I feel like I don't belong together with my boyfriend

[Anonymous]

It's just something I want to share with you. We're so different, he's a very handsome guy and I...well, I'm not. I'm overweight and don't consider myself to be cute at all and when he started to show me attention at first it was really hard for me to understand why. Later I realized that people have different tastes and if he seeks for my attention so desperately as he did, then he must want to be together with me. He's my first boyfriend, now we're together for 5 months.

But all this time I just cannot get rid of this feeling that I'm not the right person for him. When we're alone, it's not so bad but for example when we're at some party together or around his friends, I feel so very uncomfortable, like I shouldn't be there, that's not my place. While he's talking to everyone, I always keep to myself and I feel like his friends are judging me although no one has ever said anything to my face.

We've had a talk about this before when I told him I feel unworthy of him. He then did what he could to convince me that's nonsense, and I don't want to bring this topic up again because he'd probably say the same.

I understand - he's with me because he wants to and that's his choice but I can't help feeling that I'm not good enough for him.

[ShiftyNJ]

I can relate to what you are saying... when my dude agreed to go with me I was pretty amazed because he does have me beat in the looks department and is nine years my junior.

Clearly a.) you are his physical type and/or b.) he likes qualities about you which are deeper than that. I agree that repeating your feeling of unworthiness to him is not going to be helpful. I would try to flip that into a feeling of gratitude. If you regard this dude as a physical catch, and he clearly is into you, that makes you a lucky guy! Tell him as much, make him feel special.

But you should still be dealing with your insecurities. If you are unhappy with your appearance, why not work on it? I can't change my face, but I can exercise, groom, dress well, and make sure my well-being is cared for so I am pleasant to be around.

[kindy64]

But all this time I just cannot get rid of this feeling that I'm not the right person for him. When we're alone, it's not so bad but for example when we're at some party together or around his friends, I feel so very uncomfortable, like I shouldn't be there, that's not my place. While he's talking to everyone, I always keep to myself and I feel like his friends are judging me although no one has ever said anything to my face.

I understand - he's with me because he wants to and that's his choice but I can't help feeling that I'm not good enough for him.

You only have to make sure he is the right person for you, not the other way around. He wants to be with you, obviously there are reasons for that, and I assume they go deeper then looks. You know this. You should try to delve deeper into these feelings of inadequacy.



I'm in a similar boat with my 30 year junior boyfriend/partner. Why the heck would he want to date me, I'm not that attractive (how I feel,) I make a decent living but I'm not rich. My reasons for being with him go far deeper then his looks, though he is absolutely gorgeous. There is a connection between us that is deeper than looks, possessions, or anything else in the material world. When he walked into my apartment for the first time (the "boyfriend" of an acquaintance of mine,) there was a spark between us that I'd never felt before.

We joke that if he just wanted a sugar daddy, he could have done a lot better, and if I wanted a boi-toy just for sex, I could have found someone far less complex.

In the end, I accept he is attracted to qualities of my personality, and not necessarily just to physical attributes. I think all but the most shallow of people are the same way, it isn't just a persons looks we are into.

And looks fade for most people, so if that's all there is, it may not be enough in the long run.

[CellarDweller]

He is with you because he wants to be.

You need to work on your own doubts/insecurities so you can drop this attitude and move on.

Remember, confidence is sexy.

[1and1]

Getting rid of the things and the people that you feel don't match your grade of self-esteem won't help you improve your self-esteem. It will only perpetuate your self-esteem on the path it is already on. Is that the path you want to remain on?

[jimcrackcorn]

Ya know,,, I used to think the same thing about myself when I was younger... My husband was very good looking, and very outgoing. I thought I had average looks and was always playing second fiddle to my husband in the looks department.... At parties,, he would be talking a mile-a-minute with everyone while I preferred to be less noticed and would be the quiet wall flower who wouldn't talk unless someone started a conversation with me.

I never knew why he fell in love with me, it couldn't be because of my looks. And my personality wasn't all that great.... Yet,, he did.

40 years later we are still together. He is still handsome to me, and he still has his outgoing personality... I no longer question why he fell for me,,, I'm just happy that he did because he has made my world complete.

So,,, stop fretting. He wants you,, and no body else. Be happy...

Respectfully,
Jim

[Anocxu]

Ya know,,, I used to think the same thing about myself when I was younger... My husband was very good looking, and very outgoing. I thought I had average looks and was always playing second fiddle to my husband in the looks department.... At parties,, he would be talking a mile-a-minute with everyone while I preferred to be less noticed and would be the quiet wall flower who wouldn't talk unless someone started a conversation with me.

I never knew why he fell in love with me, it couldn't be because of my looks. And my personality wasn't all that great.... Yet,, he did.

40 years later we are still together. He is still handsome to me, and he still has his outgoing personality... I no longer question why he fell for me,,, I'm just happy that he did because he has made my world complete.

So,,, stop fretting. He wants you,, and no body else. Be happy...

Respectfully,
Jim

Jimmy. .
That was Beautiful. .

[Insertnamehere]

He seems to think you're good enough for him, so maybe THAT should be roaming your brain instead of your own sense of self worht, in this particular case.

Just saying, if he doesnpt have problems with you, neither should you

[Darius]

Some people have a difficult time receiving love. My guess you can't do that with other, either.
Please get some counseling before you destroy a relationship that you will regret.

[Camfer]

OP, I think you're mixing up two things here. #1 is you don't like parties much. You're not that social kind of guy. #2 is you're insecure in your relationship. Put the two of those together and it gets multiplied in your head. Not fun.

#1 is really easy to solve. Don't go to parties. It's okay that you and your boyfriend do not like exactly the same things.

My boyfriend hates going to parties. I enjoy them. So I rarely bring him along. That works for us. My BF hates dinner parties most of all. The idea of sitting at a table and conversing with a bunch of people is a chore for him. He'd be fine *doing* something with these same people, just not sitting around, eating and talking. So I invite friends to go hiking with us. Everyone's happy.

So, you can spend some time thinking about what would a social event look like for you where your BF is having fun being social and you're having fun too. I bet there's a scenario you could imagine. Make that happen.

#2 is going to take some soul searching. I think the advice here to focus on what your BF sees in you is a great place to start. You're good at focusing on your flaws. Maybe time to take a break on that and instead focus on your strengths. People spin the same thoughts over and over. Make yours more positive. Write it out if you need to. What are your strengths? What does your BF value in you?