my BIG Epiphany.

[verysimple]

Personally.
I think most of us..at one point or another think our families are downright dysfunctional. .
till we live a little more.. grow a little more , or till we are able to make objective comparisons.

I think my immediate and extended family is a little wacky..
All my close friends think my family is awesome just to give an example.

Get this, there is no "Perfect family" on this planet. Every family, even those you thought were amazing are fucked up. Every family on this planet deals with a little dysfuctionality! And I think it is needed to have a bit dysfunctionality to create balance. Imagine a family that is always happy and loving with no fights and no issues.. They'd be really creepy walking around with a big grin on their faces. A little dysfunctionality is normal just as long as it doesn't become too much or become toxic.

[verysimple]

Oh, yes. I feel you on this. I remember too well a post I read that said "You should be thankful you have a family, some people don't"

Well, that depends on the family doesn't it?

Some are good. Good for the members of that family.

Some are not. Some are toxic and damaging and removing yourself from that environment shouldn't be considered a bad thing.




This right here, is key.

As a general rule, cut out the toxic parts of your life. If the family becomes toxic, and certainly some do, the cut it out of your life. Why keep something that damages you? Why let yourself fall on the same behaviors?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Your family doesn't have to be your blood. They can be fetched. Friends, best friends, a boyfriend, a husband and children... Family are the people who are there for you and they support you in all ways not hurt you and fuck you up. That's no family.

[MickTheMousie]

Welcome to the "dettached from the family" group

Yup welcome

And also that pretty much sounds like my plan, though i also wanna do name change

[verysimple]

if you do finally break free then I wouldn't be quick to delete phone numbers or Facebook straight away - you never know but they may finally realise that you are your own person with his own mind and personality and they just might realise that they have to treat you like an equal if they want you in their lives ....you never know !!!

It's possible. But the chance of this happening is.. hmmm, 0.99%

These people will never budge, they won't change as long as they believe that they are right. And when they think that they are always right well then that's a huge issue. They made a pattern out of being always right. Well, that's on them. It's over for me. Anywho.. I'm sure they'll regret missing out on me when I leave them behind with their miserable lives. They're my family and I know them best. I've been living with these people for 20 years now.

[MickTheMousie]

I hope you follow through with it verysimple.....

Divorcing my family was the best thing I ever did..I have not regretted a single thing about it except that I didn't do it sooner.....

The problem is,..for me anyway..the whole world is out to shove the whole "Family is everything".(ON WHAT PLANET????)...."You only get one family"(DO YOU PROMISE????) ...."Family is the only thing you've got" (THEN SHOOT ME NOW).....bullshit down your throat...

WHO THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE???????

Ever see the statistics on molestation and violence in the family???? ...and the damage psychological abuse does might even be worse..and how can these fucking people who repeat this bullshit and try to shove it down your throat be so damn clueless?????...like walk in my shoes before you tell me one fucking thing about my "family"....GRRRRRR

Guess what Hallmark? Psychopaths and Sociopaths and Narcissists and Sadists and Molesters and Drug Addicts...uh..they have children....and their children are screwed...so do them a favor and stop with the "Family is Everything" crap because they probably already feel guilty or ashamed of themselves...just for being born....

UGH...end of rant.....

I think I am more angry now at the people who spew all that crap about the importance of family than my actual family who I have been working as hard as I can to forgive for years...for ME...not them....and I am close...but it is a bitch to get even as far as I have...not done yet.....

The thing is...if you learn toxic behavior...and then you pretend it is OK...you are basically gonna repeat the pattern...or you can tell them to fuck off..and break the pattern....

Good Luck [MENTION=21000]verysimple[/MENTION]

I hate my family, like hell, and i wanna say BYEBYE some day, but i will still agree with the ones who says that family is everything cuz it is, family are the people you can rely on no matter what situation you're in, no matter how screwed you are, the only thing about
family is that, family is not necessarily the ppl who you grew up with, family is something you create your self blood dont say shit about what you feel for a certain person

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I think most families are dysfunctional... There are people I'm related to who I haven't spoke to in 15 years and you know what they make bad life choices... One of my cousins had her kids take away and all sorts of drama, just glad I didn't get wrapped with that.

