first steps
01-19-2016, 05:19 AM
came out today. Only to 1 person so far, a work friend. It was ....... scary. I didnt know that it was possible to shake like that but i did. I thought that i was not going to make it through even as*the words came out of my mouth. I had planed what i was going to say and and not sure i would have been able to go through with it if my mouth hadnt gone onto auto pilot. Such a surreal experience i heared the words as if someone else was saying them. She smiled and hugged me . I very nearly cried.*and I don generally cry.
Below is a condenced and perhaps disjointed rambleing, self deprecation of my life's journey. Although true it is also everything trying to get out at once . It not polished ,finished or compleat and some of the things that are missing may be the very things needed to shed light on what has been wrighten but I started and this just fell out. I think finishing it will help me but having only writen it last night I'm not quite ready to edit and expand just yet. Self examination is exhausting!! And as with a first draft of anything it may come across a bit pretentious or self indulgent but you have to explore before you know what needs pruning. Please dont judge it too hashly.
i I'm jay i'm 42 and been living the lie all my life. i have known i was gay since i was ??? well always known realy i think actually thats alie there is no think about it. when i was very young probably about 6 or 7 a friend of my parents came out. although a child and sheilded from the full repercussions & intricacies of what was happening i do recall the devostation it left in is wake and overheared some of the conversations between my parents about the hate that had be shown towards him. This was the seventies and generally sociatie's views on homosexuallity was lets be kind and call it poor!!! Acceptance certainly was not the norm, my parents however didnt seem to have much of a problem with it and stayed friends with him. he did end up moving from the area due to reactions of other family and friends. I may only of been young and had no idea of sex but did understand that boys where ment to grow up liking girs and eventualy marry one. I had never realy thought of this as appealing but just figured that things would be diffrent when i was older .i had no idea that there was an alternative untill this guy came out . this made so much more sence boys liking boys and i knew i was diffrent that I was gay not that I knew what it ment to be gay just that if it was boys liking boys then I was it I'm not even sure I knew it wes called gay, what I did know was most people didnt like people that are like that ( please remember that this was the seventies and children where not as aware or as in my case not aware at all of anything sexual we were a lot more sheltered and innocent of what the world was about and what was happening in it) in reality i had no idea of what gay was as such but i did knowthat it was going to be other boys i liked and i realy didnt want to be like that or atleast I didnt want to be hate by everyone! I think it was the that i started trying to convince myself and everyone else that i wasn't. I know this sounds very advanced for a 6/7 y/o but i suposidly have an IQ of around 150 at this point i should also say have dyslexia as you can probably tell from my spelling, punctuation & grammer they are a compleat mystery to me. So even at that age i was able to set (an all be it inconcived yet logical to an inocent minded intellegent child)my plan into to action whith a bloody minded conviction that can only be so deeply ingraind by having it inplace throughout your formative years & I have prety much lied to myself and everone i have met since. This has caused me so much pain that it has broken me on several occations and come close inumerate times more. just thinking about it makes me want to cry (which in all honesty is far better than the wanting to kill myself). I have always valued honesty and in all but this find it nigh on impossable to lie i hate it, it makes my feel dirty which is why i have probably found it hard to hold on to friends ( its usually me that cuts ties) because as you get to like and love people looking them in the eye and lieing about somthing that is so fundamentally at the core of yourself becomes unpalitable and hard to do so i tend to drift away before i get too close. All because as a child i convinced and ingrained into myself what i thiough i needed to do and havent been able to let go of it. being the last male of my farthers side of the familly ( his only son and my father was an only son aswell) added an extra weight. knowing my name and blood ligne could only be propagated through me. I may be a hypocrite but my hypocrisy only extends so far by which i mean trying to date girls. I have only tryed this twice and both times it was them that showed intrest i will only say about this that they were not pleasent experiences and i nither want to recount, remember or repeat them. This does bring up the point that i am 42 years old and never experienced that first love, never been in love, not allowed myself to love & never been loved. i had even hidden away from myself the hope of any of these ailen things ever happening . Its no wonder that i have suffered from clinical depression or that i tryed to commit suiside several times. I'v beleived that i didnt need or want love and at tme that i didnt deserve it either. Iv hidden away from life never pushed or promoted myself and my potential i'v concealed & not explored or utalised my suposid interlect nor have i cared for or about myself i can not say for sure but i went from being a slightly skinny but healthy 7 y/o to an introverted overweight 8 y/o and have struggled with my weight prety much ever since at my heavyest i was 