01-16-2016, 04:12 PM
So this probably going to be a long thread. The purpose of the thread is to reflect on some things, get some input/feed back. I don't intent to "beat myself up," but I think I was wrong about a lot of critical things and how I also became the "iron in the star." For those of you who don't know, when iron is created from fusion inside a star, the star will die/explode
I think in my case I am my own worst enemy. It's not that I have ill intentions, it's not that I really lack in being nice, sincere, caring. I always seem to be on the mix-up about how things are or where they're going...usually. I think it all starts with getting a crush on whoever that person is and the wheel start turning, start thinking about how great it would be to settle down with this person and la di da da da. However, we all know that's stupid to think that, especially so soon... I don't know why my mind defaults to that thinking when I've barely scratched the surface of someone and it takes a very long time, years to really get a handle on someone...and we're not static, we do change -- some more than others so you can't just assume that whoever this person may be is going to be one you're spending the rest of your life with, because it probably isn't so. So in hindsight right there I am created an imbalance because now I have some kind of goal or want out of this person. I had already tuned out, they can tell me that they want to take it slow or even more so say they want to be friends who occasionally kiss or whatever it is...While I nodded my head and said yeah that's all cool, in my head it's like well maybe...whatever, things will change...and maybe had I actually swallowed the fact and been patient things probably would have changed! Six-months, year? Who knows. Seems that when you're crushing and have all these thoughts it's not that those words don't mean anything, they do they just get covered up and it's more like maybe things will get there, or maybe I'm doing something wrong and we lose are ability to be logical or to be objective about things and it leads to frustration and ultimately ruins things.
So I feel that yes, I made a lot of mistakes. Now I was told it isn't really possible to screw things up and I think I know what is meant because there really are two possible outcomes, either we'll deal with each others crap, shortcomings and so on and get over it or not. However, I do feel that although pretty sure I would be doing myself a disservice, not to mention stress on the other person to keep on attempting to pursue things he didn't want, that I thought I wanted or that he might see it my way and compromise or whatever... I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I had to go off and post something here that he ended up reading to see the forest before the trees, that I couldn't just be a good friend and just drop the issue when it was made pretty clear to me, just didn't allow it to sink in. I do feel bad about that and that's not because I wanted to be his bf, that's because he didn't deserve all that. Ultimately, I wanted now he wants later...and makes sense. I had an illogical wish to be in some kind commitment that was unrealistic. I mean you can make a verbal commitment and slap a label on it, I felt like he might have became interested in someone else and the door would close, because I even felt jealous, because I'm a selfish bastard, not even in anything committed and here I am worried about something I have no right or any business about what he was doing or did. No I don't think it makes me a bad person, probably lot of people get jealous...over nothing, or over things that are, for good reasons, beyond the scope of their control. I mean who wouldn't, he is a great person, you'd be nuts not to be crazy for him... sounds like a for loop that runs to infinity though.
Now that being said, I was not being honest with myself from the start. Having a boyfriend, having a relationship all sounds nice. Now, of course not really having a good reference of what that entails doesn't help. I needed something that was also sexual, I'm just not wired to not wait. I can't be denied that, I think that is in part what made me so damned crazy. I mean here I am, dating an uber attractive guy that I can't touch! I could have drilled a hole in the fucking wall! Now that doesn't mean I want to go around and screw everything that walks or that I want nothing but sex from him or someone else. But I needed something... like having yum yum sauce with my rice, even if it is bad for me. However, I looked at things like I can't just have what I want when I want, things like that ought to be earned. There wasn't really any intimacy and that seemed to be fine at first with me, but as soon as I felt things were idle, I felt he didn't like me all that much which of course that was also wrong and pretty dumb...people that don't like someone don't bother texting or having anything to do with them. I know I'm not the first person to make such a blind assumption, but I do feel it is something that could easily be avoided.
It has been huge relief of stress for me to get some physical contact and be intimate with someone even if you're not in love with that person. I mean me, sometimes it is weeks, months without getting more than a hug or a handshake. So to be able to cuddle in bed, kiss and get a good orgasm just lightens the world that sits on my shoulders. But anyway... Maybe that makes me a slut, I don't care, practically every gay guy I know has had more sex last year than I got in the last 10.
