Feeling unwelcomed

[JCasey]

Northlad,,, when the world seems to be against you - you gotta turn it around.

Start by looking at people & things around you in a positive light.

Push yourself to be more engaging with people. Start a light hearted conversation about how nice the weather is today, or how you can't wait for Friday to come around so you can enjoy the weekend. Always keep the conversation up-beat and positive.

Give complements to people when you can. Let them know that you like them, and they will be more likely to say favorable things about you.

I find that simply smiling at the people I meet everyday helps open the door to a friendlier atmosphere which makes me feel better and also helps others to feel at easy right away.

I'm an old man and my looks won't get me anywhere. But,, when I put out a friendly & positive attitude, people find me interesting and worth getting to know. Some days it's an effort to keep that smile going and be engaging, but I wouldn't have a friend in the world unless I kept pushing myself to be friendly with people who wouldn't normally give me the time of day.

So,,, put on a big smile, engage people in a friendly conversation, and be positive...

Sincerely,
Jim

Okay, let's get back to the original topic. Jim is suggesting that I be outgoing and friendly to these people. I already stated that they tend to ignore anyone who they perceive to be potentially interested in them or their partner. By that I mean totally ignore, walk past without acknowledging even a Hi or looking in the general direction. In my experience in public places across the most of western Maine, this is the norm. It is not that I am oogling anybody, making suggestive comments or statements, or doing anything creepy, it is just trying to say hi or even a cordial nod of acceptance when passing by. This makes them look like stuck up jackasses, and makes people who are new to gay life feel unaccepted.

Discuss

[LJay]

My experience of Western Maine is that if someone says hello you should look around for protection from the forward behavior. I don't find Mainers unfriendly, just taciturn. If you are referring to pretty boys in tight jeans, forget it. They don't belong there anyway. You need to develop your own agenda and get on with it. There is no magic gay world to which you are admitted once you decide to come out. Be yourself, learn to say "ayuh" in the right bars and go right ahead with life. Gay is as you define it.

As for the rude little twits, why bother. What is it about them that makes them worth dealing with at all?

[jimcrackcorn]

Okay, let's get back to the original topic. Jim is suggesting that I be outgoing and friendly to these people. I already stated that they tend to ignore anyone who they perceive to be potentially interested in them or their partner. By that I mean totally ignore, walk past without acknowledging even a Hi or looking in the general direction. In my experience in public places across the most of western Maine, this is the norm. It is not that I am oogling anybody, making suggestive comments or statements, or doing anything creepy, it is just trying to say hi or even a cordial nod of acceptance when passing by. This makes them look like stuck up jackasses, and makes people who are new to gay life feel unaccepted.

Discuss

Actually, I didn't suggest this set of actions for you,, it was Northlad who I was addressing..

My suggestion to you was to join a gay group in your area, and make friends that way.

Now that you've indicated that your in western Maine, you may not have much luck even finding a gay group to join that is close to your location.

I lived in northern Vermont for 6 years and would have to travel 60 miles just to get to a town that had a gay bar. No gay groups close by to join either. You don't have much choice when you live away from major population areas where LGBT people are more abundant.

You mentioned that the gay people in western Maine seem to be rude stuck-up jackasses. That sounds eerily similar to the way I perceived the general population in northern Vermont where I once lived. Unless you were family or friend,, you were ignored or given a dose of rudeness - especially if they knew you were gay..

I believe you are living in an area that just doesn't have many LGBT people to associate with. Your pickings are slim and the few gay men you've encountered are not interested in being friendly with you. Even in Pensacola where I live now,, some gay people are standoffish and rude. The young guys may think that I'm an old geezer who's perving on them, and the older guys may think that I'm after their husband. Not all are that way, but you can't change their mind until they get to know & trust you - which leads back to your situation.

How do you get these gay guys to be friendly toward you; by continuing to be friendly & cordial toward them until they realize your OK. You won't win them all over,, but you should be able to make some inroads with a few of them if you continue being nice to them.