23st. I became extreemly ill with diabetes and related illnesses like ckd and liver problems ( eventhough i dont realy drink) i also had a bad accident that took me over 5 years to recover from, for the last few years i have put a lot of effort in and i am currently 11st 5lb @ 6ft tall and fit and healthy. Appart from 1 last thing i need to do . I need to COME OUT!!!, I have mentally set a date of the start of april this year. You may be wandering why now?? The only answer i can give is because i have to i dont feel i have any other choice i want to live life and love as me! not just exist and hide as somone else if that is all that there is i may aswell be dead. I want to look people in the eye with out feeling ashamed of my dishonesty and lieing. Perversly i have more to loose now than ever because i seem to have aquired friends that the thought of leting go of is inconcevable i am already too attached they are honest , loving & loyal (i hope) i know i will be running the risk of loosing them but they deserve the truth. If they leave as painfull as it will be i will have to realise that they are not my friend i cant blame them as friends dont lie to each other in the first place so i have not been much of a friend to them, if they stay then that will show what wonderfull friends i have. You may think by what you have read that i have a problem with my being gay but no i dont its not being gay i hate or am ashamed of ( i may still be lieing to myself slightly on this point but i think if i am its more truth than lie, more echo of my previous hang ups than anything solid this will probably be expressed wrong. people being gay was never a problem infact I probably envied them a bit or a lot?? My being gay was my problem . Fucked up aint it) I'm ashamed of all the lies. And it stops here! Both to others and to myself. There is a strenth inside me that i have always known was there but never been able to locate or use but i now feel it trying to come out as i stop hiding and start hoping and making plans for a future. I hope there is enough of it as i know that there is going to be pain involved in coming out, learning to deal with intamicy, lust, falling in love, falling out of love & alowing myself to experience even enjoy these experiences. To carry on in the spirit of telling the truth i have to admit what i'm doing really scares me!! Its easy to hid behind a solid wall your less exposed but you cant enjoy the beauty on the other side there's very little light and its lonely no matter how much you say you like being alone. I want to hold someone and be held with love. I still have a 6 y/o rattleing around my head shouting dont do it!! i'm just not listening to him anymore that way lay's pain with no hope. My way at least has hope and possabilites.
Peace, love & respect
jay
Below is a condenced and perhaps disjointed rambleing, self deprecation of my life's journey. Although true it is also everything trying to get out at once . It not polished ,finished or compleat and some of the things that are missing may be the very things needed to shed light on what has been wrighten but I started and this just fell out. I think finishing it will help me but having only writen it last night I'm not quite ready to edit and expand just yet. Self examination is exhausting!! And as with a first draft of anything it may come across a bit pretentious or self indulgent but you have to explore before you know what needs pruning. Please dont judge it too hashly.
i I'm jay i'm 42 and been living the lie all my life. i have known i was gay since i was ??? well always known realy i think actually thats alie there is no think about it. when i was very young probably about 6 or 7 a friend of my parents came out. although a child and sheilded from the full repercussions & intricacies of what was happening i do recall the devostation it left in is wake and overheared some of the conversations between my parents about the hate that had be shown towards him. This was the seventies and generally sociatie's views on homosexuallity was lets be kind and call it poor!!! Acceptance certainly was not the norm, my parents however didnt seem to have much of a problem with it and stayed friends with him. he did end up moving from the area due to reactions of other family and friends. I may only of been young and had no idea of sex but did understand that boys where ment to grow up liking girs and eventualy marry one. I had never realy thought of this as appealing but just figured that things would be diffrent when i was older .i had no idea that there was an alternative untill this guy came out . this made so much more sence boys liking boys and i knew i was diffrent that I was gay not that I knew what it ment to be gay just that if it was boys liking boys then I was it I'm not even sure I knew it wes called gay, what I did know was most people didnt like people that are like that ( please remember that this was the seventies and children where not as aware or as in my case not aware at all of anything sexual we were a lot more sheltered and innocent of what the world was about and what was happening in it) in reality i had no idea of what gay was as such but i did knowthat it was going to be other boys i liked and i realy didnt want to be like that or atleast I didnt want to be hate by everyone! I think it was the that i started trying to convince myself and everyone else that i wasn't. I know this sounds very advanced for a 6/7 y/o but i suposidly have an IQ of around 150 at this point i should also say have dyslexia as you can probably tell from my spelling, punctuation & grammer they are a compleat mystery to me. So even at that age i was able to set (an all be it inconcived yet logical to an inocent minded intellegent child)my plan into to action whith a bloody minded