Open Relationships

[MikeW]

:eek:

..Couples therapy is something that has crossed my mind, but to a degree I wonder if it is worth holding onto if professional help is needed for a relationship between two mid-twenty year olds after just 6 years...

This statement doesn't sound logical to me. But then much of what you've said doesn't sound logical. Opening up a relationship "as a way to deal with a lack of sexual intimacy"? As I read that I was like WTF? Makes no sense to me at all.

Don't get me wrong. I've been in both open relationships and monogamous relationships. No value judgement there. Maybe I don't understand what you mean by "intimacy" and "sexual intimacy". To me these are related but different things. "Intimacy" has to do with emotional bonding and openness. Sexual intimacy is love making as opposed to just sex. To me anyway.

So what do you mean by these terms?

Given what you've said, I'm trying to understand why the two of you are together. Was the relationship different in the beginning? What changed? I mean it sounds like the way you're putting this that he just isn't all that into you. I mean, doesn't it seem that way to you? So... how did that happen?

Some relationships are worth fighting for (and thus the potential need for couples counseling for some, regardless of their age or the longevity of the relationship). Others... well... If whatever it was that brought you together and kept you together for this long is gone, its gone. There's no point in trying to "adjust" the relationship by opening it up or whatever. That just won't work.

So what it all boils down to me is, how much do you two really care for one another? Is there a connection here worth fighting for or not? And don't tell me about your partner. Tell me about you. How you're feeling. What you want and don't want. What you can live with and what you can't.

[Ceruleaan]

Thanks all,

I will try to talk to him, but I'm beginning to come around to the harsher things that have been said on here. It is long past time to take a cold hard look at whatever it is that is between us, and take action from there.

If anyone else has advice to give, wants to chime in, or as ever heard of, seen, or experienced anything remotely like this, please post.

At this point I've spoken to a friend about staying with them for an indeterminate amount of time - both to get some distance and to see how he reacts. We'll see how that goes.

Thanks again for all the thoughtful posts, and I look forward to hearing more.

Cheers,

James

[Cuddly]

I'm like you, touchy feely ready to go anytime anywhere and that's the most difficult part of having an age gap of 30 years in the relationship. I'm insatiable and that does frustrate me at times.

So I understand the need to be touched, held and kissed all over and the pain you feel when it's not happening. The difference is that he's apparently touching plenty, just not you. Ouch. In my opinion you need to have a talk about needs and how you feel when he's being cuddly with others. My guess is that he's not attracted to you anymore, maybe because he knows he can have you.

I hope it works out or if it doesn't I hope you'll be alright.

[Pacific]

While a lot of the components of open relationships can be rather complex, one area that should be simple is: if one partner starts giving "more" (affection) to outsiders than their primary partner, it's probably a bad sign. I always thought the idea was that the openness was to "enhance" the primary relationship, not slowly replace it. Also, did you two ever discuss the boundaries that would make you both comfortable? He is doing this stuff right in front of you it sounds like, so most likely he does not believe there is an issue and may have no idea how you're feeling...Open relationships come in different degrees.