm so sorry you had to go through all this and I wish you all the best and that the cancer never returns.

I really like Jettalove's advice. Give it time and realize that it has changed you permanently, you have the scars to prove it.

You've dealt with this for about 7 months, had MAJOR surgery, chemo and everything and still have to go through scans every 2 months. Even though you're not going to die from it, this illness will from now on be part of your life, but you will learn to deal with it realistically over time. Even if it consumes you now, with each scan without positive results, it will shrink in importance. I'm happy for you, that you have Gideon and his support.

(I've just returned from my dads funeral in Germany, he was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney-cancer in January, had 4 surgeries, 1.5 rounds of chemo, but he got weaker by the day, so there never really was a realistic chance of getting cured. I was back home to help him and my mom 4 times this year and watching him decline was horrible)

[Cobalt]

Well I'm not sure what I have to say is very important or useful but I'll try anyway. I'll keep things short. I don't know what everyone else has contributed (as per my usual I give my opinion before I see what others have said...I don't want to leave things out simply because someone else already said it or I'm afraid of conflicting with someone else's opinion). I apologize if I'm rehashing or offending, I'm not trying to do either.

I would say rather than waiting to feel normal or not upset, just accept that's how you feel. Accept that you can feel at all and that you're alive. After an experience like what you've been through, you tend to major on the majors and minor on the minors. Things that are important to you, whatever those may be, are much easier to identify. Trivial things that might have seemed like a big deal or would to a "normal" person lose significance when someone like you views them. Appreciate what you have and hold dear those things and people to you who matter.

Life is always very short, no matter how old you are. Realize that what's happened has happened and what will happen, will happen. Try and accept that not just you, but everyone worries about when their time will end. For me I personally struggle with that every single day and have for the past two years. I am 25, my partner is 59. I love him more than I've loved anyone else in my life. My life's purpose I truly feel was to have a partner. That's my main ambition. I have that now and every day I fear losing him. The odds are obvious: the older man dies before the younger man. That's a reality I face every day and pray hard that God will take me first. I simply cannot live without him, I am not strong enough. I don't care what anyone says: my life is my own and I will do with it what I feel I must do. If he goes before me, as of today I feel I would quickly follow him. Whether that be by accident or my own doing I'm not sure, I just know my love of his life eclipses my love of my own.

What I'm trying to say: I fear death just as much as you. My partner was diagnosed with prostate cancer this year and, thankfully, was treated for it and has a wonderful future outlook. What I have learned over the past year especially is fear is a control mechanism. People want to control their lives or the lives of others (in this case: life expectancy). When we know we can't do that, we fear the loss of control. Fear, like a dark cloud, blots out the sun. If you spend your days in fear you'll never know the warmth of happiness.

I don't claim to have a good answer, I'm just as scared of death as you are. The only thing I can tell you that I have learned: allow yourself to be free enough to experience happiness. Because if you can't, what good is a life anyway?

You are certainly in my prayers and I hope the best for you. You can only do with your life as everyone does and take it a day at a time. Focus on the present and less on the future (easier said than done, trust me I know). You are alive, it is up to you what that means until the end.

[LJay]

Twist, a number of years back I heard news of a very talented young man who was dealing with an illness of which there was no hope of cure. One of his friends asked him how he was dealing with dying. His reply was that he really didn't have time for that. His concern was living. I have always thought that it was a very wise outlook. He went on to have some very good times before his inevitable death.

I thought a lot about that fellow when I went through two bouts of chemo several years apart. I think of him every time I go in for a scheduled checkup, as I will this Monday. His simple reply gave a gift to many around him. No one these days remembers his misery except in passing but many remember fondly his musical gifts, his brilliance and his ability to give when others would have given up. He was a very good model.

[matty7]

I had now Idea you went through such a huge stage in your life twisttheleaf , but you do sound like you went into every thing with confidence and also bravery - the body is a very resilient thing but the mind is a different matter - would chatting with a cancer group give you some peace of mind...not everyone's into talking but something so life changing shared with others in the same situation help a little ? ,
I can say that my friends brother had a cancer at the base of his skull in his spine and back then it was considered extremely hard to cure - 20 years later he is still as annoying as every , more people giving you stories like this will help you to accept you are clear to live a long life

[wayward]

The stress of this experience is what it is. You brushed death and that is scary. It can be haunting and sobering. I am young and inexperienced, but when it comes to suffering I understand that rolling with the punches is what works best for me. I define my standards for quality, and I accept that things happen anyways that are not what you would have wished. I hope you can adapt and not be too hard on yourself. Have the courage to let yourself suffer for a bit, just to come to grips, but don't let that deny you the joy of being alive.