conviction that can only be so deeply ingraind by having it inplace throughout your formative years & I have prety much lied to myself and everone i have met since. This has caused me so much pain that it has broken me on several occations and come close inumerate times more. just thinking about it makes me want to cry (which in all honesty is far better than the wanting to kill myself). I have always valued honesty and in all but this find it nigh on impossable to lie i hate it, it makes my feel dirty which is why i have probably found it hard to hold on to friends ( its usually me that cuts ties) because as you get to like and love people looking them in the eye and lieing about somthing that is so fundamentally at the core of yourself becomes unpalitable and hard to do so i tend to drift away before i get too close. All because as a child i convinced and ingrained into myself what i thiough i needed to do and havent been able to let go of it. being the last male of my farthers side of the familly ( his only son and my father was an only son aswell) added an extra weight. knowing my name and blood ligne could only be propagated through me. I may be a hypocrite but my hypocrisy only extends so far by which i mean trying to date girls. I have only tryed this twice and both times it was them that showed intrest i will only say about this that they were not pleasent experiences and i nither want to recount, remember or repeat them. This does bring up the point that i am 42 years old and never experienced that first love, never been in love, not allowed myself to love & never been loved. i had even hidden away from myself the hope of any of these ailen things ever happening . Its no wonder that i have suffered from clinical depression or that i tryed to commit suiside several times. I'v beleived that i didnt need or want love and at tme that i didnt deserve it either. Iv hidden away from life never pushed or promoted myself and my potential i'v concealed & not explored or utalised my suposid interlect nor have i cared for or about myself i can not say for sure but i went from being a slightly skinny but healthy 7 y/o to an introverted overweight 8 y/o and have struggled with my weight prety much ever since at my heavyest i was 23st. I became extreemly ill with diabetes and related illnesses like ckd and liver problems ( eventhough i dont realy drink) i also had a bad accident that took me over 5 years to recover from, for the last few years i have put a lot of effort in and i am currently 11st 5lb @ 6ft tall and fit and healthy. Appart from 1 last thing i need to do . I need to COME OUT!!!, I have mentally set a date of the start of april this year. You may be wandering why now?? The only answer i can give is because i have to i dont feel i have any other choice i want to live life and love as me! not just exist and hide as somone else if that is all that there is i may aswell be dead. I want to look people in the eye with out feeling ashamed of my dishonesty and lieing. Perversly i have more to loose now than ever because i seem to have aquired friends that the thought of leting go of is inconcevable i am already too attached they are honest , loving & loyal (i hope) i know i will be running the risk of loosing them but they deserve the truth. If they leave as painfull as it will be i will have to realise that they are not my friend i cant blame them as friends dont lie to each other in the first place so i have not been much of a friend to them, if they stay then that will show what wonderfull friends i have. You may think by what you have read that i have a problem with my being gay but no i dont its not being gay i hate or am ashamed of ( i may still be lieing to myself slightly on this point but i think if i am its more truth than lie, more echo of my previous hang ups than anything solid this will probably be expressed wrong. people being gay was never a problem infact I probably envied them a bit or a lot?? My being gay was my problem . Fucked up aint it) I'm ashamed of all the lies. And it stops here! Both to others and to myself. There is a strenth inside me that i have always known was there but never been able to locate or use but i now feel it trying to come out as i stop hiding and start hoping and making plans for a future. I hope there is enough of it as i know that there is going to be pain involved in coming out, learning to deal with intamicy, lust, falling in love, falling out of love & alowing myself to experience even enjoy these experiences. To carry on in the spirit of telling the truth i have to admit what i'm doing really scares me!! Its easy to hid behind a solid wall your less exposed but you cant enjoy the beauty on the other side there's very little light and its lonely no matter how much you say you like being alone. I want to hold someone and be held with love. I still have a 6 y/o rattleing around my head shouting dont do it!! i'm just not listening to him anymore that way lay's pain with no hope. My way at least has hope and possabilites.
Peace, love & respect
jay
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Aries
Virgo
. It really does seem you are more than ready to continue this process, and seem prepared for any negative reaction. Me personally, I was expecting some when I came out. I may be luckier than some but nearly all responses were positive, even from people I didn't think it would be. It really does get easier with each person you tell, and it feels so liberating! You can finally be yourself, and I can tell you are definitely ready for it. Good luck dude, and stick around and keep up updated 
Libra
![[Image: 05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp]](https://static01.nyt.com/images/2016/08/05/us/05onfire1_xp/05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp)
