my BIG Epiphany.

[verysimple]

Well I think most families are dysfunctional... There are people I'm related to who I haven't spoke to in 15 years and you know what they make bad life choices... One of my cousins had her kids take away and all sorts of drama, just glad I didn't get wrapped with that.

My only advice is be careful, you have to be able to keep your distance, you also want to make sure you're not going to say/do something you'll regret although it might seem appropriate now and possibly for a while. Don't want to get angry (like me), say or do things that you may regret (like me). My parents are no different, I don't really have anything in common with them anymore and they do and say things that drive me up the wall, fortunately we get along pretty well and just learned to keep my distance and they for the most part do the same....once I get portions of my debt paid off I will be able to move out which is something I really been needing to do for a long time.

and that makes the two of us, so amen to that brutha ... Just thinking about it itself is a relief to me .. IF someone doesn't value you, they deserve to lose you!!

[verysimple]

VerySimple,

This qoute from Reinhold Niebuhr about says it all...

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."


You have reached a pivotal point in your life, in where you've come to understand how your family thinks, and realize there is no way to change it. You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you, so don't allow your dreams to diminish "for someone else" or live according to the "wishes of others"... after all, it's your life! Sometimes you have to make tough choices, and "distancing" yourself from others whom "pull you down" is something you have to do (whether it be family, friends, or loved ones). Never easy, but only you know what's best for you, and as I said earlier, it's your life and you should be able to live it the way you want to. Now I'm not advocating being a self-center/self-absorbed person and say "be damned" to everyone else and just do what you want to without thinking of others, but just know where the line is and what is important to you.

Once you get to a point where you are able to "distance" yourself from your family, I'd recommend (if possible) to try and stay in touch with them; but have a strong set of boundaries in place, and don't allow them to attempt to manipulate you into doing anything you don't want to do, nor "give you grief" for choosing to live your life the way you see fit. IF they cannot abide to your terms, then by all means, cut off communication.

Good luck and keep us posted!

True, I accept that this is the way they are and trying to change them "For the better" only creates conflict ... For now, it is hard for me to be able to take in the thought of staying in touch because I can't wait to just leave. Maybe later when I am far far away from them, I'll keep chatting to a limited extent with them.. With our communication.. I'm sure there won't be much to talk about more than "Hi, how are you?" kinda conversations ...

[verysimple]

[MENTION=21000]verysimple[/MENTION] [MENTION=23195]MickTheMousie[/MENTION]

It's simple. If the family is toxic, leave it behind. Don't take any of that crap or else it'll poison you.

Don't fall for the "awww, but it's your family, you HAVE to see them every now and then"

Do so if you want to, not because someone else gets "moral" and tells you you're doing a bad thing.

It will never be a bad thing to do what is right for your own well being.

But, keep in mind this:

1) Work of self-sufficiency FIRST. You have to be able to support yourselves if you areto leave the family behind.

2) Form a net of people around you that can serve as a "family". Don't be on your own.

That's what I can give you as a piece of advice.

Thank you! Already working on that..

[verysimple]

I want to address what I put in bold. You seem to have a misconception about what a "functional" (as opposed to "dysfunctional") family is.

A functional family isn't always "walking around with a big grin on their faces." Functional families have problems because life has problems. The question is, how is that "problem" being dealt with? Is communication open and honest? Are the family members being respectful of one another and their differences? Do they acknowledge and maintain good personal boundaries and other family dynamics?

There are ALWAYS going to be difficulties in relationships. I don't care if they are with your birth family or your neighbors or your teachers or the friends you've made once you've grown up or your partners or husbands.... there are *always* going to be problems.

The question is, how do we deal with those problems?

Part of the problem of growing up in a dysfunctional family (or culture) is we do not learn HOW to deal with things in a functional way. This is why dysfunctional family dynamics tend to propagate themselves, generation after generation. The parents didn't learn what they needed to learn from their parents and, therefore, they can't teach it to their children either directly or through example.

You've grown up in a culture and family that hasn't given you the tools you need to live a happier life. You have to struggle constantly with the distortions they've engrained into you. You may not even be aware of how all this works. I'm going to say you are NOT aware of how all this works. I don't see how you could be without a lot of help. None of us (in my experience) can. We've all been given distorted self images... and even if we consciously rebel against their influence, the reality is that influence is there. Deeply implanted in us from our earliest experiences of life.

So... I suspect you'll begin to understand more what I'm saying as you age and find yourself in various sorts of relationships outside your family. It is far easier to get out of a family than it is to get the family out of you. But you're not going to understand what I mean by that until you've been on your own and dealing with other relationships. Employers, and fellow employees, for example. Any situation where there are those who have authority over you and can "recreate" family dynamics. Same thing with anyone you have authority over.

Yeah, I am getting none of this.. Now, I may disagree with some of it but that's only because I know you are speaking from a personal experience ... Which doesn't apply to me.. I may have gotten the family out of me, but again I may not have understood what you just said to me.. this is some deep psychology there.

[MikeW]

Yeah, I am getting none of this.. Now, I may disagree with some of it but that's only because I know you are speaking from a personal experience ... Which doesn't apply to me.. I may have gotten the family out of me, but again I may not have understood what you just said to me.. this is some deep psychology there.

Yeah, it is deep psychology.

What I'm really talking about is self-awareness.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that NONE of us *ever* get our birth families "out of us". Those fundamental patterns are laid down way to early. It's like an OS (operating system) in a computer. Only, we can't replace ours. Once its developed, there it is.

The difference between humans and computers is that we *can be* (but most often are not) SELF-AWARE. We can observe what we do, think, feel; and we can make choices based on those observations.

The problem is, we're conditioned (mostly by our families) to see ourselves and everyone else a certain way. Can we see differently? Yes, of course, but not without some effort and some self awareness on our part.

[verysimple]

Yeah, it is deep psychology.

What I'm really talking about is self-awareness.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that NONE of us *ever* get our birth families "out of us". Those fundamental patterns are laid down way to early. It's like an OS (operating system) in a computer. Only, we can't replace ours. Once its developed, there it is.

The difference between humans and computers is that we *can be* (but most often are not) SELF-AWARE. We can observe what we do, think, feel; and we can make choices based on those observations.

The problem is, we're conditioned (mostly by our families) to see ourselves and everyone else a certain way. Can we see differently? Yes, of course, but not without some effort and some self awareness on our part.

If that's what you mean then I sure as hell have gotten to this point... I definitely think, act and live differently than my family 100%... I know because I have observed myself and the way I am and the way they are.. why else is there so much conflict? It's cuz I am very different from what they are ... Especially this year, I consider myself no longer belonging to them.. I don't expect anything from them, Not even basic needs like nutrition. I've been aware of my subconscious mind too lately.. and working on changing that as well.. Cuz the way my subconscious mind works, The thoughts it is thinking are what appear to be, negative and they will change. Inshallah

[verysimple]

Yeah, it is deep psychology.

What I'm really talking about is self-awareness.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that NONE of us *ever* get our birth families "out of us". Those fundamental patterns are laid down way to early. It's like an OS (operating system) in a computer. Only, we can't replace ours. Once its developed, there it is.

The difference between humans and computers is that we *can be* (but most often are not) SELF-AWARE. We can observe what we do, think, feel; and we can make choices based on those observations.

The problem is, we're conditioned (mostly by our families) to see ourselves and everyone else a certain way. Can we see differently? Yes, of course, but not without some effort and some self awareness on our part.

And I think to change that you need an experience much more intense and stronger than what your family passed on to you and I think I already had that experience ..