fear is controlling my life.

[Virge]

Yeah. memechose, I do tend to forget that there are shyster doctors. My GP is an absolute prince. When I talked to him about my mental health problems, he was right up front about saying that psychiatry might land me in the land of much heavier drugs than I wanted or needed. We listed some choices and he gave me the name of a behavioral psychologist. A good GP is worth their weight in platinum and everyone should make a real effort to find one. Another thing worth mentioning is that in these days of multiplying specialists [I have 7.] a good GP can help you to walk through the maze without getting lost.

Yeah but it's sad so many GPs aren't like that.

[Borg69]

Do your irrational fears have anything to do with your disturbing, morbid pictures in your album?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm going to make another suggestion, which isn't to far from seeking a therapist, however this method is free, confidential and most likely will open doors for you.

http://www.gaychurch.org/list-churches-by-state/?loc=TN lists churches in your area which are gay affirming/tolerant - meaning you are not going to go there and be bashed for being gay.

I would suggest one of these:
St. Anns Episcopal ChurchNashville, TNEpiscopal

St. Davids Episcopal ChurchNashville, TNEpiscopal


Why am I suggesting these?

Because many if not most of the ministers in the Episcopal church have a bit of real psychology training, and I know that the Anglican community support the secular mental health community via donations and charitable good works, thus either one of these churches will have a minster (priest) who will be able to talk to you more about this fear thing, in private and totally confidentially, to help you assess what kind of help you need.

On top of this, these churches will most likely have a long list of social programs in your community and can most likely hook you up with a therapist who is LGBT friendly, and works on at least sliding scale, if not offering free service.

I also notice in your profile (someone mentioned interesting pictures, so I just had to look) that you are with the suicide group here.

I think one of the important things if you are suicidal is to have trust-able people on your side. The Anglican Church isn't going to shove Jesus down your throat or insist you convert, sure they will make suggestions to do so... but its not mandatory. but it will provide you with safe people who are not going to have an agenda - well that isn't to say that is 100% certain, but most of the people in churches at least try to be good people, so you are safer there than at pool halls, bars and other scenes.

I also suspect you will find wise people who can befriend you and give you an ear and a shoulder. You may be surprised to discover that there are LGBT at these churches, which since you are a member of that club, it may make your life easier as a gay man in the straight world of Nashville.

As everyone else has pointed out, there is not enough data in your post to even get an idea of what you actually have, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, phobia? Each feel remarkable similar.

Depending on what this is and why you are going through it, the tools available to deal with it, cope with it vary greatly. Yes some include prescription medication, and if you go through a GP or psychiatrist they will medicate you and then leave you hanging.

This is why I think you should go to a safer source of consultation (a priest/minister) and as long as you are not saying things like "I'm going to kill myself today" s/he is legally obligated to keep confidences. So your 'secrets' will be safe.

Might be easier since this will be a person no one else in your life knows you know. Thus its not your doctor who you may feel may tell your folks or someone (illegal as all hell if he did since you are 18 and legally an adult, but that doesn't stop you from feeling he might).

[Spree]

Do your irrational fears have anything to do with your disturbing, morbid pictures in your album?

no those don't have anything to do with my fear what i see sometimes in the dark is not hanged men or slaughtered people no what i kept seeing in the dark that makes me close my eyes tight are white doll like things sitting in the corner or standing behind something always looking at me.

[MisterLove]

I'm also an extremely anxious person and I once had a panic attack, I could hardly breathe! I agree with everyone else: go see a doctor, it's no shame to seek professional help.

[MisterLove]

Fear is a horrible thing, it consumes you from the inside and can ruin your life. Like R.W. Fassbinder said, it 'devoures your soul'.

I recently went through an extremely stressful situation at work and I was actually afraid that I wasn't going to fulfil my obligations and be butchered by some bastards at school. Thank God everything turned out right, it was such a relief.

Another major stress factor in my life is my mother. She is a diagnosed schizophrenic and putting up with her paranoia, threats, insults, etc. is not easy. I know this may seem weird but even before she walks in the room I can already sense the fear - some sort of premonition or intuition, I can't really explain.

Are there any stress factors in your life that may explain your fears?

Again, go seek professional help ASAP!

[MikeW]

no those don't have anything to do with my fear what i see sometimes in the dark is not hanged men or slaughtered people no what i kept seeing in the dark that makes me close my eyes tight are white doll like things sitting in the corner or standing behind something always looking at me.

But you know they're not real, right? I mean, they're real to you in the sense that you experience them but they aren't real in the sense of something actually out there in the external world. They're something your mind is 'making up', projecting out there.

I've had this happen in various ways, too. One time I was being -- hmmm how to put it? -- 'stalked' by a kind of demon. I'll not go into the long story but it happened over a period of weeks. It was very strange because although I'm very imaginative, I'm no dummy and fairly rational about things. So I knew this was some sort of odd 'psychic' event, something happening inside myself. Although, I must say, on a couple occasions, this experience was so 'real' to me, I actually FELT (tactile sensation) this thing clawing into my back. It was totally terrifying.

Here's how I dealt with it: I decided that this 'thing' had a message for me, or, at any rate, was there for a 'reason' of some sort. Whatever was happening, I needed to understand it better. SO… I devised a kind of 'ritual' -- it was a bit spooky and weird but essentially I thought of a way to "call" to this "demon" and ask "him" to become present to me. I created a "space" (literally, like an alter, with candles and such) and sat there and in my mind called to him to come to me and 'talk' with me.

I'll not go into what happened but simply say that it sort of worked. I found out why he was there, where he came from, what he wanted from me. Basically he told me he wanted to take my life and I told him, "No, you can't have it." That was basically the end of that (not quite but sufficiently so).

So, who are these white doll like things? Why are they there? What do they represent? Can you stop being fearful of them and get to know them (in some sense of the word)? Since this is all taking place in our 'imagination' or our 'psyches' or 'minds', they're there for a 'reason'. It isn't just accidental. They 'represent' something. The clearer we become about what they represent, the less frightening they seem. If we 'get' the 'message' they're trying to convey, they'll likely go alway completely.

That's my take on this kind of thing anyway.

But, yeah, professional help is a good idea. Good advice in this thread.

[ChadCoxRox]

I'm going to make another suggestion

LoViNg this post right here mate. Cheers!

[loveme]

yeah this sounds like an anxiety attack, I am not going to say get help but i would recommend it. I get anxiety attacks all the time but I am the opposite of you. I would rather be in the dark and isolate my self from everyone else around me. but everyone wont leave me alone. I procrastinate on things so I don't get the help that I need. and when I do finally want to get the help I need. the Therapist wont talk to me on my time. I have to wait for them to call. which is BS.