I think although things didn't go well at the end I think I have a better grasp of what love is and how it is very murky. Very easy to get tricked. Be careful with crushes, I think it can be often be a sign of things being unbalanced.
Anyway, despite how awesome I may seem online as being open, nice, etc etc... I am really a mess and I guess many other guys are and I mean even he has issues, but I'm not one to be judging anyone but myself as far as things that need to be worked on... I can judge him on his character, I think he might be a little too prideful... and there's nothing wrong with having pride, he certainly has A LOT to be proud of, but it is also good to be humble. This and other things I'm sure he'll grow out of I mean just how I handled myself, making a hurtful post that I can't change or somehow undo what I was said, I mean I have to live with it...it's not going away. So unless I stop posting on GS, delete my account and pretend this never happened, I'm going to have to accept the fact that I was careless and hurtful to someone without a good reason. Which sucks because I think back on all this and just wished I could have just been a friend which was what he was wanting from the start
Anyway I just hope that those who might be reading this don't go make the same mistakes. So no matter how much you like someone, don't let it consume you, don't be blinded, be honest with yourself and when you're going into something, tell them, if you want intimacy, say so, if you don't want sex, don't want to get wrapped up in a relationship, say so...use 72pt boldface font if you must. I mean it just seems like no matter how clear you can be it just doesn't sink in. I mean look at all the couples, gay and straight, how many stick it out? Not many... Not saying things are to work out, but if they are, it certainly has to go much differently than the way I handled things, because I just didn't miss potentially what might have turned into something great, I miss out on having what would have probably been a great friendship... Of course there's not much sense in dwelling on it and keeping it from letting me live my life, but sucks when things backfire.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. Just if you really do admire, like someone, care about them, don't write or say something you're going to regret, you can't really take that shit back. You can part as friends, just have to pull your head out of your ass. The alternative is writing a boo-hoo-ing post admitting that you fucked it up without needing their help. So yeah I know this was really long, just hope someone out there gets some use from this.
It may have been wrong for me to posts this stuff but don't know that there's anything to lose, other than maybe an angry email or something. Just feels better to get it out.
I think in my case I am my own worst enemy. It's not that I have ill intentions, it's not that I really lack in being nice, sincere, caring. I always seem to be on the mix-up about how things are or where they're going...usually. I think it all starts with getting a crush on whoever that person is and the wheel start turning, start thinking about how great it would be to settle down with this person and la di da da da. However, we all know that's stupid to think that, especially so soon... I don't know why my mind defaults to that thinking when I've barely scratched the surface of someone and it takes a very long time, years to really get a handle on someone...and we're not static, we do change -- some more than others so you can't just assume that whoever this person may be is going to be one you're spending the rest of your life with, because it probably isn't so. So in hindsight right there I am created an imbalance because now I have some kind of goal or want out of this person. I had already tuned out, they can tell me that they want to take it slow or even more so say they want to be friends who occasionally kiss or whatever it is...While I nodded my head and said yeah that's all cool, in my head it's like well maybe...whatever, things will change...and maybe had I actually swallowed the fact and been patient things probably would have changed! Six-months, year? Who knows. Seems that when you're crushing and have all these thoughts it's not that those words don't mean anything, they do they just get covered up and it's more like maybe things will get there, or maybe I'm doing something wrong and we lose are ability to be logical or to be objective about things and it leads to frustration and ultimately ruins things.
So I feel that yes, I made a lot of mistakes. Now I was told it isn't really possible to screw things up and I think I know what is meant because there really are two possible outcomes, either we'll deal with each others crap, shortcomings and so on and get over it or not. However, I do feel that although pretty sure I would be doing myself a disservice, not to mention stress on the other person to keep on attempting to pursue things he didn't want, that I thought I wanted or that he might see it my way and compromise or whatever... I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I had to go off and post something here that he ended up reading to see the forest before the trees, that I couldn't just be a good friend and just drop the issue when it was made pretty clear to me, just didn't allow it to sink in. I do feel bad about that and that's not because I wanted to be his bf, that's because he didn't deserve all that. Ultimately, I wanted now he wants later...and makes sense. I had an illogical wish to be in some kind commitment that was unrealistic. I mean you can make a verbal commitment and slap a label on it, I felt like he might have became interested in someone else and the door would close, because I even felt jealous, because I'm a selfish bastard, not even in anything committed and here I am worried about something I have no right or any business about what he was doing or did. No I don't think it makes me a bad person, probably lot of people get jealous...over nothing, or over things that are, for good reasons, beyond the scope of their control. I mean who wouldn't, he is a great person, you'd be nuts not to be crazy for him... sounds like a for loop that runs to infinity though.
