Private Message posted publicly with the OP's permission:
nm1012 Wrote:Thanks for the detailed response on the forum. I agree, it is harder for gay men to find long lasting relationships and that it isn't all it's cracked up to be.
However, you have been in two major relationships and I'm assuming other little flings here and there. I may be young, but I've had none of that while both straight AND gay people around have. I'm not searching for my life partner; I'm searching for someone to see even what a relationship entails. I'm a lot stronger that I know I'd be fine in the end if it didn't work out - I've been through way harder experiences in my life already.
So I appreciate your advice, but I'm sorry because it's not going to stop me from feeling how I feel...
My emphasis and my reply:
Oh man, don't be sorry. OF COURSE nothing I say is going to change how you feel! The only person who can change how you feel is you. But there's nothing "wrong" with feeling lonely, not to mention horny as fuck (which most young gay guys do). You're craving something and you're not sure how to "get it".
Let's go back to your OP where you say:
nm1012 Wrote:I've hooked up with guys and gone on dates, but I'm either not attracted to the guy at all or the conversation is very poor. I know I have good qualities to offer, but I also feel like there must be something inherently wrong with me if I have never been in a relationship...
Ok so first of all I don't know you. I only know what you've told me, where you live, how old you are, what you're studying... and what you're struggling with as above. Yes, you are young (under 25), and have a whole lifetime of experiences in front of you. INCLUDING the very thing you're craving.... direct experience in the "relationship" department. I have no idea when or how that's going to show up, I only know that it will. It's almost inevitable.
But what you're asking for, so far as I understand it, is advice... so lets dig into what I've quoted above... As I understand it
- You have hooked up with a few guys
- You have gone on a few dates
- However, these don't turn out as you'd like because a) either you're not really attracted to the guy or b) conversation is poor
- You know you have good qualities BUT
- You feel there must be something inherently wrong with you
- Because you've never been in a relationship
I want to address the last part first because I think (could be totally wrong about all this and I know it) it is the most important.
You do understand that feeling there must be something inherently wrong with you because you've never been in a relationship, especially at your age, is IRRATIONAL, right? Not logical? So... this feeling, this sense of something wrong, is PSYCHOLOGICAL. You're doubting yourself, doubting your ability to have or be in a relationship.
Alright, well, can you be more objective? ARE THERE "reasons" why? "Reasons" that you can actually DO something about and "fix" in some way? There are some things you can't fix, right? You can't "fix" the fact you're still in your early 20s. That isn't a problem, its just you are still quite young and relatively inexperienced in worldly things. No big deal. There's also the fact that you don't live in a big city. There are other gay guys around you but, so far at least, you haven't found one you "click" with sexually or personality wise. Objectively, these facts don't have anything to do with something being "wrong" with you, right? They're just the way things are.
BUT... and this is what I want to focus on because I see it SO MUCH in gay youth... you FEAR there might be something inherently, FUNDAMENTALLY, wrong with you. This is what I want you to look at. Get into. Explore. Find out about. Understand. Come to terms with.
IS there something *fundamentally* "wrong" with YOU?
I have no idea. We've never met. Maybe, despite your youth, you look more like Emperor Palpatine on a good day...
...And are an EVIL, maniacal, self-centered, manipulative SOB, who delights in killing little forest creatures and roasting babies alive, and whose sole agenda in life is to make everyone else as miserable as he is.
Could be. [MENTION=21000]verysimple[/MENTION] "ANYTHING is possible," right?
But, since that isn't highly likely, I have to ask: WHAT *could be* inherently, FUNDAMENTALLY "wrong" with YOU? “Fundamentally” is deep. Not something superficial. Not something easily changed, even if you wanted to change it.
How is it that you doubt yourself?
What are you afraid of about yourself? That is to say, what do you FEAR *may* be true about you?
Just to be clear, I ask questions like this not because I want you to spill your guts here in a public forum. I'm asking you to THINK about this. Seriously. You've begun to tie yourself up in a knot here, right? You've begun to feel uncomfortable about yourself... and in a way, perhaps. blame yourself for something. Well, but why are you doing that? What's the point of that? Either there IS something "wrong" with you -- something you need to look at and change about yourself if you can -- or there isn't.
We've talked about this in this forum before to some extent. To what extent should I "change myself" to be "attractive" or "appealing" to someone else, especially a potential boy friend?
I think the general consensus is that, although this is something to consider,
we need to look at it from the POV of what is "right" for us. For example, if I'm overweight and I'm mostly attracted to physically fit guys who aren't interested in "fat" guys... well... I have to ask myself... can I, am I willing to, change? And if I do,
if I don't do it FOR MYSELF, for my own health and sense of self worth and so on...
then chances are likely that at some point I'll slip back into my old habits. Chances are (in this example) I'm not going to STAY lean and mean. At some point, I'll fall off the wagon and go back to the same flabby physical state I was in before.
So that's just an example. It could be anything. Maybe the way I judge other people as not being good enough or interesting enough. Maybe I have too long a list of attributes that someone I’m dating has to match up with for me to get turned on by or interested in them. Do I want to look at that? Change that? Or do I want to accept that that's the way I am? I have a right to have what I want and nothing less?
To me, what it all boils down to is this:
If I know my own truth, what is true for me, what I want, and I ACCEPT this truth about myself, this puts me in a state of mind which is NOT “self-doubt”.
When I’m in a state of “self-doubt” I “project” that out into the world. This makes it more difficult for me to “find” or “connect” with other guys. To some extent, I’m not “available” to “connect” with them because I’m feeling unsure of myself in some way. I'm always "holding back" for some reason.
Does that make sense?
OTOH, if I’m feeling self-confident, if I feel OK with myself as I am (more ore less), then that isn’t happening in me. I feel fine meeting someone, going out on a date. So what if we don’t “hook up” or even get on very well? At least I put myself out there and made the effort to find someone and try. I know that its just a matter of time, a matter of circumstances, to an extent, just a matter of “dumb luck” as to when, where, how and who I meet. I don’t “worry” about it and I don’t “obsess” about it.
Does any of this make sense?
DO you have issues you need to deal with around potential relationships, even relations that are less that “life partner” status? If so, what are they? How do you relate to them? Are they problems to be solved or fixed? Do you want to? How do you focus on that? Do I need to talk with a counselor or therapist? Or do I just need to chill out??
OR>.. is all this just too many words, TL;DR, too much thought, too much thinking and not enough just BEING and letting shit happen?
Do I just need to say, FUCK IT, I’m going to enjoy my youth!! I’m going to have a blast doing what I do!! I'm going to have all the fun I can stand! I’m not going to envy my friends for what they have and I don’t. I’m just going to go with the flow and live my life day to day, open to new experiences and possibilities? Open to meeting new guys and seeing them for who they are.
Your life is in your hands, dude. No one else can make it better than you do. Not even a BF can do that. Oh, yeah, for sure, for the first few weeks or months… it is all new and exciting and hot and whatever. But beyond that, its really what you (and he) make of it because we ALL come with a certain amount of baggage. That’s just life.
The question is what do we really, truly want? AND are we willing to let ourselves have it?
.