Horrible Brother or is it Just Me?

[AlohaShannon]

So my brother texted me a week ago and told me that he is going to start dating my ex-wife (yup, I was married...to a woman *GASP*). This wasn't a surprise to me since she told me in August that she's in love with him but hadn't pursued anything with him. However, I started putting things together and could see that there was more to their "friendship" without question. A part of me hoped that they would see this relationship was a bad idea and stop it before it went further. There are a number of things that are upsetting to me about the two of them together:

1. I feel absolutely betrayed by the both of them.

2. I've always been in competition with my brother and feel inferior to him because she believes he can make her happy whereas I could not.

3. Every secret that I shared with her over the years that we were together have undoubtedly been told to him.

4. I have 2 kids with her and worry how this is going to affect them. Really? Uncle Daddy? Pfft.

5. I feel like she completely manipulated me by pretending to form a strong friendship with me in order to soften the blow (prior to telling me about her love for him she asked if I wanted her to be happy in life even if it would mean I could be hurt). She also used me to get my mom to reach out to her.

6. He knew how much this would hurt me and it makes me feel like he places no value in being my brother by choosing a relationship with her (though I suppose I never really expected him to care about how I would feel...he has never once done anything for me...ever).

7. EWW!!!

8. I know that if they actually develop a long-term relationship that my mom will allow him to bring her to family functions. However, she's told me that if I'm dating a guy I will not be allowed to bring him. So that whole thing pisses me off like crazy.

I lost a lot of sleep over this in August and September...I constantly dreamt about the two of them together. Now those disturbing dreams are back again and it makes me dread going to bed.

I feel like this whole thing is totally fucked up.

Oh, and I feel I need to add that I did not grow up in a home resembling a "Jerry Springer" episode.

[Lacitis70]

Sounds like jealously. It looks like you still have feelings for your ex and that's why you freak out so much about your brother dating her.

I don't think it's horrible for your brother to date your ex. If you both would still be married, than it would be cheating and horrible. But now they're just two free adult people who can date whoever they want.

If your ex is a reasonable woman, she won't tell your bother secrets you told her.

[East]

Oh God Shannon..I totally feel for you man....

...and I agree..it is totally fucked up.

I won't even go out with someone..or have sex with them..if they were once with any friend of mine. It is completely off limits and I think the reason is obvious BUT...BUT...BUT...I have run into more people than not who "don't get it"...and for me...I think it is weird that anyone wouldn't "get it"....

Uh...family is even worse IMO....like how can they not see this is fucked up on SO MANY LEVELS........

The best thing I can say Shannon...they gave you a horrible challenge...but rise up...meet it head on...and conquer it.....

You can do it....I don't envy your task though..It would be very difficult to even address that kind of betrayal IMO...but you are tough...don't let it break you.....

Can I ask..is there some kind of underlying bullshit from either one of them to punish you?...or win something?

((()))..and PS...It is NOT just you..your brother and your ex are both horrible for making this choice....

[AlohaShannon]

Sounds like jealously. It looks like you still have feelings for your ex and that's why you freak out so much about your brother dating her.

I don't think it's horrible for your brother to date your ex. If you both would still be married, than it would be cheating and horrible. But now they're just two free adult people who can date whoever they want.

If your ex is a reasonable woman, she won't tell your bother secrets you told her.

Apparently clarification is in order...she has dated other men since we divorced and I had ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with it...AT ALL. I repeat, it didn't bother me at all when she started dating.

I love how people presume to know all...so comical.

[AlohaShannon]

Oh God Shannon..I totally feel for you man....

...and I agree..it is totally fucked up.

I won't even go out with someone..or have sex with them..if they were once with any friend of mine. It is completely off limits and I think the reason is obvious BUT...BUT...BUT...I have run into more people than not who "don't get it"...and for me...I think it is weird that anyone wouldn't "get it"....

Uh...family is even worse IMO....like how can they not see this is fucked up on SO MANY LEVELS........

The best thing I can say Shannon...they gave you a horrible challenge...but rise up...meet it head on...and conquer it.....

You can do it....I don't envy your task though..It would be very difficult to even address that kind of betrayal IMO...but you are tough...don't let it break you.....

Can I ask..is there some kind of underlying bullshit from either one of them to punish you?...or win something?

((()))..and PS...It is NOT just you..your brother and your ex are both horrible for making this choice....

Thank you for your thoughts East. I sincerely appreciate your supportive words...I knew I could count on you to not be a troll.