Now that being said, I was not being honest with myself from the start. Having a boyfriend, having a relationship all sounds nice. Now, of course not really having a good reference of what that entails doesn't help. I needed something that was also sexual, I'm just not wired to not wait. I can't be denied that, I think that is in part what made me so damned crazy. I mean here I am, dating an uber attractive guy that I can't touch! I could have drilled a hole in the fucking wall! Now that doesn't mean I want to go around and screw everything that walks or that I want nothing but sex from him or someone else. But I needed something... like having yum yum sauce with my rice, even if it is bad for me. However, I looked at things like I can't just have what I want when I want, things like that ought to be earned. There wasn't really any intimacy and that seemed to be fine at first with me, but as soon as I felt things were idle, I felt he didn't like me all that much which of course that was also wrong and pretty dumb...people that don't like someone don't bother texting or having anything to do with them. I know I'm not the first person to make such a blind assumption, but I do feel it is something that could easily be avoided.
It has been huge relief of stress for me to get some physical contact and be intimate with someone even if you're not in love with that person. I mean me, sometimes it is weeks, months without getting more than a hug or a handshake. So to be able to cuddle in bed, kiss and get a good orgasm just lightens the world that sits on my shoulders. But anyway... Maybe that makes me a slut, I don't care, practically every gay guy I know has had more sex last year than I got in the last 10.
I think although things didn't go well at the end I think I have a better grasp of what love is and how it is very murky. Very easy to get tricked. Be careful with crushes, I think it can be often be a sign of things being unbalanced.
Anyway, despite how awesome I may seem online as being open, nice, etc etc... I am really a mess and I guess many other guys are and I mean even he has issues, but I'm not one to be judging anyone but myself as far as things that need to be worked on... I can judge him on his character, I think he might be a little too prideful... and there's nothing wrong with having pride, he certainly has A LOT to be proud of, but it is also good to be humble. This and other things I'm sure he'll grow out of I mean just how I handled myself, making a hurtful post that I can't change or somehow undo what I was said, I mean I have to live with it...it's not going away. So unless I stop posting on GS, delete my account and pretend this never happened, I'm going to have to accept the fact that I was careless and hurtful to someone without a good reason. Which sucks because I think back on all this and just wished I could have just been a friend which was what he was wanting from the start
Anyway I just hope that those who might be reading this don't go make the same mistakes. So no matter how much you like someone, don't let it consume you, don't be blinded, be honest with yourself and when you're going into something, tell them, if you want intimacy, say so, if you don't want sex, don't want to get wrapped up in a relationship, say so...use 72pt boldface font if you must. I mean it just seems like no matter how clear you can be it just doesn't sink in. I mean look at all the couples, gay and straight, how many stick it out? Not many... Not saying things are to work out, but if they are, it certainly has to go much differently than the way I handled things, because I just didn't miss potentially what might have turned into something great, I miss out on having what would have probably been a great friendship... Of course there's not much sense in dwelling on it and keeping it from letting me live my life, but sucks when things backfire.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. Just if you really do admire, like someone, care about them, don't write or say something you're going to regret, you can't really take that shit back. You can part as friends, just have to pull your head out of your ass. The alternative is writing a boo-hoo-ing post admitting that you fucked it up without needing their help. So yeah I know this was really long, just hope someone out there gets some use from this.
It may have been wrong for me to posts this stuff but don't know that there's anything to lose, other than maybe an angry email or something. Just feels better to get it out.
"I’m not expecting to grow flowers in a desert, but I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime"
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