I have this fear.

[Anonymous]

Now, I'm not really complaining about anything in particular. But I've been thinking about some stuff. It's weird. I'm actually turning 20 in a month and I have this fear. You see all my friends already started hooking up and what not. Getting 'experience', I suppose. And my friend and I talked about it and he said "Well, you wouldn't wanna be inexperience in your first relationship, would you? Especially since you're not really 18 anymore." Now don't get me wrong, I understood the absurdity of that statement. Logically I know. However, it struck a small flame of doubt inside of me, and it spread into "what ifs". Would my potential dates think there's something wrong with me if I ended up being some 30 year old virgin( hopefully, it won't that long).

Now I understand that Virginity is pretty much a social concept. However, since it IS a social concept, it implies certain things. Inexperience. Prude. Maybe something weird or wrong. Would my potential dates see it like that? Like maybe there's something wrong or odd about me. Now I know, whoever stops dating someone just because they're sexually inexperience is probably not someone I would wanna date anyways, but what if?

[Miles]

but what if?

Then they stop dating you, you move on and try with someone else.

[meridannight]

Would my potential dates think there's something wrong with me if I ended up being some 30 year old virgin( hopefully, it won't that long).

it implies certain things. Inexperience. Prude. Maybe something weird or wrong. Would my potential dates see it like that? Like maybe there's something wrong or odd about me. Now I know, whoever stops dating someone just because they're sexually inexperience is probably not someone I would wanna date anyways, but what if?

honestly? yes, a guy who is 30 and still a virgin, that would leave me with an impression that he has some sort of social dysfunction somewhere down the line. there just doesn't exist a person who doesn't want sex long before that age. failure to actually achieve sexual outlet with another person by then, does equate with a problem in communication skills and the ability to interact appropriately with other people to me.

additionally, i have met a couple of guys in person who claimed they were still virgins around that age, and there was an obvious social impairment to them. one of those guys was gay and he lived in a rural area, so maybe that contributed to it, but then again, i grew up in a rural area myself and...it just doesn't compute.

i would definitely have an apprehension with regard to being with a grown man of 30 who hasn't ever had sex. that immature component is something entirely unattractive to me and it would cause some alarm bells to go off about his ability of self-expression and regard for other people.

this isn't entirely some psychological construct. it's a reality. by the end of your twenties at the latest you should be developed enough to adequately express yourself and satisfy your physical and emotional needs as well as be able to and want to satisfy the needs of other people. the opposite amounts to being a social cripple, just like the person who isn't capable of reading by the age of 10 (let's say) has a definite cognitive deficit obvious to everyone in our age.


don't take this the wrong way. you're 20, and it is not altogether uncommon for some guys to be a bit late bloomers. why would you even think you have to be concerned about this? are you planning on not having sex for the next decade? are you afraid to interact with other people, or have some impairment with that?

[hank]

I wouldn't worry about it. The right person won't care.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I'm going to be 30 and I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing...

I guess I should start hooking up because this relationship business is like trying to sell Avon...

Don't worry about not having experience, if unless you're just out to hook up anyway... If someone likes you and cares about you, they will be patient...sadly to say most guys don't care, either they want sex or they have some other crazy expectations... people are weird... repeat after me, people are weird. If you have insecurities, or worried about what something thinks of you...well guess what a lot of other people, guys, girls everyone is probably thinking the same thing. We are both very much alike and different... we often share the same fears, heartaches but we don't all like sushi, or playing games, or taking risks...

I wish I could be 20 again so I could do it all over again and NOT make the same stupid mistakes with some people so I didn't waste so much time and energy. Stop worrying about trying to get into a relationship too, if it happens, it happens and don't be afraid to let it happen. People are far too worried about getting hurt, or hurting other people that we just forget what it is all about. Just don't get confused between all the words that start with "L" -- like, lust and love... They all seem so different, but for me anyway, seems to be blurry at times. Trust your gut instinct about people...FROM THE START. I don't know how many times I've muttered to myself, should have went with my gut instinct. You know that feel you get when you meet someone new and your initial thoughts are...they're a fucking idiot...well they might be... Not saying gut instincts are right 100% of the time, they aren't, but keep your guard up when you think something isn't quite right...