[LJay]

Messy as it may be, all you can do is accept that it is there and move on. If you feel you can deal with the confrontation you have as much right to attend family gatherings as anyone else. You should also take into account that the rest of the family may have some feelings about this also. In the long run, your best tack may be to make as little of it as possible, though that will be very hard. Good luck.

[Thundanton]

omg, I would literally be lost for words!
If my brother and ex did that to me, I would probably cut them off, not that that is a good reaction though, because that's just being a brat. Honestly though, anyone that starts to date their brother's or friends ex without asking them first is betraying there trust, because you know that it will be bound to effect them. I could never trust them again.

[azulai]

In situation like this I think it’s important to change it from what can I do about the other person (or persons I have no control over) to how can I see this differently and put the onus on myself (the only one I have control over). I offer you a couple of things you might want to think about to help you explore your feelings.You are a bit chippy so I am hesitant to reply. You have this posted under “advice,” yet I’m unclear if you are looking for advice, or for validation of your view.

1-I think you have it right in pin-pointing the issue, it is more about your competition between you and your brother rather than any feelings of jealousy about your ex. You seem happy and content as a bi man (yes, I read it. :biggrin so I don’t think you should focus on competition in the sense that you "feel inferior to him because she believes he can make her happy whereas I could not."

Just focus and soul search about your feelings of being inferior. How can you finally get pass this? Your fear is more about him being a success rather than your perception that 'you failed.'

Until you win the battle within yourself about competition you will never win against him. He knows your weakness about this and from your ex, maybe more about your inner feelings than ever before.

How can you step out of and recast your role in the relationship with your brother? I think you have to turn the competition onto yourself. How can you become free of the rivalry? How can you win the battle of competition by not competing? Not sure if you understand what I’m trying to say, but you can win by not playing the game.

2-I think it is more about a transfer of alliance and respect as the father of two children, and the impending new area of competition that your subconscious mind is stressing over.

I constantly dreamt about the two of them together. Now those disturbing dreams are back again and it makes me dread going to bed.”

It could be you are fearing that now your life and the aggravation of competition with your brother will cloud your relationship with your children??? Maybe you need to sit down with your ex, discuss that you want her to be happy, but insist that she respects your role as father of the two children YOU share and the privacy that this warrants.

The two of you have to focus on a healthy environment for your kids. There has to be some maturity on both your parts to put your kids first and minimize their confusion. You don’t say their ages. Again, you have to work and conquer YOUR issue with competition so that you don’t harm your relationship with your children. A very big gift you could give your children is them seeing you as stable, supportive, and non-combative.

Another thing to consider is the importance of breaking the pattern of competition that you and your brother might transfer to your children. Do you have two sons, a son and daughter, or two daughters? I think you need to be very careful with the unintentional message your behavior in this situation models for your children.

[Anocxu]

2. I've always been in competition with my brother and feel inferior to him because she believes he can make her happy whereas I could not.

4. I have 2 kids with her and worry how this is going to affect them. Really? Uncle Daddy? Pfft.

I think if you were to shift your focus /concerns you could turn what seems to be an awful situation into a few positives.

The focus here should be your children. I understand the entanglement is awful. .. on the other hand this is concrete evidence to everything you suspected all along.

It takes two to compete how about stop competing with your brother?
I do not know you at all so I'm choosing my words wisely when I say ..he's probably not a worthy opponent either way. (And now you know why your ex wife is your EX huh? )

Your stance in the matter should be to ~>let go as much of this chaos as possible and focus on being a great dad.

[Insertnamehere]

They're both pretty horrible people to engage in this, if anything because of the kids, then because of you and finally because it's really messed up.

Now, what are you going to do about it? What's your plan of action?

Hostilizing them will get you nothing. Clearly your mother lives on double standards. If you keep thinking about this inferiority complex, you'll do yourself no service (Hery, did your brother had a threesome?).

So, tell me, what will you do?

Clearly a big "fuck this shit" is needed. Let go. Let them engage in horrid dealings and things happen as they should. More often than not things fall on their own weight.

The only thing you should be overly concerned about it's your children. I would focus on caring about that aspect and buffering any kind of misconstruction that a situation like this could build on their minds. They need to know, this is not right, but without feeding them any ill will towards the perpetrators.

As for anything else, let it go, let it go, let it go. Try to. Clearly they don't give a crap about you, so, return the favor! Care for yourself.