My only advice is be careful, you have to be able to keep your distance, you also want to make sure you're not going to say/do something you'll regret although it might seem appropriate now and possibly for a while. Don't want to get angry (like me), say or do things that you may regret (like me). My parents are no different, I don't really have anything in common with them anymore and they do and say things that drive me up the wall, fortunately we get along pretty well and just learned to keep my distance and they for the most part do the same....once I get portions of my debt paid off I will be able to move out which is something I really been needing to do for a long time.

[Maverick]

VerySimple,

This qoute from Reinhold Niebuhr about says it all...

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."


You have reached a pivotal point in your life, in where you've come to understand how your family thinks, and realize there is no way to change it. You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you, so don't allow your dreams to diminish "for someone else" or live according to the "wishes of others"... after all, it's your life! Sometimes you have to make tough choices, and "distancing" yourself from others whom "pull you down" is something you have to do (whether it be family, friends, or loved ones). Never easy, but only you know what's best for you, and as I said earlier, it's your life and you should be able to live it the way you want to. Now I'm not advocating being a self-center/self-absorbed person and say "be damned" to everyone else and just do what you want to without thinking of others, but just know where the line is and what is important to you.

Once you get to a point where you are able to "distance" yourself from your family, I'd recommend (if possible) to try and stay in touch with them; but have a strong set of boundaries in place, and don't allow them to attempt to manipulate you into doing anything you don't want to do, nor "give you grief" for choosing to live your life the way you see fit. IF they cannot abide to your terms, then by all means, cut off communication.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Insertnamehere]

[MENTION=21000]verysimple[/MENTION] [MENTION=23195]MickTheMousie[/MENTION]

It's simple. If the family is toxic, leave it behind. Don't take any of that crap or else it'll poison you.

Don't fall for the "awww, but it's your family, you HAVE to see them every now and then"

Do so if you want to, not because someone else gets "moral" and tells you you're doing a bad thing.

It will never be a bad thing to do what is right for your own well being.

But, keep in mind this:

1) Work of self-sufficiency FIRST. You have to be able to support yourselves if you areto leave the family behind.

2) Form a net of people around you that can serve as a "family". Don't be on your own.

That's what I can give you as a piece of advice.

[Maverick]

I agree with Insertnamehere, surround yourself with friends. Remember, "family" doesn't necessarily mean blood.

[MikeW]

Get this, there is no "Perfect family" on this planet. Every family, even those you thought were amazing are fucked up. Every family on this planet deals with a little dysfuctionality! And I think it is needed to have a bit dysfunctionality to create balance. Imagine a family that is always happy and loving with no fights and no issues.. They'd be really creepy walking around with a big grin on their faces. A little dysfunctionality is normal just as long as it doesn't become too much or become toxic.

I want to address what I put in bold. You seem to have a misconception about what a "functional" (as opposed to "dysfunctional") family is.

A functional family isn't always "walking around with a big grin on their faces." Functional families have problems because life has problems. The question is, how is that "problem" being dealt with? Is communication open and honest? Are the family members being respectful of one another and their differences? Do they acknowledge and maintain good personal boundaries and other family dynamics?

There are ALWAYS going to be difficulties in relationships. I don't care if they are with your birth family or your neighbors or your teachers or the friends you've made once you've grown up or your partners or husbands.... there are *always* going to be problems.

The question is, how do we deal with those problems?

Part of the problem of growing up in a dysfunctional family (or culture) is we do not learn HOW to deal with things in a functional way. This is why dysfunctional family dynamics tend to propagate themselves, generation after generation. The parents didn't learn what they needed to learn from their parents and, therefore, they can't teach it to their children either directly or through example.

You've grown up in a culture and family that hasn't given you the tools you need to live a happier life. You have to struggle constantly with the distortions they've engrained into you. You may not even be aware of how all this works. I'm going to say you are NOT aware of how all this works. I don't see how you could be without a lot of help. None of us (in my experience) can. We've all been given distorted self images... and even if we consciously rebel against their influence, the reality is that influence is there. Deeply implanted in us from our earliest experiences of life.

So... I suspect you'll begin to understand more what I'm saying as you age and find yourself in various sorts of relationships outside your family. It is far easier to get out of a family than it is to get the family out of you. But you're not going to understand what I mean by that until you've been on your own and dealing with other relationships. Employers, and fellow employees, for example. Any situation where there are those who have authority over you and can "recreate" family dynamics. Same thing with anyone you have authority over.