Disappointing Friend

[abcd1234]

Hi Guys,just wanted to describe a situation and ask your advice.I have a friend of 33 years and you probably remember him.He's the one who brought that woman to my house that always craps.Well anyway a few months ago he introduced me to his friend who's also retired and I didn't care for him.He was always condescending and sarcastic with me.For instance I don't drive so I would take the train and it would leave me 15 minutes from my friend's house and he would pick me up at the station. And then he would drive me home at night because it was late.It's a half hour drive. Well this friend of my friend said that I should take the train home and learn the schedule. First of all it's none of his business as he's not the one giving me the ride. So when I asked my friend if he minded taking me home he said no except for the times when it's very late.On those times he said it would be better if I slept over until the next day.

So everytime we got together his friend would throw barbs at me of one kind or another and my friend said nothing to defend me.So one day I just told my friend I'll only come down when the other guy is not there and he understood so that's what I've been doing.

So on New Years Day my friend invites me to a gathering up his apartment where he was having about 18 people. So I take the train as usual and he's 15 minutes late picking me up.Ordinarily I wouldn't make anything of it but this time it was bitter cold and windy and there was no place indoors to wait and the winds really cut through an open parking lot. So when he finally picked me up he didn't even apologize for his lateness and I said "It's freezing out,you're late" So he said very defensively that he had priorities and he had a party to plan.So when I told him it was so cold and he should have been more aware of the time he replied "Oh to accommodate you" So I said that wasn't it.And that I would never let a person wait in the cold if the shoe were on the other foot. So when we get to his house 2 of his friends were there already helping out and he acted like he was doing it all himself. Later he said he was only joking when he said "To accommodate You" which I don't believe.The rest of the evening went OK and he asked one of the priests that he invited to take me home since the priest lives in my general area which makes sense.So I said my good byes and everything seemed ok.

However now it's been a month and he hasn't called me and that's not like him at all.I tried calling him a couple of times but he hasn't returned my calls.I'm wondering if something happened to him and we don't have any mutual friends that I could ask.But then again about 25 years ago he didn't speak to me for about 6 months because he couldn't put up with my sadness about a boyfriend problem I was having at the time.He also cut 2 other friends off without explanation and to this day they can't figure out why.

He's the type of person that can't confront people and discuss it like an adult.If he's annoyed he just cuts them off without explanation like a chlld.Now if something didn't happen to him then he's probably pissed at me for mentioning his lateness but I only said it because I was freezing.Maybe he's listening to that bastard friend of his. But I can't believe he would let a 33 year friendship go because of a petty little incident.Is he warped that he couldn't discuss it with me.What do you guys think?

[Cridders88]

So he has cut off people before with no explanation. Over something that was not apparent, meaning it was likely something small because if it was big then surely the injured parties would have sussed out why. I think you are probably right that his friend is dripping poison in his ear. He said he was joking about "accommodating you", but I don't think he was, this was probably something that he actually felt that he hastily tried to take back because he, as you say, doesn't confront things. This is pretty childish behaviour indeed, ignoring people when there is an issue, not being upfront and honest, but like you say, he has history of this.

I am sorry that he is treating you in this way after such a long friendship. I would perhaps try calling him again. Then perhaps pay him a visit if he still doesn't answer (even if only to check that something indeed hasn't happened to him). It sounds like if you want answers then you'll have to go to him instead of waiting for him to come back to you. Which really sucks, as you say, after a 33 year friendship. You deserve better than that!

[shyl4l]

I think cridders is right . Try again to contact him and if not able to then pay him a visit. You will then atleast know where you stand. Its the not knowinv that is the worst i think.
Goodluck mate

[Borg69]

If this type of petty drama is the worst thing you have to complain about, you've got a pretty good life!

[kindy64]

If this type of petty drama is the worst thing you have to complain about, you've got a pretty good life!

You are so wrong to say this. This may be the worst thing to happen to him ever. Even if it is not, you shouldn't minimize someones pain by saying, you shouldn't complain, it could be worse (which is how I read your statement.)

"To draw an analogy: a man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little." Mans Search for Meaning - Viktor Frankl

abcd1234 - you don't know what's going on with your friend, so I wouldn't try guessing what his motivations are. You need to connect with him, either in person or over the phone/text/facebook, or whatever. If he wants to end a friendship because of a petty incident, there's not much you can do.

[Insertnamehere]

People: this is why you DON'T want to rely on others for...anything really. Shit like this will happen.

I find people to be strange animals. Trying to figure out the whys of their behavior is tiring.

You have mentioned patterns in his behavior that you've noticed before, so clearly, you know what's going on. So, if he doesn't want to, you will have to adress the situation. A mail, a friendly visit, getting things clear and in the open, and dealing with whatever happens.

Do it.

[Beaux]

I think you should take note of the fact that all of the time your friend's friend was "throwing barbs", your friend said nothing.

More specifically, I think you should consider the possibility that your friend feels you take advantage of his easy going nature to procure rides for yourself, and was allowing others to point it out to you because he did t want to hurt your feelings himself.

Relying on another to pick you up all the time isn't exactly self-supportive. What exactly does he get out of the deal? Your friendship? If so, then that is a problem you should take to heart and fix now.

All in all, I think you are hurt because you are just realizing that you "living your life" is actually you asking for the accommodation of others. Not an easy thing to deal with, but not insurmountable.

Ask yourself this question today: "What do I expect from others?", if you can answer that one question honestly then you are on the way to creating a more perfect "you".

~Beaux

[abcd1234]

Actually he's been giving me rides for almost 33 years.Why resent it now! Also when his friend was throwing those barbs at me I said that if it was too much trouble then he should tell me and I would use a car service or something.And he said that it wasn't any trouble.The only times it was hard was when it was very late like after a party. But I did mention a couple of times about a car service and he didn't speak up.After all I'm not a mind reader!

[Confuzzled4]

Taking this friend out of it who throws shade, I don't think your response was appropriate at all. If he was hosting the party at his house, there are things that need to be taken care of for you and the other guests beforehand. Also, I'm not sure on the timing, but it wouldn't look very nice if he had to leave while people were already there for the party. So if the first thing he hears when he picks you up is "you're late it's freezing out", he will be annoyed. It could be that this other person is exacerbating the situation, but I have to tell you that I would be annoyed if that was the response I received. Additionally, he may feel funny letting you take car service when he's capable of driving himself (guilt as trying to be a friend). Certainly reach out to your friend, and at least consider that you may be somewhat at fault. Since you've been friends for so long, the two of you should be able to move past this because it's really not such a big deal.

[MikeW]

Takes two to tangle. Always. Figure out what you're putting in the pot and you'll have solved half the problem.