Mum's upset and I really don't care

[TigerLover]

My mum witnessed an apparently fatal car accident that shook her up pretty badly today She came over to my place shaking like a leaf and started crying. I feel a little bit of pity for her but not much.

I feel sympathy for the family of the person in the crash just no sympathy for my mother.
She's a drama queen and a compulsive liar. I can't even trust her account of the accident because it seems a bit too dramatic. I just feel numb when she starts crying. She was emotionally abusive to her family and the only reason she's here is because she's driven away everyone else but my brother and he's working tonight.

I feel a strong moral obligation to comfort her. But just because she's upset it doesn't magically heal my deep dislike for her and I couldn't even bring myself to hug her when she started crying. I feel like such a cold-blooded bastard.

I've given her some chocolate and made sugary coffee (she doesn't like tea). But I've no idea what else to do. She's asleep on my sofa right now and I've no idea what to do or say when she wakes up. I'm no good at faking emotions and the only emotion i feel right now is a mild disdain.

Hate to ask but can you give me something to say to her please?

[IanSaysHi]

At first when I read this I have to admit I was a bit shocked at the response to your Mum's distress. I really didn't want to respond as I felt I couldn't relate at all as I'm generally a very compassionate person.

However re-reading your post I realised if I substituted 'Mum' for someone else in my life then I can understand. I don't think everyone can, but if you've given your Mum many, many second chances in the past, been hurt and disappointed then I do understand. I still find the disdain hard to relate to but I have no idea as to everything you've experienced.

Still, I think boiling it down to the essentials that as a human being, if what she has seen is true, then I can understand her reaction. However I think she has automatically done two things that help the process - cry, and sleep. The drink was a good idea too.

When she wakes up I guess she'll feel pretty raw... Maybe offer her a cup of tea, and that she should maybe take a day or two off work? If she's really shook up still then maybe suggest she books an appointment to see a doctor just in case she'll need some kind of PTSD counselling or something (I'm no expert and don't know how this works, but worth asking).

I hope you are okay too. It can be hard with a family member when they've driven away everyone and you have the weight of this - I know. I guess that shows though that you can't be a 'cold-blooded bastard' because you obviously have some small tie to her when everyone but your brother has cut them.

I hope this helps x

[LJay]

Sounds like you have done what you could. You weren't there and it is not your experience. Company, some listening and a port in the storm should be enough. From what you say you may be used to getting a dose of guilt at such times. You are right not to go along with that part of it. You nave nothing to feel guilty for.

[VirgoMasquerade]

I saw a fatal crash while lady gaga's paparazzi played in the background... Just be kind to her today and be her crying shoulder.

[Beaux]

Valium. That's what I use when my mother-in-law visits.
~Beaux

[Anocxu]

Mum's Upset And I Don't Really Care. ..

Then why log on to G.S. and start a thread about it?

Is it fair for members to post on your thread and feed you with advice or information if you don't care?

I think you are trying to muster the energy not to care... but you really do.

That's the hard truth....

Now if I were a really good friend of yours this is how I would empathize with your feelings.

*Your mom has caused you tons of pain and discomfort.

*Your mom tells lies to manipulate.

*Your mom is not trustworthy.

BUT...!!

*Be grateful that she gave you life.
*Be grateful that you have every opportunity to become a bigger and better human being than she will ever be.

Yes I know you'll probably cringe at the thought of trying to engage her .

It's just easier to do the right thing..
Resistance and animosity on your part will take waaaay too much energy...

Hear what she has to say..
Like you said humor her.
Whenever she starts to get under your skin.. find a clever way to disengage. ..

[MikeW]

Valium. That's what I use when my mother-in-law visits.
~Beaux

LOL, I thought you were going to say that's what you give your mother-in-law.

Aside and totally of topic to the thread, do you like Valium? Cant stand the stuff myself.

[Insertnamehere]

*DISCLAIMER: Yes, I realize this probably makes me a horrible person*

To be honest, I don't see where's the "moral obligation" to comfort an overreacting person. I wouldn't.

I wouldn't even begin to understand why this situation, considering it's not people close to you, would cause such a reaction, other than the shock effect of the way in which it happened.

People die everyday, I'll die someday, my neighbours will die someday, big whoop.

And then, on top of this nice fundation, you described the woman....yup...no, no moral obligation there, trust me

For me, "moral obligations" towards parents are on the likes of paying for medications, hospital and eventual funeral. Giving help when sh*t actually hits the fan, like hey, they lost the house on a fire or something.

But hey, you asked for advice...uhm...offer tea, that's always nice and makes you feel nurtured. Other than that, I'm pretty lost on what you can SAY to her.

Iansayshi has some pretty good stuff there.

*fades away to the shadows and waits for the hate*

[meridannight]

i agree with [MENTION=23097]Insertnamehere[/MENTION], you are not morally or otherwise obliged to comfort her. so she's your mother, so she's overdramatic...she can do her thing, you don't have to pay any attention to that.

what to say to her: you don't have to say a thing. sometimes it's better to say nothing at all, actually.

[Beaux]

LOL, I thought you were going to say that's what you give your mother-in-law.

Aside and totally of topic to the thread, do you like Valium? Cant stand the stuff myself.

It helps me keep from blurting out, "Die Itch! Die!" When my mother-in-law is here, so yes, I like it.
~Beaux