Anyway...that is a lot..but stop worrying so much about crap that in 10 years isn't going to mean jack shit. Sorry to be blunt, but nothing I did 10 years ago other than working on getting my foot into the IT field did anything for me... I have none of the same friends and became friends with people I never knew....

Oh there's a song for this... You might find it a bit lame but always good advice imo....




Anyway...that's enough ranting for now.. Hope you find some of this useful...

[LJay]

Sounds to me as though you are afraid of not being like everyone else...except they aren't like they say they are. A certain number of the exploits they brag about never happen. A good number of guys who tell you they are experts really aren't and the same goes for the virgin thing.

The first thing you must do is to be yourself. Go for what YOU want and not for what your friends tell you to want. There is no schedule and no deadline involved here. Things will happen in good time.

As for your friend who thinks that one can prep for a relationship. His lack of experience is showing. Apparently no one has told him that there is no pattern to that either.

[Camfer]

I don't think virginity was ever a concept for men. It was a concept for women, so that a man had some assurance that she would bear his and only his children. Both the women and the children were considered property.

Do what's right for you. Drop archaic concepts. If you conform to your own ideals, and they are healthy, you should be fine. 19 and not yet sexual could be just fine. 30 and not yet sexual might be anomalous and cause for concern.

Personally, no, I never wanted to date a virgin. I never even thought about it. I never believed the concept applied to men. It was some concept for that other gender that I have enjoyed a few times, but who were never a big priority for me.

[MikeW]

... but what if?

What if you took that sack off your head? You really feel the need to ask this question anonymously? Why??? :eek:

IDK. Or, rather, actually I do.
[MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] has it totally wrong. Everyone says "be yourself," but that's such a sack of horse shit. Obviously, "being yourself" isn't getting you any action at all, right? If it were, you'd have gotten laid by now and wouldn't be asking this lame question with a sack on your head. And, yeah, there is a schedule. If you haven't gotten laid by... the hell with 30, I'd say by the time your 22... then there's obviously something majorly WRONG with you. I mean, for pity's sake, we're all horny men, we have needs, especially when we're young. SO... if you're not getting laid I have to ask, WTF not? Seriously? What are you doing? Jerking off to porn all the time?

And although it may be true that you can't "prep for a relationship" that doesn't mean you can't prep for good sex. You've probably heard the phrase "doing what comes naturally..." Well, the thing is, good sex doesn't just "come naturally". It is *learned* through *experience*. Good sex IS partly a matter of experience and partly a matter of feeling free to give and receive sexual pleasure with another guy. Preferably fucking like wild monkeys.

So, take that silly sack off, man up, stop dilly-dallying around and go get laid for pity's sake!

[East]

Gonna be honest...virgins scared me and I eventually avoided them but maybe not for the reason you would imagine.,....

See...a lot of times....a virgin will have an "idea" of how everything is supposed to be and might be waiting for a "prince". This is something that was drilled into young women for centuries..to have any "worth" as a woman..or a person..one must be "pure" for their husbands....

...gay men are starting to adopt this thinking..not a good development IMO

...and we think organized religion hasn't done it's damage...or that just gays had it bad...

I had to STOP this one guy who was a virgin I had sex with and explain to him that I didn't MAKE him feel anything...that HIS BODY felt it..I just did my part. I was a partner..not the one "in charge". It's like he wanted to give himself away just because he has a great orgasm because a great orgasm = love in his mind......

I had to explain the difference between love and lust...someone needs to write a handbook on the subject

...and now we are back to why I avoid virgins.....

There is one scenario that might be cool though...TWO VIRGINS exploring together...completely different dynamics there...I would look for that if I were you....

I would be afraid of the guy who is waiting for a virgin myself. EEK. You better be Snow Fucking White to pull that one off. A man looking for "purity" can be scary.....

[Insertnamehere]

Will be 30 in 2 years and I have dating experience of a 10 year old. It's a fact. People will dig it, don't dig it, be neutral about it.

Not a damn thing I can do about that. *shrugs*

Stop worrying so much over so little.