Shame is stopping me from dating.

[hank]

This was something I thought I was past. But it's reared its ugly head in my life again. I was brought up by Catholic parents, and though they love me and understand that my sexuality it's something I can't help, and have told me several times that they are proud of me. The shame (for lack of a better word) halts me when I go to kiss, hug or even try and meet a fellow. I don't think this was placed on me entirely by my parents. I really think it's just society in general. I grew up when a gay man was something to be ridiculed. I don't know how to over come this compulsion to avoid affection and romance from a man. Has anybody else felt this way? If so how did you over come it?

[VirgoMasquerade]

Yikes, Maybe you should try letting him take the first steps in kissing you

[hank]

Yikes, Maybe you should try letting him take the first steps in kissing you

That always ends up worse. It's very difficult to explain this problem I am having difficulty understanding it myself. If he makes the first move I back away, and then it gets to a point of why are you ashamed of me. And that's not it at all.

I want to engage it's just that something stops me and I can't really explain why.

[VirgoMasquerade]

Aww, What you need is a nice guy that will take his time with being with you, Someone that will help you every step of the way of being comfortable with your sexuality

[hank]

Maybe you could try moving to a different area, sometimes places can contain all the negative aspects we experienced in them and stop us from being new

I want to finish school. But I think you may be onto something. I had a lover years ago, when I lived a few states away. But our relationship was secret and he was way more ashamed of it than I was.

[Anocxu]

Are you saying you are NOT affectionate (physically) with any men in your life?

No long hugs and from siblings?
No kisses on the forehead from grandfather?

Just curious. .

[LJay]

[MENTION=16745]hank[/MENTION], do you feel this way just in public or semi public situations or in private also?

[jimcrackcorn]

What you are experiencing may be the result of growing up in a homophobic society where men do not touch each other affectionately because it was considered a sign of being a homosexual - which was bad, evil, perverted, & unnatural.

Editing your behavior around men has become so ingrained that you are unable to touch another man without feelings of shame & discomfort. Most gay men think coming out of the closet was life changing,, but it is only the beginning of a transformation that can take years to undue behaviors that we have been taught by a homophobic society.

Remember how it got easier each time you told someone you were gay? Well,,, it's the same principle,,, you keep at it until you become comfortable doing it... Take baby steps if you feel overly uncomfortable with hugging and kissing,, try placing your arm around his shoulder or waist first, then gradually work your way to hugging & kissing.

You've got years of learned behavior that need to be undone,,, so don't become to perplexed if you experience a few failures along the way.. If you don't feel like you are making any progress on your own, then seek professional counseling.

Sincerely,
Jim

[Borg69]

I want to finish school. But I think you may be onto something. I had a lover years ago, when I lived a few states away. But our relationship was secret and he was way more ashamed of it than I was.

Are you scared to do it, or just scared to get caught doing it? I'm pretty sure God can still see you several states away. It sounds like you're more worried about what your friends and family thinks.

[Darius]

Do you feel shame when you jack off to gay porn?