Horrible Brother or is it Just Me?

[CellarDweller]

Oh, this is a messy situation.

Unfortunately, your ex and brother are both legal adults, and can behave how they want, as long as no one is physically hurt.

I agree with what others have said, you need to focus on the kids now, and make sure they're ok with everything that is going on.

As for competing with your brother, that's something you need to deal with on your own, relationships aren't supposed to be competitive.

[AlohaShannon]

2-I think it is more about a transfer of alliance and respect as the father of two children, and the impending new area of competition that your subconscious mind is stressing over.

It could be you are fearing that now your life and the aggravation of competition with your brother will cloud your relationship with your children???

Wow, you are spot on with everything you said Azulai...but my absolute biggest fear is that my brother will replace me as the father to my children. They all live in Minnesota and I'm in Hawaii for another 5 months. I am so deathly afraid that during that time he gets to enjoy being the cool uncle that sets no boundaries for them and embedding himself more into their lives. If the relationship progresses into him living with them, then he's set himself up to be the "fun" adult while I'm absent. I know my kids love me and I have no doubt that my fear is ridiculous; however, I cannot just turn it off. I know that overcoming the competition thing is paramount to ridding myself of my silly fears...but that is so much easier said than done.

And yes, though this was posted under advice, I was more looking for support and validation than actual advice. However, the key theme to the advice from others has been overcoming the competition and focusing on maintaining a healthy relationship with my kids and not allowing my personal grievances to affect how they see their environment.

Thank you for your fantastic insight and thank you Anocxu, Insertnamehere, CellarDweller, East, LJay, and Thundanton for your responses as well.

I have found one positive, for the time being I'm no longer the black sheep!

[Confuzzled4]

Wow that is quite a sticky situation. Let’s try to dissect everything. The marriage did not work out, and it sounds as though your separation was amicable, which is naturally for the better when a couple has children. If I am correct that your separation was amicable, you should be able to move past the fact that your ex-wife is with your brother. Some people will say that it is never okay for family to even mention ex-partners, but if neither of you have wronged each other in any serious way then it is ok for your ex-wife and brother to see each other. I will admit, I would certainly feel uncomfortable, but if she didn’t do anything to me I would let her choose whomever she wants to be with.

“2. I've always been in competition with my brother and feel inferior to him because she believes he can make her happy whereas I could not.” You should by no means feel inferior even if it is true that she would be happier with your brother. What that would mean is that you two weren’t meant for each other (like some 60% of the marriages in the U.S.). A cat can only be please by another cat not a dog.

You don’t necessarily know that she has told your secrets to him. I would go so far as to say if she is trying to move on with her life, she would have no reason to rehash the things that the two of you spoke about.

4. This point is really the main concern, as I see it is for you from your replies as frankly it should be. Really the best thing to do is to have a conversation with your ex-wife and children. With your ex-wife, you would say “I want you to be happy with whomever you are with, and I want them to treat you and the children right. I would be glad if they expanded their community of love, but I am still the father just as you are still the mother. Let’s not do anything to forget that.” That would be a really challenging thing to do, but I really couldn’t think of anything better to say. Talking to your kids would be much more difficult as it is a difficult thing to explain to a child if another family member happens to be with their mother. Perhaps something along the lines of “When two people get married it doesn’t always work out, but this has nothing to do with you. Your parents both love you very dearly and will always love you very dearly. Both of us will move on and find people who should love you as well, but she will always be your mother and I will always be your father. It is a wonderful thing to have more people who love you, who respect you, who listen to you, but she is your mother and I am your father.”

Much of the rest is really about you not being happy with the relationship you have with your brother and the sense of betrayal. There really is no other advice I can offer other than trying to be the better person, it is not easy by any means, but in the long run you will be happier. You can very well be right in being angry, but this does not mean that you will end up happy by acting on it. It is almost a guarantee you will be miserable, when it comes to family we are very often faced with the choice of being right (in our minds) and being happy.

The final point I can offer the least amount of help for. Moving past your ex-wife and brother being together at events comes from everything before. As for your mother, I really don’t know what to say. Maybe if another family member hosts a family function and she’s there she will feel a bit differently, but that is an issue that should be dealt with after all the other ones you mentioned are resolved first.

I try to rationalize things as best I can and take an outsider approach as much as possible, so much of this may not sit well with you at all. But I do believe much of this to be proper course of action.