Small towns, equals small tight-net gay groups where everyone knows everyone else. It's a harder nut to crack and they are not going to make it easy for an older man who recently came out. They don't know you as a gay person whom they are familiar with, and may possibly be afraid of you. It may help if you can find just one of them that can explain why the rest of the gays are unwilling to accept you. If you've lived there all your life as a straight person and recently came out of the closet - they may think you lived a lie all your life and didn't take the hits along the way. They may think your bisexual which many in the gay community don't like to get attached to for fear of being left behind when you return to the other sex. If you are new to the area, they may have gotten the wrong impression of you somehow, and are staying away. There's a plethora of reasons why some of them may be rejecting you at the moment, but I'm sure there's somebody there who's willing to be friends with you at least.

We haven't even gotten started with the baggage many gay men carry around because of all the discrimination & rejection they have had to face while growing up. What you may be seeing is their safely mechanism kicking in when they are unsure of you.

My best advice is to keep trying. Give them some time to accept you, and continue being friendly. I'd also recommend moving to a more populated area where you'll be able to join some LGBT groups and meet singles who are interested in the same activities that your like,,, if that is possible.

Respectfully,
Jim

[TwisttheLeaf]

To be honest, I've never really gone out of my way to - seek out - gay men to make friends with, yeah? Or straight men, or gay women, or straight women. I make friends with people, regardless of whatever sexual orientation they have. And, for me, that's worked out pretty well.
[MENTION=11919]jimcrackcorn[/MENTION] seems to have some pretty sound advice, and at least somewhat of a similar experience to you to back it.

[MikeW]

I feel unwelcome everywhere in life

LOL....

You're so funny. Predictable!

You DO know that just cuz you feel a certain way doesn't mean its an OBJECTIVE description of reality, right? IDK, maybe you're not welcome anywhere but I doubt it. I think it is just how you FEEL... and that's the problem.

[MikeW]

... In my experience in public places across the most of western Maine, this is the norm. It is not that I am oogling anybody, making suggestive comments or statements, or doing anything creepy, it is just trying to say hi or even a cordial nod of acceptance when passing by. ...

Both [MENTION=11919]jimcrackcorn[/MENTION] and [MENTION=20738]TwisttheLeaf[/MENTION] make good points. There can be a wide variety of reasons why people are ignoring you. No, it isn't nice and it isn't fair and I sure don't blame you for not feeling welcomed.

I've certainly experienced some of what you're talking about. On the other hand, I've also experienced the opposite: recognition and inclusion. A lot depends on where you are, what the circumstances are, who you know and so on. Some people don't open up or give their trust easily. To make friends you're going to have to be friendly, even in the face of perceived slights. Maybe its best to just not take this personally. Maybe it doesn't have anything really to do with you at all because they don't know YOU. Once they do, things may change.

[RevChasBM]

Hi Kevin! I came out in 1989 after years of struggling with my sexuality as it related to my faith. I did not find it quite so difficult back then to make friends. But times do change. A lot of the issue may simply be where you are located. For instance, Dallas is one of the most pretentious cities on the planet. What you drive, where you live, what labels you wear, and such things seem to be of the utmost importance to many people here. I found this city to be very inhospitable when I first moved here in late 2001. Most guys here will sooner turn away without saying a word if you speak to them in a public establishment, rather than offer a friendly response. Frankly, I was shocked when I first moved here and found people to be so cold and unfriendly (on the "strip" in our local "gayborhood," that is). But I did find some establishments that were less popular, off the beaten path, that proved to accommodate far friendlier crowds. It was just a matter of looking around a bit to find the right places that attract the right kind of people to suit you and your intentions. I have also lived in a number of other cities around the country, and I have found the atmosphere to be very different in those places. Honestly, NYC (where I lived for nearly ten years before coming to Dallas) was far more welcoming and friendly than Dallas. Hartford CT, New Haven CT, and Newark NJ also seemed far friendlier than Dallas, in my experience. Bottom line, please do not assume that what you are experiencing where you are is universal. It may not be at all true. And if all you seem to be able to find in your current fishing hole is catfish, consider finding another spot to fish for friends. God bless!