Criminal scum of a brother.

[Anonymous]

I am just tired of this situation... I dont know what to do. My brother is 26 years old, and is going through a heavy depression so it's so hard to talk it out with him since he doesn't reach out to any of us and if we are trying to reach out to him he takes it as we're invading him.

He has no education, he quit junior high and has spend his time since then (9-12 years ago) in a criminal direction. He is not a gang member or anything big, but he is just a lowly thug that depends on stealing (and selling) merchandise, selling and growing drugs and burglary.

His attitude during his whole life has been that no one has ever reached out for him when he was reaching for help, like school or other things, but from what I've seen he is not doing anything to contribute to his well-being. He is not doing simplest things like if I ask him to cook, clean, od laundry or anything at time, he just says yes but nothing happens ever and if I am asking again am I just "nagging".

But that is his attitude towards anything. We suspect that he has ADHD, or some, but he has never ever gotten it certified and has no intentions of doing so ever. He was tried to take some classes to get his grades up but it's always the same fucking procedure... He quits after 1 month and complains how it's not his thing... But nothing is ever his thing. Helping others with disabilities is not his thing, cooking is not his thing, he is not willing to try anything out like volunteer for someting just to get an idea if he likes it or not. He just lacks ambisions towards everything that doesn't envolve fast cash (Stealing shit and selling it the next day).

I love him, but with the older I become the more it bothers me. 3 years ago it didn't really bother me, but during these 3 years has he been to jail 3 times, been to 2 drug rehab clinics... And everytimes I get my hopes up that he will get his life on track but nope... He just goes back to his old drug habits.

His father kicked him out when he was 17-18 years old, so it's me and my mother left to support him. He isn't mad at his father, but my brother have never forgiven him of this action. The most annoying thing is that he isn't retarded or dumb. He is really fucking smart and can learn advanced physics and astronomy just by self learn from the internet and he learns it quick.

He claims to be drug free all the time, but he almost died this september from drug overdoze. I hoped that it would be an eye opener and it was ... for a month. Now his girlfriend whom he have had an abusive relationship with (She hit him, and he yells back) and is talking about how nothing really matters, how society has given up on him, about how insignificant his life really is. But he never ever faces the facts that the only person whom can change his life is his own 2 hands.

Just right now he just took my moms company car without permision just to do some graffiti (he has no drivers licence, and I knew that he was on medicine earlier on so he may face 3 charges if arrested... Theft of car, drug intoxicating and driving, and driving without licence). He asked me if I could drive him around like a chafeur while he is painting but I declined because of several reasons, and instead he took the car and drove away.

I just.. Fuck! I hate this... I dont know what to do, I dont know what to say. If I am being mad at him he will only take it personal saying that I never suport him, but if I ignore it, or am being polite he will just say to me to stop nagging and continue.

I know that his drug addiction started 2 years ago, when he witnessed his best friend whom was morbidly obese die from a overdoze, ad he have not been able to process it. I've tried to sugest it to him to seek help for this trauma but no... He doesn't want to but later on complains how society have failed him.

I love him, but I hate his ways. We're brother afterall and we're so much the same... We think and question the same stuff, but we act on completelly different ways. I know life is a bitch and I've studied 4,5 years to come where I am today, although that I am recently unemployed have I still come a long way in my carrer, while he is not ever passing the first month of anything. He complains that I am slow and undecisive... But he fails to see that his spontainious, hotheaded rabbit ways have not even made him pass through step one, while the slow turtle has reached step 15.

what can I do to help him help himself? How to I unload this burden from both mine my mother and my brothers chest, and to enlighten him that life is what YOU make of it, not what it makes of you?

[Anonymous]

I meant that his abusive girlfriend have broken up and he is unable to on afterwards

[Anocxu]

There is absolutely nothing you can do to help him...

His psychological profile ( From what you described ) suggests he is an adult that put himself in a terrible position and is constantly being enabled by different sources.

You have to separate yourself just a bit... I know it's tough but ..as much as you care .. it's his life..his path and his responsibilities.

[LJay]

I, and I am sure others here, have been more in your shoes than you can imagine.

The only way you will ever be able to help him is to get him at arm's length and in the hands of professionals. That may well mean, initially, in jail.

For your own good, get yourself and your mother to a counselor and try to sort out your side of things.

The only person who can change his life is he himself. Until he comes up against a situation that he cannot bluff his way out of he will continue to have problems.

It is a rough road. I am sorry that you are traveling on it. Good luck. Keep yourself out of trouble and healthy. One day, after he comes to terms with himself, it will mean that you are in better shape to help.

[Pix]

Sounds like a vicious circle. Different people enable him so he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions, and therefore has little to motivate him to change when he can just go to you, his mother, and probably others to take care of him, and probably hold himself hostage (insinuating or declaring outright that he'll OD or suicide or go to prison if you don't enable him this way).

And so he escapes the consequences, and yet because he fails himself in not climbing out of the ditch he's fallen into, he has miserable self-esteem and self-hatred. Why? Because he's not an adult in practice, he has no control over his life, it's just easier to let other people take care of him and thus he is dependent on those who enable him which destroys his self-esteem and drives him to do drugs and the like to escape the self-loathing he feels, and if it spurs more enabling then so much the better from one perspective (save he's trapped in a cycle that he hates as much as the rest of you).

Since acting like a functional adult isn't "his thing" then the only thing I can see doing is either kick him out and let him rant and rave in the consequences of his actions and hope he survives to find the fire he needs to be reborn from his own metaphoric ashes (as plenty like him have done, though others wind up in cults and the like as well), or have him declared mentally ill and essentially invalid and get him on disability. Neither one is easy, but at least some resolution should come from it rather than the limbo of this vicious circle you're all caught in right now.

[Borg69]

He sounds spoiled and full of excuses to justify being lazy, while you and your mom are enabling him.

If he's doing drugs and/or stealing, the best place for him is in jail. It keeps him safe from himself, it keeps his victims safe, and it keeps you safe. It's a hard decision no one wants to make, but it's the best one.

[trywait]

time for some tough love

[matty7]

He is changed by drugs and he has not hit rock bottom yet to even give them up , lots of people make the promise to give up and get help etc (even after an OD) but until they have actually mentally and/or physically hit bottom then they are full of shit,

you can try to help him be a better Him !!! but just because you are brothers doesn't mean you are the same people.....the things that would motivate you to self help may be the exact opposite for him - I guess you have to keep trying to find something that works if your willing to stick with him....not easy when someone's goal is to steal to get drug money on a daily basis I presume

[MikeW]

...what can I do to help him help himself? How to I unload this burden from both mine my mother and my brothers chest, and to enlighten him that life is what YOU make of it, not what it makes of you?

You can not save anyone who will not save himself. The hard part for you (and your mom) is letting him go. Letting him hit bottom. Is probably the best you *can* do.

[Insertnamehere]

*Sigh*

He needs to be thrown to life. Meaning you and your family need to cut ties, for the moment. The only way he has a chance of getting out of this is for him to be forced to help himself.