I came out doing stand up comedy
05-09-2016, 08:47 PM
So I came out today to my friends. Not all of them, but I don't hide it anymore.
I decided to pass it subtly as a joke, so I wrote a stand up comedy script to ease the tone of the conversation.
Have any of you guys not potty-trained your kid by the age of 3?
If not, let me tell you something. You just scarred them for life.
Back when I was that age, my school went on a field trip to a park, and a dude... Let's call him Luke. Shit his pants.
I'm not really creative today, that's actually his name. Lucky him, I don't remember his last name.
At that moment I knew I wouldn't forget it, and looking at his face, I also knew he wouldn't.
And I was already such an asshole that I told my mates about it.
And the teacher actually tried to tell me it was wrong, and I was looking at her like,
"What the fuck are you talking about, bitch?
You probably used to do that back before you became such a fucking hypocrite!
And you'll be the one to fucking clean his butt, so why are you complaining about me?"
You scarred him for life because from now on, people will never forget it and they'll make sure he also doesn't.
They'll call him "Shitty Luke", or "Shit-Pants-Luke".
That's just so new students know he is the dude that shit his pants back at kindergarten.
And let's get one thing straight in this somewhat-gay-because-I'm-here comedy.
No matter what the counsellor says, your kid is already an asshole when you send him to school, and the amount of shit he'll have to swallow that will build his character.
So by the age of 3 you either failed or succeeded as a parent.
As you can see, I already was one.
I was a bully, but that's just because I knew they would have the chance to fight back in a few years when I come out.
But of course they called my parents for a meeting after that.
They said I was "apathetic".
The mates I told about "Shitty Luke" were girls.
And believe it or not, the horny dogs that just crave for beaver when they are 20, were 'disgusted' by girls at age 3.
And I would just treat them as friends. They were 'disgusted' because to them they were targets, and you're not friends with targets. Not until you put a leash on them, also known as a "wedding ring".
So that's strike one.
Also, in kindergarten I wouldn't leave my house if I didn't feel I was properly dressed or prepared.
I knew how to match colours. None of the other kids did. They would sometimes just wear a single fucking colour all day, and that would make me cringe.
And since most stereotypical gays are designers, that was strike two.
And when you are 3, and a boy, you'll probably catch bugs are eat mud.
Gross. I would never EVER do that, but the dude's curiosity just jumps to the front.
And that's probably why gay people know what dudes are straight.
Just so you're wondering, that's strike three, and you're out of the closet.
If that's how counsellors told parents to buckle up back then, I wonder how they do it now.
Because as you probably know, gays don't reproduce. But we sure as hell try.
God says you should only have sex for reproductive purposes, so we're just trying to live up to his word.
And if the theory of evolution is correct, someday your son will be born with an ovary, and will bleed from one of his assholes when he turns 12.
You'll know he is gay because that's quite literally a red flag.
But my parents missed the warning.
I don't know how, because after all, I used to imitate my mom and use her as an inspiration for my outfits.
That's why borrowed dresses and heels.
And still, she missed the warnings.
When I told her, because she didn't catch me sucking a dick or something, she was like
WHAT?! THOSE WERE SIGNS?!
And you know that joke, when they say a guy is so gay their mom had a c-section?
That's because you are born gay, and that's completely normal and ok.
Don't let them tell you otherwise.
But anyway, I was delivered from a normal labour.
That's how you knew I was bisexual.
But even though I was born within 7 months of pregnancy, 6 nearly 7, I was too big to go head-first.
I don't know why.
So I got stuck, and the doctors had to pull me out, of course.
That probably hurt, because even though I'm bi I have the preference for dick.
So yeah, my mom probably missed the signs because I sent her mixed signals.
I decided to pass it subtly as a joke, so I wrote a stand up comedy script to ease the tone of the conversation.
Have any of you guys not potty-trained your kid by the age of 3?
If not, let me tell you something. You just scarred them for life.
Back when I was that age, my school went on a field trip to a park, and a dude... Let's call him Luke. Shit his pants.
I'm not really creative today, that's actually his name. Lucky him, I don't remember his last name.
At that moment I knew I wouldn't forget it, and looking at his face, I also knew he wouldn't.
And I was already such an asshole that I told my mates about it.
And the teacher actually tried to tell me it was wrong, and I was looking at her like,
"What the fuck are you talking about, bitch?
You probably used to do that back before you became such a fucking hypocrite!
And you'll be the one to fucking clean his butt, so why are you complaining about me?"
You scarred him for life because from now on, people will never forget it and they'll make sure he also doesn't.
They'll call him "Shitty Luke", or "Shit-Pants-Luke".
That's just so new students know he is the dude that shit his pants back at kindergarten.
And let's get one thing straight in this somewhat-gay-because-I'm-here comedy.
No matter what the counsellor says, your kid is already an asshole when you send him to school, and the amount of shit he'll have to swallow that will build his character.
So by the age of 3 you either failed or succeeded as a parent.
As you can see, I already was one.
I was a bully, but that's just because I knew they would have the chance to fight back in a few years when I come out.
But of course they called my parents for a meeting after that.
They said I was "apathetic".
The mates I told about "Shitty Luke" were girls.
And believe it or not, the horny dogs that just crave for beaver when they are 20, were 'disgusted' by girls at age 3.
And I would just treat them as friends. They were 'disgusted' because to them they were targets, and you're not friends with targets. Not until you put a leash on them, also known as a "wedding ring".
So that's strike one.
Also, in kindergarten I wouldn't leave my house if I didn't feel I was properly dressed or prepared.
I knew how to match colours. None of the other kids did. They would sometimes just wear a single fucking colour all day, and that would make me cringe.
And since most stereotypical gays are designers, that was strike two.
And when you are 3, and a boy, you'll probably catch bugs are eat mud.
Gross. I would never EVER do that, but the dude's curiosity just jumps to the front.
And that's probably why gay people know what dudes are straight.
Just so you're wondering, that's strike three, and you're out of the closet.
If that's how counsellors told parents to buckle up back then, I wonder how they do it now.
Because as you probably know, gays don't reproduce. But we sure as hell try.
God says you should only have sex for reproductive purposes, so we're just trying to live up to his word.
And if the theory of evolution is correct, someday your son will be born with an ovary, and will bleed from one of his assholes when he turns 12.
You'll know he is gay because that's quite literally a red flag.
But my parents missed the warning.
I don't know how, because after all, I used to imitate my mom and use her as an inspiration for my outfits.
That's why borrowed dresses and heels.
And still, she missed the warnings.
When I told her, because she didn't catch me sucking a dick or something, she was like
WHAT?! THOSE WERE SIGNS?!
And you know that joke, when they say a guy is so gay their mom had a c-section?
That's because you are born gay, and that's completely normal and ok.
Don't let them tell you otherwise.
But anyway, I was delivered from a normal labour.
That's how you knew I was bisexual.
But even though I was born within 7 months of pregnancy, 6 nearly 7, I was too big to go head-first.
I don't know why.
So I got stuck, and the doctors had to pull me out, of course.
That probably hurt, because even though I'm bi I have the preference for dick.
So yeah, my mom probably missed the signs because I sent her mixed signals.
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